Sequel to Darkness Within
by BuffyAngellover
Summary: How is Angel and Buffy going to defeat Leon when fate seems to be against them? Seqeul to Darkness Within
1. Chapter One:

Authors Note: This is the sequel to Darkness Within. I highly recomend you reading that story first before this one, without it, I don't think you'll understand this story too well.

Authors Note 2: I hope all of you who gave me some... colorful reveiws :), like this chapter. I'm afraid you're not going to get much because it is just the first chapter but at least you know that the story is on the way and you can stop you're tireless man hunt to track me down and torture me. :) X-mas vacation is almost over for me though so it might take awhile to get the next chapter up. Enjoy this one as much as you guys can.

_**Chapter One**_

**_Questions Unanswered_**

"You stabbed her?"

"I didn't hit anything important."

"You stabbed her."

"I avoided the major arteries!"

"You still STABBED HER! God! I knew you were stupid but even I didn't think you would do something as stupid as this."

The booming voices rolled like thunder above me, but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. My head felt like it was splitting in two at the moment, and my heart was doing that rapid thumping thing, like it was working harder then it ever had before.

"What else was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know Spike," the man's voice said dangerously. "You could have knocked her out, scared her, anything but stab her!"

"Would you calm down? Look at her, she'll be fine."

"She's bleeding, she hasn't woke up, clarify how the hell that's supposed to be fine."

The voiced sounded familiar, but I just couldn't reach out to it through the fog that clouded my mind. I knew I was being carried, I could feel my body resting in the arms of some man. But other then that, I was numb. Nothing was getting through to me except for the voices and the stinging sensation I felt at my side. The one that was slowly turning into white hot pain.

"She's not dead. How's that for clarification?"

"For once in your life be useful and go get me some water and bandages."

Somewhere in the distance I heard a mumbled reply followed by the slamming of a door. Placing me on what I could only guess was a bed, cold hands reached under my shirt and started to pull it up. I wanted to yell in protest. Kick, scream, anything to keep this man's hands off me. But all I could do was lay still and feel the material of my shirt slide off me.

"Here's your bloody water and bandages." Spike, which for some reason I was only now realizing, said with a harsh tone. This was wrong. Spikes' name had been mentioned at least twice before and it was only now registering. My mind could barley even keep hold of the fact that Spike was here, somewhere, because slowly that white hot pain was taking over. So many questions ran through my head. How did I get here? Who was the other man? Why the hell was Spike even alive? These thoughts were nothing more then blips on my radar screen though as blackness started to enclose the edges of my mind. The capacity to think was slowly becoming less and less.

I felt the cold water splash onto my suddenly tight skin, beading together to drip down my side. What was even more disturbing though was the fact that the mans hands were the same temperature as the water. It could only mean one thing. Vampire. But my senses weren't going all wacky like they should be. I had at the very least two vamps in the room and yet… the feeling I was getting, the tingle down my spine, it wasn't what I should have been feeling at the moment. At least that was the last thought I had before I succumbed to total darkness.

When I woke, I was able to open my eyes this time. Not that it seemed to matter though since my vision was bleary at best and what I could see was clouded in the same oppressing darkness I had been feeling for the past who knows how many hours. A single flame by the bedside seemed to be my only salvation.

Despite that though, I couldn't for the life of me figure out where I was. The room was definitely lacking personality. It had plane grey stone walls and no furniture except the bed I was laying on and the small table to my right. Flexing my muscles, I started to prepare myself to get up. The only thought that was in my mind at the moment was the fact that I needed to get out of here. That's when I felt the cool hands wrapped in mine.

My mind stopped. Images of Spike came rushing back to me. The cold steel as it slid into the fleshy part of my side, the voices of him and another man arguing. The soft touch before I had blacked out. But was all that real? Or was it some pain induced dream? The only part that I felt with some confidence was real, was the knowledge of Spike stabbing me. But now what? Was I dead… again? Or was it something else, something worse?

Slowly, making sure not to disturb the person next to me, I turned my head. Pain crackled under my skin as my muscles protested the movement. It didn't matter at the moment though. I had been through worse in my life, and if I didn't get out of here, more pain was almost guaranteed to come.

What I saw though, made my breath catch in my throat. Angel had his hands securely wrapped around mine, his head resting on the bed in front of him. I smiled sadly. It never ceased to amaze me that no matter what was happening, one glance at the man before me, and nothing else in the world mattered.

His hair was mused to the point that looked like he hadn't slept in days, and a small welt was appearing under his left eye. But what worried me most was the gash that ran from his temple down to his chin.

As if sensing me, he stirred slightly and lifted his head. Looking at me through glassy eyes he starred at me, not quite believing that I was awake.

"Hey stranger." I smiled softly, squeezing his hand.

It only took a beat before he threw his arms around me. "God Buffy," He said, kissing my shoulder, my forehead, anything that he could reach. "I thought…" he hugged me even tighter as he trailed off once again.

"Umm… Angel? Not that this isn't great and all but, I kind of need to breathe."

"Oh!" He pulled away from me quickly but still kept his hands firmly on my shoulders. "Sorry, I just… I didn't think you were going to wake up."

"Hey, I did that one already. It's not going to happen again. Hopefully." I added as an after thought. He smiled and leaned in to kiss me on the lips. "Not so fast." More then anything I wanted to feel his lips on mine, to take comfort in the only man that ever truly made me feel alive. But there was still the small incident where he had just disappeared on me, cutting off contact for days at a time. And then the whole Spike suddenly showing up and stabbing me… more important things needed to be handled before I allowed myself to rest. "First tell me where we are?"

He looked at me, no doubt confused as to why this seemed to take priority over him. In truth, I was right there with him. "I can't do that."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "And why is that?"

"Because you might get a little… upset."

"Me being upset is going to be the least of your problems if you don't tell me what the hell is going on around here. Now talk." I said, trying to add an icy tone to my voice, but it obviously didn't come through to clearly.

Angel sighed and leaned back a bit more. "We're at Spikes house."

I starred at him. "I'm sorry, did you just say…"

"Yup."

Insanity and confusion seemed to be a common theme with me lately. "You do know that he tried to kill me right?"

"It was for a good cause." He tried to say.

"Don't try and weasel your way out of this one. What the hell is going on here?"

"Buffy, you're hurt. Maybe you should take it easy for awhile. You know, rest."

"Angel, you were gone for nearly two weeks. I get no word telling me that you're okay, I was left in a house going stir crazy with your son, and now I have a wound the size of Texas in my side because of a vampire who we both know is criminally insane and now you're telling me that we're in that said vampires house! I don't want to rest! I want answers." I shot up trying to prove my point, but the moment I did, I instantly regretted it. Pain ran up and down my side, sending bolts of electricity to my brain. Angel was there the instant I let the cry of pain be released from my throat.

Gently he lowered me back down and kissed me on the forehead. "I told you, you need to rest." He had that satisfied smirk on his face that all males get when they've beaten a woman in something.

Angel was right. I did need the rest. Even if I wanted too, getting out of this bed would prove to be a challenge, even for a Slayer. "I'm going to get bored." I stated. Lame? Yes. But if he wasn't going to let me get my way, then I was going to be as difficult as possible.

"I'll keep you company then."

"Yes, and while you're keeping me company you can tell me that grand little tale about how you went off to help some hooker and wind up staying in a house with the man… excuse me, vampire, who stabbed me." I smiled at him sweetly.

"That's not happening I hope you know."

"Angel." I whined.

"No. You're not getting anything out of me. Now sit still. I need to check on your wound."

Settling back into the soft blankets I retained the scowl on my face. That is until his hand brushed my side. Hissing in pain, my back nearly arched off the bed.

"Sorry," he amended. "I tried to irrigate it as much as I could earlier, but I still think you're going to get an infection. All thanks to Spike of course." He added with a bitter note at the end.

"You were the one that dressed my wound before?"

"Yeah." He looked at me curiously. "Why?"

"Thank god. I thought it was some creep touching me and…"

Angel laughed. "Leave it to you to think off that while you should be dying." Applying a green pasty ointment to my skin he covered it back up with a fresh piece of gauze. A cooling sensation replaced a portion of the heated feeling that was currently running through my midsection.

"What was that stuff?"

"I'm not sure. Julia made it."

"Who's Julia?"

"Just a person I know." I glared daggers at him, causing him to fidget back and fourth between the first aid kit and the freshly tapped gauze. "Alright! She's the girl I went to help."

"The hooker!" I yelled. I didn't mean to, but jealously suddenly seemed to rear it's ugly head.

"Buffy…"

"No, don't you dare Buffy me. She's the one that's gotten us into this mess in the first place. If it wasn't for her you and I would be back with Connor and the least of our worries would be how to stop Leon. But no… Now I am stabbed, you look like hell, and we're in a house with Spike!"

"I know that things don't seem good at the moment…" He trailed off as I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him the full on Slayer look. "I'll tell you everything Buffy, trust me. But right now you need your rest. You can barley keep your eyes open."

He was right. I hate it when he's right, but at that moment he was. My eyelids felt like they had lead weights attached to them and every muscle in my body seemed to ache. Giving in, although I'd never admit it to anyone else, I uncrossed my arms and looked at him. "The moment I feel better, I want to hear everything."

He nodded his head slightly and started heading for the door. "I'll come back and check on you in a little while."

"Angel?" I called before he placed his hand on the doorknob. "Do you think you could stay? Just until I fall asleep." I don't think he could help the small ghost of a smile that crossed over his face at the moment.

"Of course." Moving over to the bed he lowered himself gently, favoring his left side.

I frowned. "You're hurt."

"I'm fine."

Ignoring his claim I pulled up his shirt. A whole the size of my fist stood out prominently, with the skin around it frayed and charred black as night. "What happened to you?" I looked at him in horror.

He kissed me lightly on the lips. "Rest. We'll talk tomorrow."

I was about to protest, but I soon saw that he wasn't just asking me to rest for my sake, his body was starting to rebel too. He needed sleep as much as I did at the moment. So without any further discussion, I snuggled up close to him as he pulled me tightly against his chest.

"Buffy?"

"Hmm?" I barley got out as I was already starting to drift off.

"I love you." He said so quietly that I almost couldn't hear him. But I did, and at that moment, it meant the world to me.

Authors Note: Review and tell me how you think I'm doing.


	2. Chapter Two: A Burning Flame

Authors Note: Ummm... lol, I was a little pissed off at the whole male population when I wrote this so forgive me for Angel's actions. LOL Also, sorry if there is any weird html codes in here. My computer is a little bit screwy at the moment.

To ka-mia2286: I was actually up when you sent your review at 2:00 in the morning and let me just tell you that I was pretty much shocked that someone was up that late reading this. LOL. Thanks.

Chapter Two

A Burning Flame

The flame danced and flickered across the walls, trying to send little jets of light to all corners of the room. It writhed and it turned, almost as if it were alive. As if it had a soul of its own. Hot wax dripped from the candles slim side as the heat continued to burn, as it consumed its way down the candle slowly. Every inch of me seemed like it was being consumed by the same candle, the same flame. My body felt on fire as imaginary bugs crawled under the surface of my skin as my body tried to knit its torn tissue back together. I had been stuck in this room for two days because of the damn heat. The fever had taken me only hours after I first woke up and for some reason it was refusing to let go. That was the least of my worries at the moment though.

Something was up. I could feel it. Angel had been avoiding me for the past couple of days. Sidestepping conversations, making gestures to get me things that I might need, something was going on, and it obviously wasn't good.

Maybe that's the reason why I got up. That or the fever. But before I knew what was happening I was walking out of my tight little room and out into a hallway that was just as morbid. But I heard voices. They drifted to me, unconsciously leading me straight to them.

The door was cracked slightly at the end of the hall, and flames once again flickered. But this time instead of entrancing me, they only lit my way.

"You seem more repressed then usual tonight." Spike's voice came across loud and clear, causing me to cringe as the sudden noise rocked my head. "Head still hurtin'?"

"Leave me alone Spike."

"When are you going to admit that this is a problem?"

"It's just a headache, not the end of the world."

"And if it is?"

"Is what?"

"The end of the world."

"Give me a break." I saw shadow get up from where he was sitting and move across the room to the book shelvesSpike obviously chose not to respond after that because all that could be heard was the distant crackle of the fire and the swig of a bottle.

"Sooner or later you're going to need to tell her." Spike finally said after a beat.

"Why Spike, are you actually concerned about my well being?" Angel said sarcastically.

A bark of laughter sounded across the room. "I've spent over four hundred years with you Angelus and I don't fancy you living another couple. I would like nothin' better then to see you turn to dust. But if you go, then I might as well be dead too."

"Nice to know you care." Angel said offhandedly as he searched through the many volumes that sat on the dusty shelf.

"Might want to tell her soon though. Now's as good a time as any I think."

"I'll tell her when it becomes too much of a problem." Angel growled out, not even trying to hide the loathing he felt for the man next to him.

"I'm just saying that she's gonna want some answers seeing as she's just overheard our entire conversation."

My breath caught in my throat.

Busted.

Angel was thinking along the same lines as me at the moment. Not a single sound could be heard from him. I could just picture him though, closing his eyes, wishing for all this to go away. My instincts had been right. Something, beside the obvious, was going on here.

The door creaked open in front of me to reveal the exact image I had pictured, except that this time, Spike was standing in the doorway wearing that cocky shit eating grin he always did.

"Well well well. Looks like the bird is up from her nap." He glanced over at Angel who was glaring furiously at him for not saying that I was standing out side the door sooner. "I'll leave the two of you alone to… chat." He said, brushing by me with a whistle and a bounce in his step.

The fact that the man who had stabbed me, the man who I had hated even before my death, had just walked by didn't even seem to register. I just starred at Angel, trying my hardest to give him the Slayer look. My arms were crossed over my chest, my hip cocked to one side, my stony gaze set in place.

"Buffy…" he started, but he trailed off for lack of words.

"What is going on?" I said very slowly, making sure that he got the point that I wasn't kidding, that I wasn't playing games any more. "And don't you dare give me that whole I need to rest talk because I've rested. Now I want the truth and so help me god, if you don't start spilling now I'll get my answers from Spike. I'm sure he'll be more then willing to tell me the truth. Maybe with a little extra details of his own added in."

"It's nothing."

"Spike is concerned. It's obviously something."

"Spike's concerned for his own life. Not mine. If I die, he dies."

"Please tell me that this isn't another stupid bound by blood thing because frankly, I'm getting awfully tired of this shit."

"He'll be the only good vampire left. He'd have to step into my place. It'd just be a matter of time before…"

"You know?" I threw my hands up in the air. "I really don't give a damn about what may or may not happen to Spike because I pretty much plan to kill him in the next couple days, so why don't we get back to the story of us. What do you say Angel? You think you might be able to handle a little conversation?" I walked over to the old sofa and flopped down on its dust cover. A puff of dirt came jumping out as I sat, but I crossed my legs and arms anyways and looked at him expectantly. I refused to show that in actuality I was fighting the urge to pass out, the urge to get away from everything and just curl up and go back to sleep. There would be time for sleep later.

"Buffy, this is neither the time nor place…"

"No, I think it's the perfect time and place." My stomached rolled with nausea.

Gritting his teeth he went over to the bottle of whiskey that Spike had left behind. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"What were you and Spike talking about?" He said nothing. "Alright, you want an easier question? How 'bout, why the hell are we here with Spike?"

He took a gulp of the foul liquid, grimacing as it went down. "Because I trust him." He laughed. "Actually, I don't trust him at all, which is why we're here."

"What?"

"Forget it. You got your answer. Let's move on shall we." He took a good mouthful of the alcohol and looked at me expectantly.

"You're not getting away with just that. Why are we…" I stopped as I heard the door open. Part of me expected, actually hoped, that it would be Spike, that way I could maybe start to get my answers. What I saw though was something much much worse.

"Angel, when are you coming to bed?" There standing in the doorway was Julia, wrapped only in a sheet. I slowly turned my head to Angel, willing him to deny what I just heard. But when he didn't, when he just took another drink of whiskey, my heart dropped.

"In a minute." He said roughly. Julia just shrugged, and with an evil glint in her eye, sauntered off to her room.

My heart racing, the blood rushing to my ears, I starred at Angel in disbelief. "What the hell was that?" I gave myself credit for barley raising my voice above a whisper, for trying to keep myself under control. In a moment though I knew I was going to snap.

"What did it look like?"

"What happened to you? This isn't you Angel."

"Isn't me?" He laughed bitterly. "Buffy, you don't know me anymore. The thing your so in love with, is dead. He's been dead for three hundred years. I'm not the man… demon, you fell in love with when you were seventeen. I haven't been him for a long time."

I got up and crossed to the other side of the room. I had to get away from him. To look at him seemed to make the pain in my side miniscule to the pain that was coursing through me right now. "No. You were him before you left to come here. And don't you dare try to tell me otherwise because I saw it first hand."

He was silent.

"Have you been sleeping with her?"

"Is it really any of your business?" He shot back.

"Answer the damn question."

He turned his head and looked me in the eye, twisting the proverbial knife just a little bit more. "Yes."

The tears that I thought would come didn't, instead the anger just seemed to increase. "For how long now?"

"I haven't stopped."

"You were seeing her behind my back? When we were together?"

"We're far from together Buffy."

Laughter bubbled up out of no where. "Is that what you tell yourself? Does it help with the guilt?"

"What guilt? You think just because I didn't tell my ex girlfriend that I'm out fucking another women, that I'm going to have guilt?"

"Then what the hell is all this about?"

"It's not about anything Buffy!" His voice rose for the first time throughout the conversation. "It doesn't always have to be about something. Look around you! This world is going to hell. People are dieing everyday. People are selling themselves just so they can get a couple dollars to feed there kids…"

"So what are you telling me? That she's a charity case? That you're doing this just so she can earn a little money? Oh how noble of you. That just makes everything better now." I said, not even trying to hold back all the anger and disdain that I was feeling.

"Are you talking about Julia? Hate to get your hopes up but she's pretty much just a good lay."

I ran my hands through my hair, hating every word that was coming out of my mouth more then I was hating his. "So you're putting your soul on the line for what exactly?"

"You actually believe that I can lose my soul with everything that's going on around here?"

"I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't even know who you are."

"You wouldn't be the only one." He mumbled as he continued to down the bottle. Moment passed in silence, with me just starring at him, trying to figure out what exactly it was that I wanted to say. But nothing came. What was I supposed to say after this? To even think about him with that girl… it hurt to much.

I don't know why I didn't see it all coming though. Angel and I's relationship was never easy. Something always interfered between us sooner or later. That's just the way the game was played for some reason. The whole bit about soul mates never getting together in the end? I was starting to believe it. I don't know how many countless times I would hear people talk about that. Back in college we even examined relationships like Angel and I in psychology class. It never mattered how much in love the two people were or how perfect they seemed to be for each other, it always ended in agony. It was a fact that I just had to except. Soul mates don't exist because they're doomed from the beginning.

The silence that consumed us was closing in on me faster and faster. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like all the air was slowly being sucked out of my system. The need to say something was becoming to strong. So, I spoke. Not about Julia. All that would accomplish would be another fight. No, it was time to go back to the original question. The reason why all this started.

"What is it that you don't want to tell me?" It was said softly. I almost thought that he hadn't heard me, but the moment he began to rub his temples again I knew that it was just a matter of him ignoring me. "Spike said something about a headache." I continued, trying to coax something out of him. Trying not to think of what I really wanted to say. "What were you two talking about Angel?"

"Nothing." He spoke after what seemed like a lifetime. His voice was still rough and harsh though. "I have a headache. Spike just thinks that I'm not telling him the whole truth."

"And why would he think that?"

"Because I'm not."

"Then tell me." I watched as he polished off the bottle in his hand.

"Buffy, if I didn't tell Spike, why would I tell you?"

I looked at him incredibly, the anger just looking for another out to release itself. "Maybe because I'm your girlfriend and Spike's the son of a bitch who stabbed me!"

"Girlfriend?" He got up and moved across the room to retrieve another bottle. "Is that what you think you are?" He laughed, sending immediate chills down my spine as the reminder of Angelus came back into view. "Girlfriends are suppose to be there for you, girlfriends are supposed to be understanding. They don't need to pry into their boyfriends private lives. They just need to sit and look pretty."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I couldn't follow a word he was saying.

"I'm talking about how you don't even come close to fitting the requirements of a girlfriend. I can't have a girlfriend Buffy. Those kinds of things are saved for normal people. People who don't have to fight demons. People who don't have to worry about if they're going to wake up the next morning."

He looked at me as I tried to contemplate what he was saying. The thought that this was all just some sort of fever induced nightmare had entered my head, but it couldn't be. The sounds around me, the movements, they were all too real right for a dream.

His brief bout of laughter was what broke through my thoughts. He stood before me, the bottle loose in his hands, and smirk firmly in place. The same little smile that still haunts my dreams to this day was standing present. "Please tell me that you didn't actually think that this could ever be anything. That I actually cared some what about you here."

I stood up, the fire in my skin boiling my blood. "What the hell were you doing over the past couple months if you didn't care about me then? What do you think I am? I'm not that whore in the other room Angel. I'm not some two bit piece of trash that's just there when you need to find a little release."

"You want to know what you are?" He stalked over to me, grabbing me by the arms and pulling me up against his chest. I could smell the steady stench of the whisky all over him as he stared at me hard and menacing. Bruises were starting to appear on my arms where his fingers bit into my skin. Leaning forward he pressed his lips roughly against mine, biting and sucking, his tongue demanding immediate entrance. I struggle, tried to push away, but he was to strong. Just as the need for oxygen was starting to become overwhelming he pulled away. Leaning in closely to my ear as I struggled for breath he gave me my answer. "You're convenient."

With that he pushed me away from him, sending me sprawling on the ground. Picking up his discarded bottle he stormed out of the room and somewhere in the distance a door slammed shut.


	3. Chapter Three: Soul

_**Chapter Three**_

_**Soul**_

I don't know how long I sat there in that room. My mind couldn't really wrap around what had just happened. None of it made sense. I knew what he said wasn't true, how could it be? But it didn't mean that what he said didn't hurt any less. More then anything at the moment I wanted to go find him and knock some sense into him. But I still didn't move. My body was shaking from chills that had currently started to wrack my every inch of me, my head hurt, everything about me was wrong. I knew that I should get back to bed, but again, for some unknown reason I couldn't.

The one thing that seemed to surprise me the most though was that I wasn't crying. Not a single tear had even came to the surface yet. It just seemed to be the farthest thing from my mind at the moment.

Finally, after the fire had long died out, I got up. I moved slowly at first, like I was in a dream. I didn't even realize I was at the door until my hand hit the cold handle.

"Going somewhere luv?"

Spike stood in the doorway to my right, cigarette in hand. "Do you have a death wish?" My voice sounded far away and raspy.

"Now now, don't get your knickers in a twist. I was just asking a simple question."

"Nothing's simple with you Spike." I opened the door and went out into the night. I had to do something. I had to kill.

"Do you really think this is a good idea? Coming out here all alone when you can barley even walk." He said, meeting my strides with perfect accuracy. I didn't answer him. He grabbed my arm to try and get me to stop moving, but his hand slowly slid away with a grin as I shot a look at him. "Alright. I won't stop you. But I'm not letting you wander around out here alone. I'm coming with you."

"Why?" I questioned as I started moving again.

"Because Angel will have my hide if he finds out I let you out of the house by yourself."

"Somehow I don't think you'll have to worry about that."

"Yeah, I overheard your little love fest with him. He doesn't mean it though. I wish he did because the thought of you two together makes me want to hurl, but unfortunately I know him, and he didn't mean it."

I stopped and spun around. "What the hell are you trying to do Spike? You hate him!"

"Point is?"

"Why are you defending him?"

He stood there and took a long drag on the smoke, almost as if he was contemplating what to say next. "I do. I'll give you that. But things have changed over the past hundred or so years."

"Like what?"

He smiled. "Somehow I don't think you came out here to chat pet."

I starred at him. Everything seemed to be getting more confusing by the second for me. Shaking my head I continued walking. "You're right, I didn't."

Twelve vampires later, Spike and I made our way back to the house. Neither one of us had spoken since the beginning of all this. Which was perfectly fine by me.

The whole time we were out there, Spike hadn't even lifted a finger to help. I think he understood that I wanted to do this on my own. That I needed to kill something and if he got in the way, he'd most likely end up on the pointy end of my stake. He just watched me. Made sure I wasn't getting overwhelmed. That's what was bugging me the most. Three days ago he had stabbed me, looking me straight in the eye as it happened, and now? Now he was protecting me? I didn't get it. This seemed to be the night though for not getting things. First Angel turns on me, and then Spike of all people helps me.

Pushing these things aside I opened the door to the house and stormed in. Marching down the hall I went to the bathroom that I had saw earlier. Not even looking behind me to see if Spike had followed, I slammed and locked the door, immediately turning on the hot spray of the shower. At least that's what I wanted. The water instead came as a drizzle of luke warm substance. I ignored it though and quickly shed my clothes and stepped under the spray.

Dust and grime slid off of me slowly. My head still felt like a vice was tightly clamped around it, but there was nothing I could really do about that. I know that I shouldn't have gone out like I did, that all I really accomplished was making myself sicker, but I was slowly going insane in that room. I could barley stand being in the same house as Angel at the moment. I had already resolved myself that tomorrow morning I was leaving and going back to Connor's. There was more at stake here then Angel and I's relationship. Leon was still out there.

I stood in the shower until the water turned cold, then slowly I got out and wrapped a towel neatly around myself. My clothes were pretty much torn and ruined, so I let them lay in the middle of the floor as I walked away.

The room I had recently been staying in was lit with a half a dozen candles when I entered. The bed was made and the fire was roaring in the corner. This should have made my heart melt, make me at least cock some semblance of a smile. Instead it only proved to infuriate me even more.

"Hey,"

I turned around about ready to yell, to scream. But Angel wasn't who was standing there at the moment. Connor was.

"I brought you some clothes." He said, offering me a small bag of some of my things. "Angel got word to me a couple days ago that you were here and that you might need some of your stuff."

I took the bag dumbly, wrapping the towel around myself a little tighter.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I got stabbed."

"Understandable." He shrugged and sat down on the chair on the other side of the room. Realizing he wasn't going to leave, I went over to the small changing screen and started rummaging through my bag for something to wear. "I heard you and him got in some sort of a fight." There was no need to specify who exactly 'him' was. It went without saying. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?" I spoke from behind the screen.

"Spike said it was pretty harsh. What he said to you."

I froze for a moment, realizing that Connor too was okay with the whole Spike thing. Stepping out from behind the screen I glared at him. "Why the hell is Spike suddenly being treated like some sort of saint around here?"

"It's hard to explain." The look in his eyes told me that he had expected this reaction sooner or later.

"He stabbed me Connor. He looked me right in the eye and slid that knife through me. Then suddenly I wake up and don't know where I am… again. Angel is all nice and caring and genuinely worried about me. Then I find out that we are in Spikes house, along with the whore who Angel just _had_ to go help in the first place, who I might add, is the main reason for that little fiasco between Angel and I a couple hours ago, and nobody will tell me why."

"Maybe we should talk about this after you've rested…"

"I don't want to fucking rest! I want answers." I yelled.

"Okay," Connor got up and came over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Okay, I'm sorry. I realize that you must be pretty confused right now."

"Confused?" I asked viciously, shrugging his hands off me. "I'm way past confused here Connor. I want to know why the hell I'm here, why no one has even tried to lay a hand on Spike, and why the hell Angel is acting the way he is!"

"Connor," the voice came from the doorway. I turned, watching as Angel leaned against the frame with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. "Will you leave us for a few minutes?"

"Get out." I said slowly. But Angel ignored me and just kept looking at Connor until he left the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. Turning to me Angel fixed me with the same icy stare that I was currently giving him. "Please tell me that you didn't come here to apologize, because that's not going to even come close to cutting it at the moment."

"I didn't."

"Then why the hell are you in my room."

"I came to give you those answers that you keep yelling about."

"How kind of you." I said sarcastically. "But I think I'll ask Connor about them instead. At least he's willing to tell me the truth."

"Connor's not going to tell you anything. You want answers, you're going to have to get them from me." He moved over to the chair that Connor had been previously sitting in. Sitting down the firelight hit him. The only words used to describe him at the moment was that he pretty much looked like hell. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and the worry lines that I didn't think vampires could even get, stood present. If it were any other day I'd go to him, comfort him. But today…

"You going to ask me some questions or are you just going to stand there?" He asked, breaking my reverie. Feeling sorry for him was starting to escape from me.

"Why did Spike stab me?"

"He had to. He works for Leon. Every week either me or Connor meet up with him and get any information that he may have picked up from people in Leon's inner circle." His voice had started to take on a robotic tone, almost as if none of this mattered to him anymore.

"Spike's in Leon's inner circle. And we're trusting him because…?"

"Because it was his idea in the first place." Angel said, sounding like he was just listing a bunch of facts.

"And that just makes him so trustworthy." I marched across the room and got a hair brush out of my bag. I couldn't just sit here and listen. I had to do something.

"He didn't want to. Originally it was going to be me on the inside. I was going to go to Leon and pretend like I've given in. But I still had Connor to think about, so Spike volunteered to be the inside man." Angel started playing with his fingers. My guess was that he too was trying to keep focused on the task at hand so things wouldn't get out of control again.

"Why would Spike even consider working with you? Besides the fact that he pretty much wants to see you dead, there's the little detail about him being… oh I don't know, _evil._"

"He got a soul about two years after you died."

The brush that was currently in my hand dropped with a loud clatter to the floor. Did I just hear him correctly? "What?"

"The chip was starting to reform him, but he still hated the fact that he couldn't defend himself if something ever happened. The only option he really had was to remove the chip. When he finally found someone who could do that for him he was hesitant. He was worried that he'd go back and start being like he was before he had the chip in and for some reason unknown to me, that bothered him. So he went to some place in Africa and had a demon give him his soul."

"He chose to have his soul." It wasn't a question. I had to say it out loud, I had to hear how it sounded because frankly I wasn't quite ready to believe it yet.

"He stabbed you the other night because Leon's guys were swarming the streets. Some of them are starting to doubt Spike's loyalty to the order. Originally he was just going to take whoever came along. But then you showed up …"

"He had to. To get Leon's men off his trail."

"Exactly."

"They still have to be suspicious though. I mean, Spike didn't kill me, he just stabbed me and then brought me to his house."

Angel lifted his eyebrows. "Point being?"

"Why would a guy bring some unconscious woman to… Oh." I bent down and retrieved my brush, not wanting to think about what the other vampires talked about when they saw Spike carrying me home. "Okay then, umm…" I took a deep breath trying to gather my thoughts. "Why are we still at this house and not a Connor's?"

"The streets aren't safe right now. If one of the vampires that was on patrol that night see's you, they'll start questioning things. We have to wait a little while longer."

"And nobodies questioning why you're here?"

"No one knows I'm here. I made sure I wasn't followed."

"Why didn't you come home right away after you were done… done doing whatever it is you needed to do?"

"Again, the streets weren't safe."

"Why don't I believe you?' I looked at him. There was something about his voice when he answered the last question that just didn't sit right with me. The hypnotic trance like tone had cracked as he spoke. Slip number one. "You could have at least gotten word to us that you were okay." The harshness started creeping back into my voice.

He shrugged his shoulders and looked up at me expectantly. "Are you done?"

"What the hell has gotten into you Angel?" I said, bursting forth without any warning.

He stood up. "Do you really want to have this conversation again? Because I have things I need to do. I answered your damn questions…"

"Why did you? What's the difference between now and a couple hours ago?"

He laughed and started walking towards the door. "Spike can be very convincing when he wants to be." He threw over his shoulder right before he left.

Part of me wanted to follow him, to try and see what he was feeling and gain some sort of knowledge into the way he was acting. But instead of going to him and having it all out, I went back to the study, the room where it all began.

"We need to talk." I said upon entering the room.

Julia looked up at me and smiled. "Thought you might say that."


	4. Chapter Four: Deluded Truth

Authors Note: Sorry it took so long to update. I had a week from hell pretty much. It was finales week. Grr... Also, this chapter is super short because the next one is going to be extremely long. I was originally going to add the next chapter to this chapter but then I think it would have been kind of weird. I'll try to get the next chapter up within the next couple days.

_**Chapter Four**_

**_Deluded Truth_**

Now that I was actually put into the position, I had no idea what I was going to do. Here I was, confronted with the one thing that I wanted to kill more then anything at the moment, and all I could do was stand still and stare. I had expected her to try and run, make some excuse to get out of all this. But instead she sat, looking at me with an amused smile on her face, her posture of utter relaxation.

"Well?" She said expectantly.

I took a deep breath and crossed my arms, making sure not to show her the confusion that was racing through my system. "What have you done to him?"

"To who?"

"Don't play stupid, you know who."

"Oh, you mean Angel?" she said in mock surprise. "Why whatever do you mean?"

"Cut the crap. I know you've done something. There's no other explanation for the way he's acting."

She laughed and crossed her ankle over one slim leg, "Hate to be the one to tell you sweet heart, but I haven't done a damn thing to your precious Angel. This is all him." She went back to reading the book that lay open in her lap.

"You actually expect me to believe that?"

"No, but whether I'm lying or telling the truth, either way you're automatically going to assume that I'm lying."

"Give me one reason then on why I should believe you." I starred at her with intimidation. She just kept on reading her book though, turning the pages every so often.

"I don't have to give you a reason. I don't care if you believe a word I say. It's not going to hurt my feelings."

"Yeah, but it might make me refrain from killing you."

Julia laughed as she got up and replaced the book on the bookshelf to the far right. "You wouldn't kill me. I'm not one of your pesky little demons. You're conscience would get the better of you if you laid a single hand on me." She smiled and leaned against the wall, looking as amused as ever. "I think it's you that should give me a reason to tell you the truth. Not vice versa."

I stalked up to her, stopping only when I was inches away from standing toe to toe. "I could kill you before you even moved."

"And like I said, you won't though."

My hand shot out on its own accord and lifted her off the ground. Blood was boiling and at this moment in time, I could snap her scrawny little neck and go on like nothing had ever happened. "Let's try this one more time. What did you do to him?"

She kicked out with her healed foot, catching me off guard. "I told you," she put a hand to her reddening neck. "I didn't do a damn thing to contribute to whatever the hell is going on with the two of you."

"Two weeks ago he was fine! We were happy," I lied through my teeth. We weren't even close to being happy. That would only be achieved when Leon was gone. "Then suddenly he gets a message saying he needs to come and help you and the next thing I know he's jumping down my throat, telling me that I'm nothing to him. You're playing a bigger part in this then either of you are letting on.'

"Are you that naïve!" She yelled, breaking her calm exterior. "He came here to help me yes, but this whole thing that's going on has nothing to do with me. He's just using it as an excuse."

I narrowed my eyes at her, causing her to laugh at the look that marred my face. "You actually thought that he was pushing you away because of me? That's just rich." She sat down on the sofa holding her stomach at the thought of all this. "I haven't even come close to threatening you precious little life style. I don't even want to be a part of his life."

"Then if you're not the reason for all this, then what is?" I hadn't even moved from my place on the ground yet. I just sat there glaring at her, hating that every minute that went by, she came closer and closer to knowing what Angel was all about then I ever did. This woman who probably hadn't said more then a handful of sentences to him knew almost every single aspect of his life.

"Everything," she said, becoming serious. "Everything that has ever happened to him is the reason why he's pushing you away. And if you're too blind to even see that, then you deserve what you're getting here."

"I deserve this? I don't know anything about the past three hundred years! I'm completely in the dark here. No one will tell me anything, and you think that I deserve this?"

She got up and rolled her eyes, "Do you want a little bit of friendly advice here?" She stopped right in front of me. "Grow up, realize that this isn't all about you and be there for him for once." She starred at me for a moment, wallowing in the fact that she had just shone up somebody that Angel had seemingly put on a pedestal all these years, then she walked out of the room.

I sat there thinking about everything that she had just said to me. I couldn't help but kick myself. I had been ranting and raving about this girl, thinking that she was the source of all my problems. But looking back I knew that I should have seen what was really going on. I can't even count how many times I had seen Angel get this far off look in his eyes about something, or how many times I had seen just a flash of pain before he hid it away once again. Even Connor had hinted towards his dark past, but had I once asked what was going on. No.

Scrambling from the floor I marched down the hall in search of Angel. Confrontation was something that I hated doing, but I knew that it had to be done.

I flung open his door without much of a thought. Greeting me was his bare back, his fists flying at the punching bag that was hanging suspended from the ceiling. He was in such a state of deep concentration that he didn't even know I was in the room until I gently laid a hand on his shoulder, briefly covering his tattoo.

"What do you want?" He didn't' even have the grace to slow his movement and look at me.

"To talk."

"That never really ends well with us."

I bit my lip to keep myself from screaming at his harsh tone. "Angel please."

He stopped his rapid punching and grabbed a towel that was off to the side. "What do you want to know now Buffy? Haven't I given you enough?" He wiped the sweat from his forehead, fixing me with a cold glance every few seconds.

"I don't want to know anything… well, I do, but that's not really the point." I took a deep breath. How was I supposed to say that I came here to talk to him about what was going on, but at the same time show that I didn't want to know for me but for him? It sounded confusing even to my own ears.

"Are you going to stand here and stare or are you actually going to say something? Because if you're not, I'd really appreciate it if you'd get out so I can get back to my work out."

"I came here to see if you needed anything." He stopped in mid stride as he walked back towards his bag, giving me a look that I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to read.

"What?"

"Did you need anything?" For a moment I thought that I had gotten somewhere. That maybe I had said the right thing and that everything was going to start getting better. That was until he started to laugh.

"Just get out Buffy, and stop pretending like you care. We both know the truth." He went back to punching the bag. "You and I aren't what we used to be. We don't care about each other and we certainly don't love each other. The sooner we drop the façade, the sooner we can move on."

'You may not love me, but I still love you. I just need you to know that." I was amazed at how calm my voice was sounding at the moment. I knew thought that I needed to get out of this room quickly before the smooth interior cracked.

"Always the hopeless romantic huh Buff?"

"Stop pretending like you're Angelus Angel, he was a much better liar then you." I gritted my teeth.

"As much as you try to ignore it, he's still here. Just below the surface." He held his bag, stopping it for a moment to look at me. "And if I were you, I'd make an effort not to piss him off." He immediately went back to his frantic punching as if nothing had happened.

"It's nice to know you still have some sort of feelings left in you." I turned and walked out of the room before he could answer back. Shutting the door silently I repelled the urge to scream or punch the wall. Not raising my voice in there had taken almost everything out of me.

Still trying to control my rage I walked down the hall in search once again for Julia.

"You tried to talk to him didn't you?" She asked from behind me somewhere. When I turned, all I could see of her was a lone cigarette being lit from the shadows. "It's too late for that. He's to far gone for talk to help."

"Then tell me. Tell me everything that you know about him."

"Why should I?"

"Because somewhere in you, you care for him too."

She stepped into the light smirking. "How 'bout I do you one better? I'll show you."

"Meaning?" I asked as I followed her down the hall. I didn't like one bit the look she was giving me. But if it meant that things would be just the slightest bit better between Angel and I, I was willing to do it.

We stopped once we reached the inside of my room. "Lay down on the bed." She ordered. I raised an eyebrow at her, causing her to roll her eyes. "Do you want my help or don't you?" I did as she directed, laying stiffly on my back, watching her as she walked around the room lighting several candles. I began to feel hazy, as if I was floating or something. With a look of utter concentration she walked up to me. "Close you're eyes." She said. I didn't want to. Those words always seemed to be ill fated from what I could remember, but my body didn't listen. Before I knew it, my eyes had fallen shut on their own accord and a hand touched my forehead.

That's when it all began.


	5. Chapter Five Seeing is Unfortunatley Bel...

Authors Note: Okay, this chapter is long to make up for my last one. It is also a little... okay, a lot darker then my previouse chapters. You'll see what I mean. It took me forever to write this because I needed to reread everything I've written since I've forshadowed everything that happens in this chapter. Hopefully some of your questions will be answered here, and well, I know there is one question that's going to be on all your guy's minds in the end. Please please review this for me.

Chapter Five  
Seeing is Unfortunately Believing

_Cars rushed by, honking their persistent horns under the night sky. People walked the street, unknowing that their lives were about to change. And the stars? Well they did as they always did in the heart of a big city. They stayed masked under the city lights, waiting for the moment that every bulb would blink out, just for a second so they could flood the town with their radiance. That day was soon to come. But along with it horror and tears, and rage would fill the town, consume it right up along with the twinkling pinpricks of light.._

_Trash can's banged into each other as a scuffle took place in the nearby alley. A scuffle that started out as just that, but quickly became a war of utmost importance._

_"Did you actually think I would let you live?" The vampire that called himself Leon called out to his right. Angel lay on the ground floor of the alley, spitting out blood, looking worse for wear. But not once did he become discouraged. Another day, another battle. This was all this was to him. Just one more vampire that he had to kill. Just one more._

_"Truth be told, I'm surprised that it took you so long to get up the courage to face me." Angel bounced right back up and threw a blow to Leon._

_"I just didn't want to believe that the Scourge of Europe had a soul." He too threw a punch as the last words would be exchanged. They fought, matching each other blow for blow. Both vampires had equal strength, equal resistance, and what they were now noticing as equal cuts._

_Leon seemed to be the first to realize this. An amazing upper cut came his way and he stood still, almost as if he was stunned. He watched in utter curiosity as a bruise formed on his opponent's cheek. The same cheek that a bruise was forming on his. Without a moments hesitation he grabbed the long discarded knife and jabbed it into his own stomach._

_Angel stopped in mid punch as his fist hung in the air, watching as Leon, the one person who could give him a run for his money, stabbed himself. Defeating himself before things got to the breaking point. With shock, and a little disappointment, Angel straightened, getting ready to send the finale blow if this truly was the end. That's when he felt it._

_A sharp pain made him double over, sending him to his hands and knee's. He tried to suck in the useless breath, trying to ease the pain just a little, but his body wouldn't have it. Looking down to see what the cause of the pain was, he was shocked to learn that absolutely nothing stood in his way. Pulling his hand away a deep dark sheen of blood marred his hand. That's when the laughter began._

_It started out slowly at first, then bubbled up and over the edge. Leon sat back on his heals, holding his gut in much the same way Angel was. Angel only thought that Leon had gone insane finally when the though flitted out of his head and the truth replaced it. His eyes went wide as he got up despite the fresh waves of pain that were busy hitting his system. Running as fast as he could he stumbled out of the alley, pushing open the doors to the hotel, then froze._

_The smell hit him almost immediately. The sweet scent drifted around the room, tempting him, calling him. Not wanting to believe it, not wanting to believe the soft whispers of death that were racing in and out of his head, Angel ran forward. But the moment his heal hit the tiled floor, he slipped. Slipped on the bloodied handprint that was currently decorating the ground._

_Swallowing hard he raised his head. Streaks of the crimson fluid could be seen all over. But what disturbed him most were the red handprints that began to mark the unknown path to the end. His mind was telling him not to go back there. Behind the reception desk laid what would be known as the breaking point for him and that seeing whatever was behind the reception desk would only cause more pain then he already suffered tonight. But his heart was refusing to believe that any of this was true. It wasn't until he saw Cordelia's cold vacant eyes staring back at him that he finally understood what had happened. But it was too late. The images were already in him, and they weren't going to let go until he died._

_Fred's mangled body hung from the chair to his right, clutching Gunn's hand in a death grip as he aimed a crossbow at an unseen demon. Wesley was laying by the weapons cabinet, going for reinforcement, refusing to give up, but the side of his head was crushed in from what Angel could only guess was caused by the discarded crowbar at his side. And Lorne… well the cold dead heart that was lying in his hand should have been an indication to how his life ended. That was until Angel realized that a deep gash ran all the way through his torso and that the heart that lay in his hand at the moment was none other then Cordelia's._

_Backing out as quickly as he could Angel hit the wall, leaving the bodies to hide behind the desk and out of site. But that didn't really seem to matter because everywhere Angel looked the images of his friends still haunted him. His hands were now covered in them, his once called home bathed in it wherever you looked. The only spot that didn't seem to have the blood of his life was taken up by his crouched figure. And that's where he sat, starring vacantly around the room, rubbing his hands raw, trying to get the blood to go away._

_"Hurts, doesn't it?" Someone asked from a distance. "To know that everything, everyone that ever cared for you, is gone. That it's your fault that they're dead." Leon crouched down by Angel's side. "You know that right? That they're all dead because of you? It's kind of ironic if you think about it. You've saved so many lives in your time, but you couldn't even save the ones that mattered most to you." Angel starred at the wall dejectedly, still furiously rubbing his hands. "I heard that they cried out for you. Especially the brunette girl, Cordelia was it? I only wish I could have been the one to cut out her heart. To feel her last beats as she looked on at me in fear. Instead I had to enchant your friend Lorne to do it. It's probably best though that someone she knew and trusted did it for her. At lest all of their dying thoughts were of you." He laughed slightly, almost wistfully. "The things that were probably racing through their minds in their last moments. I image they were wanting to know why you weren't here, why you betrayed them, let them down." Leon wiped a little bit of blood off the floor and waved it tantalizingly in front of Angel's mouth, coating his lips with the blood, coaxing him to taste it. "Come on Angel, you know you want to. It's your only way to know what they were feeling as the blood spilled out of them. I know you're getting hard just thinking about it. Thinking about tasting the sweet essence of the girls. Don't try to tell me that you've never thought of it." He smiled twistedly. "Waking up in the middle of the night, almost being able to taste their sweet fluids on your tongues. Wanting nothing more then to go down stairs and throw them over one of the desks, having you way with them until they begged you to stop. Then, when they finally think that it's over and that things can't get any worse, you drink them dry. How many nights did this happen Angel? How many times did you let your hands wander under your sheets just so you could feel some sort of relief. Eager to do anything to keep your dreams from coming true."_

_Angel's tongue darted out without meaning too, lapping up the blood that stained his lips. Almost instantly he leaned over, retching out everything his stomach contained as Leon laughed from above. "The demon is still in you Angel. It's always in you. Right. Above. The surface." He grabbed him by the forearms, pulling him up to eye level. "You let them die. Don't you think you should pay them back? All you have to do is let go. Let the demon surface and let that soul of yours rest. You don't deserve to live any longer. Not after what you did." Not a single word was uttered after this. Even if Angel could find the words he wanted to say, his mouth wouldn't move to let them out._

_In disgust Leon dropped him, letting him crash to the floor bonelessly. "The pain you're feeling now will be nothing compared to the future if you don't let go. Hope to see you soon Angelus." He called over his shoulder as he exited the now quiet hotel._

_For hours Angel stayed exactly where Leon had left him. Not moving a single muscle as if he didn't even know how too. His mind was completely blank save for the images of his friends. He would have stayed there too, rotted there. That is if Connor hadn't came._

_He ran into the hotel room coming in from the street. The sight before him played out much the same way as Angel had. He too didn't want to believe any of it. Running to the desk he almost cried out as he saw his friends, what was once his family, lying in a pool of their own blood. Sadness is what is expected to take someone over after something like this. That or horror. But instead anger only came. Looking up he searched for the source of the death and destruction that surrounded him. But he didn't really expect to find anything. The smell of the blood was too old and flies were already beginning to gather._

_A figure though could be seen hidden in the shadows. Picking up the crowbar that had been used to kill Wesley, Connor slowly walked forward. He prepared himself for anything. Some sort of hideous demon who was sitting and wallowing in his masterpiece, but the dead stare of his father was all that came to him. The first thought that seemed to enter his head was that he too had died in the battle. That was until he remembered that vampires don't leave behind corpses._

_"You son of a bitch." He said, dropping the crow bar to the side and striding forward. He lifted the man before him up, slamming him against the wall. "How could you do this?" He emphasized his point with another skull crushing smack against the wall. "Answer me you bastard!"_

_Connor was about to hit him again when he saw that his fathers eyes hadn't even blinked. If someone where to come in here right now, they'd just mistake Angel for another one of the dead bodies._

_Dropping him, Connor backed up and looked around searching for something he didn't quite understand. Everything was confusing. Things weren't making sense and… in a minute it all came crashing down._

_"Leon." Connor whispered, now knowing that the worst had yet to even begin. The proverbial shit was hitting the fan and now five of their best warriors were lying dead on the other side of the room, and the one person who could probably stop this was busy staring off into the distance completely comatose._

_Connor shook his head slowly and slid down the wall next to his father. Then, almost like a movie, a white flash sounded and the scene switched._

_"Don't do this."_

_Connors voice sounded as he nearly ran to keep up with a man. A man that most would think would be dead at the moment after everything he'd seen, but for some reason he was still going. Maybe it was the fact that he couldn't shut his eyes at night without the blood and cries for help coming back to haunt him._

_"He killed them Connor. I'm not just going to sit back and do nothing."_

_"You heard what the oracle said. Every scratch he gets you get. And now with this stupid spell he's put on you, he's practically impervious to any harm."_

_"I can still hit him."_

_"Yeah, and pretty much hit yourself in the process! This is stupid, there has to be a better way to do this."_

_Angel spun around throwing his arms in the air. "Then tell me what it is! Please, if you have something that you think is going to work then be my guest. Share. But if not, shut the fuck up and get out of my way." He stalked off, continuing his mission._

_"Dad," Angel stopped dead in his tracks. Slowly he turned around and looked at his son. "I'm asking you not to do this. They wouldn't want that."_

_For a minute Connor thought that he had won some sort of ground here. That maybe Angel would stop with this murderous rampage and listen to some common sense here. Things never are as they seem though._

_"Don't wait up." He said, walking out the door, not caring that his son had shown some sort of emotion towards him_

_It wasn't until a week later that they had found Angel. Broken and bleeding on some warehouse floor. The fight with Leon had played out almost exactly as Connor ahd expected. Angel and Leon may have been equally matched, the only difference is that Angel was now getting more then he bargained for. Connor was the first to get to his side after they had beaten back all the vampires. It was there that he had to pry the dull tipped knife out of Angel's hands._

_"What are you doing?" He practically screamed at him._

_Angel just shook his head. "It doesn't matter. None of it matters." He lunged back at the knife, but once again Connor was too fast and was able to keep it out of his reach. "No!" He yelled. "I have to have it. I have to know how it feels."_

_Struggling to keep Angel away Connor was barley able to grit out his sentence. "Have to know how what feels?"_

_He stopped. Stopped his movement, stopped his yelling, he just looked his son right in the eye. "I have to know how Cordelia felt when Lorne cut her heart out."_

_Flashes blinded the room once again_

_"You don't have to do this Dawn."_

_"Angel, Buffy died to save me. I have to repay her." A young brunette haired girl hoisted her daughter up further into her arms. "It's the least I can do."_

_"She wouldn't want you to do this. It's too dangerous." Angel looked forlornly at the little girl in Dawns arms. For so many reasons she looked like Buffy. Her hair was blond and her blue eyes stood out prominently against her pale skin. Dawn had once said that the monks had made her out of Buffy. That the same blood ran through both girls veins. That was the only logically reason Angel could come up with to describe how the little girl looked so much like the woman he had loved once upon a time._

_"That's the beauty of having a dead sister. They may not want you to do something, but they can't really stop you from doing it." She smiled at Angel_

_The smile soon faded away though and was replaced by Angel running into the room a few years later.._

_"Dawn!" He scanned the room. "No." He cried as he saw the hand that was clutching the knife. Lying on the floor, Dawn held a dagger in a death grip, trying to ward off and protect her family. Slashes lay all over her but the small bullet whole through her forehead told Angel that she wasn't able to succeed. With as much dread as he could muster he walked forward, glancing into the bedroom to see her husband Jason in much of the same position on the bed. That's not what sprung tears to his eyes though._

_The closet door hung partly open. Knowing that he had to look, that he'd never forgive himself if on the off chance it wasn't true, he opened the door._

_Buffy Joyce Summers Mackenzie was hanging from a noose, clutching her teddy bear tightly to her chest. Angel swallowed thickly while reaching out for the girl, taking her down off her swing. Slowly he laid her on the floor and kissed her blue little face, then walked outside and lit the house of fire. Watching as his friends home was consumed by flames, he walked away._

_"We have to go in there now." His voice sounded as another flash took place._

_"Angel you need to calm down." The red head said as she stubbornly stood her ground in front of the snarling vampire._

_"Calm down? How the hell do you expect me to calm down? We've almost got him Willow. But if he's able to harvest this girl's power then we might as well stop fighting and turn ourselves over. This is the last straw. Don't you realize that?"_

_"I know exactly what will happen if he's able to harvest the girls powers Angel." The red head said. Lines now wrinkled her face though and the young vibrant girl know as Willow now stood tall at the age of seventy three, glaring at a man who didn't seem to age a day. But the same fire was hidden behind her eyes still. They were just a little more worn then they used to be. "We're doing this, I told you that, but we're doing this alone." A murmur of agreement came in from behind the witch._

_"I don't care how powerful you and your coven are. I could care less if you were God himself. You're going to need help. I'm coming with you."_

_Willow sighed and looked at the rest of her coven. "Give us a minute." She ordered. Slowly they all filed out. Being the top witch had its perks at times. "Angel, you're running yourself raw. You can barley fight you're so tired. I know that you hate Leon more then anybody. And you have every right too. But if you walk in there with us, you're just going to get in the way." She took his hand. "This could be it Angel. This could be the chance we've been looking for. Leon could die tonight. Don't screw that up for us."_

_Angel closed his eyes. "You can't expect me to just not do anything. He killed everyone. God Willow, he killed Dawn!"_

_"I know, I know. And you haven't been doing nothing Angel. You've been out there every damn day fighting things back. Without you here, Leon would have already taken over by now. You need to understand that you've done all that you can do. Now you need to leave the rest up to me."_

_Angel looked at her, trying to make her back down with one of his Angelus like looks. But she wouldn't budge. She just looked at him fondly with what Buffy used to call the resolve face, making him understand with her eyes that this is the way things had to be. It didn't mean that he liked it any better. He always thought that he would be there in the end. That he would be the one to look into Leon's cold dead eyes and rip out his heart. Make him feel just a fraction of the pain that he caused him and so many of the other people that he loved. But Willow was right. He had no place going in on a rescue mission with a coven of witches._

_"Just promise me that you make it hurt." He gritted out._

_"Believe me," Willow got up from her seat and pulled her cloaks hood over her head. "I plan too."_

_It wasn't an hour later that Connor had come and told him that they were dead. Every. Last. One. Willow had been the last standing. Fighting her heart out. But Leon had already harvested the power of the Slayer, dooming them from the beginning._

_"It's about time the Council does something." Connor said as Angel hung up the phone as the white light cleared to reveal him. "When's the Slayer being called?"_

_"Apparently she already has." His brow scrunched up in confusion._

_"Why am I getting the impression that this is a very bad thing?"_

_Angel sighed. "It could just be me being paranoid but… I don't know. The way they were talking… there's something that they didn't want to tell me."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"They said they made her out of what was to come. Some thing that was by all means meant to be on this earth but was prevented… They couldn't just call another girl, they had to create one." He bit his lip. "I'm getting the feeling that I'm not going to like what this whole cryptic deal is when I find it out."_

_Connor was silent for a moment, not quite knowing what he was supposed to say to that. "Is she coming here?"_

_"She's on her way. Supposed to be here in the next couple of hours."_

_"So you're saying be on my guard."_

_Angel stood up. "I'm saying learn not to trust what the watchers council says to be good."_

_And he was right. For and hour later a young blonde sat on a bar stool in the safe house. She was knocking back shots of tequila, scrunching her face in revulsion with every single swallow._

_"Aren't you a little young for that stuff?" Angel said, pulling up a seat right beside her._

_"I figure that since I'm not going to be living for too much longer anyways, I might as well live life all I can 'till I kick the bucket." She answered, knocking back another shot._

_"You the Slayer they were sending?" He said scrutinizing every aspect of her._

_"I'm you're man… well, girl actually." She turned around and faced him for the first time, almost knocking him off of his seat. Her blonde hair and blue eyes looked back at him, giving him a sense of déjà vu. "Mira," she said sticking out her hand. "My name is Mira."_

_"Um," he took her hand, his heart skipping a beat at the familiarity of it all. "I'm Angel. Nice to meat you?" He stated it as a question for so many reasons. Reason number one being that he wasn't quite sure if it was nice or not._

_She just giggle, her laugh ringing out throughout the place, and turned back to her tequila. "Bla." She shuttered as she threw back the next shot._

_Rain sounded in the distance as once again the proverbial page was flipped, revealing another scene. The huge drops came down, soaking him to the bone. But the cold drops that he felt was nothing compared to the cold that had taken over his body._

_"I'm sorry." A man said as he stood in front of him. "We tried to get to her, but it was too late. She'll be back at his lair by now."_

_Angel starred at him blankly, not quite sure what he was supposed to say to the man who had just told him that his daughter had been caught. The man wanted to say something more, to give him some sort of comfort, but he couldn't. So instead he turned to walk away with a whispered "I'm so sorry."_

_That's when the knife slipped through his back. Crying out in pain he tried to arch away from the object, but Angel twisted him around so as to look him in the eye. "Not as sorry as I am." He thrust the knife in a little bit deeper and let him go, watching as he writhed on the floor as his blood spilled out and got washed away by the rain. Ten minutes later he was dead._

_"What the hell is this?" Connor entered into the alley seeing the dead body. "Leon doesn't usually kill this clean." But Connor stopped as he recognized the man to be Mira's boyfriend. "Oh God," He swallowed and looked up at Angel. "What happened?"_

_"He was stabbed." Angel stated dully._

_Connor rubbed his eyes. "Mira really didn't need this right now."_

_"She won't hear about it."_

_"What do you mean?" Dread was beginning to fill his heart as the pieces started coming together._

_"Leon's got her. Twelve of his men jumped her and the rest of the team during patrol. James," he motioned to the body down below. "Was the only one who was able to get out. The rest died trying to defend her." Leaning down Angel pulled the knife out of the boys back and started walking out of the alley._

_"Please tell me that you didn't just do what I think you did?" Connor shouted, trying to be heard over the pounding of the rain._

_"What does it matter? Leon's got two slayers now. Why even fight?"_

_"You killed a man!"_

_"I've done it thousands of times before Connor. Nothing new."_

_"No, this time it is different. This time it's your daughter's fiancé, this time you're not Angelus and you're not fighting for your life!"_

_"I'm fighting for my life every damn day!" He yelled turning around. "And now my only daughter is somewhere with Leon getting God knows what done to her while I'm down here doing nothing! Don't you dare start to patronize me Connor because I just ran a knife through someone back and I'm not sure I can hold myself back from doing it again."_

_"What the hell has gotten into you!"_

_Angel laughed ruthlessly. "You know what? Screw it. I'm not fighting anymore. My last reason for staying in this world is gone. I'm not doing this again."_

_"You're not even going to try and save her?"_

_"What's the point? She's probably wishing for death at the moment. Connor, I've seen the things Leon can do. I taught him every damn thing he knows.. And if I were him right now, I'd be fucking her senseless! I'm not going to go and try and rescue her from this because she's going to be so out of her mind long before I can even get there."_

_"So you're going to just let Leon use her like this! We could still save her."_

_"And bring her back to what? What kind of life would she have after this? We're all better off dead at the moment."_

_"That's because you're condemning us to death!"_

_Angel rushed up to his son and threw the first punch, not caring that every hit was jarring blood onto his hands. So much blood had stained them already that it didn't seem to really matter any more. "Shut up Connor. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate my life. I hate getting up in the morning. For once, I want to be the selfish one." Each syllable seemed to be punctuated with a punch to the face until Connor lay on the ground broken and bleeding. "I have nothing left to live for now."_

_"So that's what I am then? Nothing?" Angel just starred at his son's battered form. "And you wonder why I hate you." He got up off the ground and started walking away. Turning when he reached the street corner he gave one finale glance at Angel. "I'm going to go find my sister. When you're done feeling sorry for yourself, look me up."_

_Pictures and images faded away, leaving utter blackness. Soft moaning could be heard, but other then that? Nothing._

_"Please," Someone cried out pitifully. "I'll pay you back. I swear. Just please stop…" The woman's voice begged over and over again, but no one answered. She gasped in pain several times as the blackness started to fade, showing her pressed up against the alley wall, her skirt hiked up around her waste. She gasped in pain a few times, but uttered no more._

_A few long minutes passed and the man spilled his seed into her, ramming into her with brutal force, causing her teeth to knock together. "Thanks darlin'. I needed that. Now, I think there's a little matter of payment that we need to discuss." Pulling out a sharp blade he pressed it to her bare neck. "Where's the money?"_

_"I told you, I don't have it now. But I'll get it. I promise. Just give me a chance to…"_

_"You've had your chance."_

_"What are you going to do, kill me? You'll never get your money that way."_

_"It's not a matter of money anymore." He whispered into her ear, kissing her neck softly. "It's a matter of making an example. You see, if I let you live then all my other girls will think they can get away with the same shit you did. And I won't have that." He started to slip the knife lower and lower, down past her belly, making her gasp as the cool metal touched her. "You're a good girl Julia. You're just too independent for my liking. Now," he licked the shell of her ear. "Where were we?"_

_"Let her go." A voice called out from the distance. _

_Julia closed her eyes in silent relief. "Angel," she breathed._

_The man stepped briefly away from her, pulling out for the first time that night. "Excuse me?" He said to the new comer._

_"You heard me. Let her go."_

_"This is none of your business boy; I'd suggest you leave before you get in over your head."_

_Angel smirked and stepped forward slightly. "I think it's the other way around." Before the man knew what hit him Angel had reached out and stabbed him in the neck. His greasy body dropped to the ground in a heap, spraying a small amount of blood on Julia's pale face. Angel just kicked the body aside though and looked at Julia who was busy staring at him in masked confusion._

_"Thanks." She said a little unsure of herself. Pulling down her skirt, she tried to straighten her clothes before leaving, already thinking about her next client._

_"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Angel's hand bolted out and grabbed her before she could get out of the alley._

_"I have a job in about thirty minutes." She looked him straight in the eye, not showing an ounce of fear._

_Angel laughed, but it was hallow. "You actually think I'm going to let you go? You sold out my daughter to Leon Julia. There's no way in hell you're getting off that easily."_

_"If you're so pissed off, then why did you save me? Why not let him kill me?"_

_"Because," he answered pushing her back up against the wall. "I have other uses for you." Leaning in he licked the tiny pinpricks of blood that marred her face, pressing into her._

_Connor stood in the dark corner of the alley as he saw Angel take the woman, saw her try with all her might to fight him off, but he was to strong. He just held her arms over her head and continued._

_"He's gone insane." Connor had said later that night to Mark._

_"He's had a lot to deal with lately."_

_"It still doesn't justify it. The things he does…" Connor shook his head. "If he didn't save as many damn lives as he did then I'd kill him myself." Connor went back to sharpening his stake, trying to keep his mind off of the possibilities of what his father was doing at the moment._

_"Connor!" Two men came in the room carrying an unconscious Angel between them._

_"What happened?"_

_"He tried to go after Mira." One stated with hesitancy._

_As if Angel had heard the man, he shot up from his position on the couch, breathing heavily. Barley even taking a second to recover he bolted out of the room and back into the darkened streets. It only took a moment before Connor was running after him._

_"Where are you going?" He yelled as he struggled to keep up. Angel didn't answer though, he just ran until he reached the gates surrounded Leon's domain. As if he ran into a wall, Angel was repelled backwards, hitting trashcans in his decent. It didn't stop him though. Over and over again he ran straight for the gate, fighting to break his way through, and failed each time._

_"Angel stop!" Connor was able to grab his arms and pull him away. "What the hell are you doing?"_

_"She's still alive Connor! He's keeping these girls alive. I have to get to her." He struggled to get out of his son's grip, but he was too weak to do much of anything._

_"What do you mean she's still alive?"_

_Angel shoved Connor away and started running his fingers over the invisible wall. "I got in. They wanted me to get in so I could see it. I… I followed one of the vamps and made it all the way to the main entrance hall before I heard her screams." He started pounding on the wall again. "God… I… I have to get to her. She was calling for me. I can't leave her there. I can't… I can't… I can't…." He sunk down to the ground in defeat, not knowing what else he was supposed to do. And Connor, feeling just as helpless sat with him._

The finale flash that came didn't send me a new memory. Instead it shot me bolt upright in bed, staring directly into Julia's dark eyes. Tears were streaming down my face and I didn't even know it. All the pain, all the guilt. I couldn't stand it. It felt like it was consuming me, suffocating me. Seeing no other choice, I got up and ran out of the room into the bleakness of day.

Authors Note: I worked really hard on this chapter so I would really appreciate it if you could give me a review on it. Thanks so much.


	6. Chapter Six: And Let the Rain Fall

_Authors Note: I'm soooooo sorry that it took so long to get this chapter out. I was having a lot of trouble on how I thought the characters needed to react to what was happening. I'm still not sure that I got it or not but right now it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm tired and I know that I'm not going to have any more time to write for another couple weeks. So I'm giving you guys this story now since it'll be awhile before I get another chapter out. School is going to start sucking again really soon so I'm not going to have a lot of time. I hope this is good enough for now. Maybe I'll revise it later on. Thanks for all the reviews and I hope I'm keeping you're guys' attention._

_Dana_

_**Chapter Six**_

_**And Let the Rain Fall**_

As quietly as possible I opened the door to Spike's house as I stepped in from the rain infested night, praying that no one was around to hear me. I don't know how long I had been gone. All I knew was that it was long enough for people to start worrying. I had to get away from it all though. The things I saw, the things I felt, I knew that none of it even compared to what Angel had been feeling at the time. My thoughts and feelings on the mater where miniscule when measured against his. I think that's what scares me the most.

By the end of the dream I was willing to do anything just so the pain would stop. The constant thumping of bad memories inside my head were refusing to settle down and to know that just from that I was willing to end my own existence… to live it had to worse.

The images of blood and death kept bouncing around in my head. Over and over again they'd trudge to the surface… Cordelia's blank stare, Dawnie and her beautiful little girl, Leon's cruel smile, and then… Mira.

That by far was the most puzzling image of all. When she came to mind a wave of other emotions would crash down with it. I didn't know whether I should scream or cry when thinking of her. Angel and Connor hadn't even mentioned her, not once. So did that mean she was dead? Or just that the two of them had given up hope?

I sighed and leaned against the closed door as my mind kept drawing a blank on what to do next. I knew that I should go and talk to Angel, tell him what I had saw. But how could I? He didn't want me to know all that. He purposely didn't tell me about Dawn and Willow's death because he didn't want me to carry that. So now was I supposed to go in there and yell at him for lying to me? Or was I supposed to break down in tears in front of him, sharing the pain of the past with him?

"Buffy?" Opening my eyes I saw Connor's worried form from across the room.

"Hey," I said, trying to give him some sort of weak smile.

"God Buffy, where have you been? We've been looking all over for you."

"Sorry, I had to get some fresh air."

Connor looked at me strangely trying to read the emotions that refused to come to the surface. "Is everything okay?"

"No," I didn't have the strength to even lie. Not tonight anyways.

"Anything I can do?"

"Not really. It's kind of something I have to deal with on my own." He nodded his head, seeming to understand. He proceeded to walk away, giving me the peace that I was asking for. "Connor? Wait." I pushed myself off of the wood door behind me and ran until I was a few feet behind him. "There is one thing you could do for me."

"Anything."

"Who's Mira?"

And with those words the room froze. Connor looked at me with wide eyes, his breathing becoming faster, his heart beating almost to the point that I could hear it.

"What did you just say?"

"Who's Mira?" I repeated.

He roughly grabbed my arm and dragged me into another room, shutting the door behind us. "How do you know about Mira?" He whispered harshly.

"Answer my question and I'll answer yours." I wasn't letting him get out of this.

Inches from my face Connor starred at me, daring me to back down. Every detail about him was screaming at me, yelling at me to just try something. So like countless times before, I stood my ground

Slowly his grip on my arm lessened until he had let go as he backed himself to the other side of the room. Almost as if it were too painful to be near me. Closing his eyes he took a deep breath, calming the rage inside.

"I can't answer your question."

"You can't? Or you won't?" He turned from me running a hand through his unruly hair. "Don't play dumb with me Connor because I've had it up to here with this bullshit. I just spent the last couple hours wandering around town with the vision of my sister lying dead in my mind. Of her girl hung from a damn closet!" I marched up to him forcing him to look at me, to see the anger, the suffering that I was feeling right now. "Tell me who she is or I swear to God you'll regret it."

"No." The single syllable came out as a whisper. But in my mind in rang loud and clear. "It's not my place to tell you. It's his."

I stood still. He was right. I knew that even before he uttered the words. This wasn't about him. It wasn't even about me. But if I wanted to know the whole story, not just flashes of it, I had to ask Angel. Connor wasn't the man I needed at the moment.

"I'm sorry." I backed off of him immediately as I realized that I was more then invading his personal bubble. "You're right. Angel's the one that needs to do this. He's the one that has to do this."

Gathering every drop of strength that I had I turned on my heal and left. I don't think I would've been able to stop myself from what I was about to do even if I wanted to. Some unknown force was guiding me it seemed. Every bone in my body screamed, wanting to know that truth. Wanting to know the secret that lied beneath.

Sounds of flesh hitting leather reached my ears first. As I stood in his doorway all I could see was his furious pounding of the leather bag before him. He hadn't moved all this time. He was still hitting the damn bag. Small flecks of blood had been spattered on the dark leather though, letting me know that his knuckles had long ago cracked and split from the pressure they were under. The muscles in his back were moving under his skin with each throw of his fist and as I leaned on the doorjamb one thought kept swimming in my mind. How was he still standing? After everything that had happened, how was he still strong?

_Because he has to be._

It was that simple. He had to be strong. It didn't matter that he had endured hell on earth these past couple years, it didn't matter that he had been to hell itself. People depended on him. People that didn't even know his name depended on him and that's the only reason why he was still alive. Once Leon was dead, even if we found some sort of cure, something to detach the connection between the two of them, he'd still die. Leon was the only reason why he was here. The people that died in Leon's name every day needed Angel to stay strong, to fight. And when the time came, he would. He'd fight until there was nothing left and then somehow he'd find the strength to keep fighting. Fight until he knew that Leon wasn't a threat anymore. 'Till the sun came, until children weren't afraid to smile anymore, until laughter rang out on the streets once again. And then?

Then he'd die. He'd give up. His destiny would be fulfilled.

I don't know why I chose this moment to be the moment of clarity for me. But that's what it was. I knew it all along I just didn't want to admit it. Tears pricked my eyes as the truth came to the surface. The Powers that Be were never going to give us a chance at a normal life. Anger filled every crack in me. After every damn thing that we have done for them, are still going to do for them, they'll still shoot us down in the end. Because warriors didn't get happily ever afters. They live to help make the world a better place and that was it.

So why doesn't that bother me? Why doesn't the fact that we're pretty much pawns in some sort of sick game of chess bother me? But then you bring fourth a man like Angel, a man that's whole _being_ is dedicated to saving the lives of others and the harsh reality that he'll die when this ends… why does that piss me off so much? All I can do is pray that I'm there in the end. That I know that he'll be at peace when he dies.

A sob finally escaped my throat at the last thought. It had been building up inside me for to long now and when released my hand came up as it tried to stifle the sound of hopelessness. But it was too late.

The sounds of punching stopped as his eyes turned to meat mine. "Buffy?" A flicker of his old self was on the surface. His eyes quickly hardened though as he remembered that he was supposed to hate me. I quickly wiped away the fallen tears.

"Hi," It came out horse and soft and I could tell that he was trying to fight the urge of taking me into his arms. "Can we talk? And before you say anything just listen." I walked in and shut the door so the outside world wouldn't intrude. "I talked with Julia today. Well, not really talked but… She showed me some things. Helped me…" I took a deep breath, "to understand what's been going on." I looked down at the floor trying to decide what my next words should be.

"Is there a point to this?" The softness in which he said my name with had long since disappeared and the angry being that he was, was left standing.

"Who's Mira?" I said it without even meaning too. It just slipped out, but I wasn't going to apologize, or tell him he didn't have to answer that. The sooner things were out in the open the better.

He stopped breathing. Something that he didn't really need to do in the first place but for as long as I knew him he always did. It was a strand of humanity that he was trying to cling onto. But with those two simple words humanity didn't matter anymore.

"I know she's your daughter but…" But what? But is she dead? Was she real to even begin with? Or was that whole dream just something that Julia cooked up to hurt me? To hurt him? The look on his face told me no.

"How…?"

"Like I said before. Julia showed me some things. Who is she Angel?"

"You seem to already know the answer to that?"

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't stand there and beat around the bush! I know she exists, I know she was your daughter, Connors sister, and I know that she's partly the reason for everything that is going on between us!"

"Don't you dare bring her into our problems Buffy." His hands fisted together, forming a tight knit.

"Then talk to me! Stop shutting me out! Angel, have you ever thought that maybe the reason why I'm here, the _reason_ why I was brought back was to help you? I could make things so much easier if you would just open up to me here!"

"I don't need to open up."

"Angel…"

"NO! I don't need to share my damn feelings Buffy! You're not a part of my life anymore, and you don't need to know anymore of my past then you already do."

"Well guess what Angel? I am a part of your life now whether you like it or not! I was brought back here for a reason and you know it!"

"I'm not doing this." He grabbed his coat and pushed his way out of the room and into the thundering night.

The weather had worsened since I had gotten home. Thunder and lightning flashed across the sky. Any other night I would have laughed and found it almost cliché on how the weather seemed to reflect my mood, but laughter didn't belong here at the moment.

"Don't walk away from this Angel. For once in your life don't walk away."

"Oh here we go again." He said wheeling back around. "Why does everything always come back to that night, huh? It's in the past. It's done, it's over with."

"I don't care about that night right now Angel! What I care about is you! You're running yourself into the ground here and I know that I can help if you'd only let me!" I was shouting to him, trying to be heard over the rain.

"That's the thing though Buffy. I don't want your help. I don't need your help!" His breathing had returned again, ragged and harsh.

"Angel you're going to kill yourself if you keep this up."

"Is that supposed to upset me?"

"No. I know it doesn't upset you. I know it doesn't mean a damn thing to you. All that matters to you is killing Leon."

"And why is that such a bad thing?"

"Because! Angel if you spend the rest of your life focusing and obsessing over one thing then that's all your life was. You don't want to find yourself bitter like this down the road. You want to kill Leon? That's fine. I encourage that. Hell the devil himself probably encourages that! But you stop caring for yourself, stop worrying about the people around you, the people that love you, then you're just turning yourself into Angelus. Another soulless being that walks the earth."

"Why are you doing this?" He put his hands to his head and pulled at his soaked hair. "If you had seen the things I had seen, hear every single cry that went on…"

"I did! Angel I saw everything. That's what I've been trying to tell you! Julia showed me your past, showed me how Dawn and Willow died, showed me the death of Cordelia and the others, showed me your daughter." He stood in front of me quiet now. Not even the rain seemed to affect us. My voice carried over it as it tried to break through the wall Angel had built around him. "I felt what you felt in that dream. When I woke up, my first thought was that I wanted to die."

"So you dreamed a couple snap shots of my past. Try living it. Try dealing with the memories and the voices and the smell of your friend's blood in your head for years upon years and then _maybe_, just maybe, you'll be able to know a fraction of what I'm feeling."

"That's what I'm trying to say. I know nothing I do is going to make it better. Nothing I say is going to take away that pain. All I'm asking is for you to let me carry some of that burden. To help you through all of this. Please. Don't do this by yourself anymore."

Silence.

I couldn't even hear the rain anymore. Its drops fell on me, running down my now soaked skin, but I couldn't hear them. Everything I was was focused on the man before me.

"That's all I know how to do." His voice softened allowing his hand came up. Gently his fingers brushed away a few strand of hair as he caressed my cheek. I didn't move though. I was afraid that if I did he would run. "I'm the only thing I can trust at the moment." And just a suddenly as it happened, his hand dropped away and the cold steal came back to his eyes. "Now get away from me."

He turned on his heal and started walking away, disappearing into the thickness of the dark. How many times had I seen his back like this? Walking away, leaving me alone once again. It wasn't happening. Not this time around.

"No."

He stopped not bothering to turn around. But he still stopped.

"I'm not leaving you."

Thunder cracked over head as the heavens wept, and the two of us walked on. Silence overtook us but we were together. And in the end, that's all that matters.

Isn't it?


	7. Chapter Seven: Starting Over

Authors Note: No, I am not dead. I just have been busy. The first couple weeks of no updates was because of school, and then I haven't updated this week because I've been on spring break and didn't want to do anything that required thinking. I've really had no motivation to get me all jazzed up about anything the past couple of weeks. I only wrote this chapter because I kind of feel really bad that it's been so long between updates. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this and I'll try to be better about my updating.

_**Chapter Seven**_

_**Starting Over**_

By the time we made it back home we were soaked to the bone. Chills had been running through my system now for the past hour, but I ignored it. I continued to walk by Angel's side in complete silence, just giving him the only comfort that I could offer at the moment. My presence.

The moment we stepped inside though, the weariness hit me. I was cold, I was tired, every single bone in my body seemed to ache. The troubles of the past couple hours just came crashing down on me. It hit me so hard that I literally stumbled through the doorway.

"You alright?" It was the first words he had spoken since his quiet confession a couple hours ago.

"Yeah," I said detached. For some reason I couldn't pull my eyes away from the place where his hand lay rest on my arm. "I'm fine." He looked at me strangely, seeking the truth. "I'm just tired."

Nodding his head he started heading towards his bedroom, his hand still gently lying on my elbow as he guided me there right along with him. He closed the door as we reached the room, pealing off his jacket.

"Why don't you go take a shower, warm up a little bit." I nodded my head mutely and without much thought, walked towards the shower.

The steam from the hot water quickly filled the tiny room. Its warmth started to seep through my bones, thawing away the cold that seemed to almost be a part of me.

There were so many things that I wanted to tell him at the moment. I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. Back to the time before the curse, before we knew it existed. I just wanted to be that young and in love once again where my biggest worry was if I'd have last year's hair or not. But we couldn't. I realized and accepted that a long time ago. I guess that doesn't matter though because the pain is still the same.

At some point during my shower Angel had came in and set some clothes on the sink for me. As I was pulling on my sweats something caught my eye. I smiled slightly as I looked down at the dark blue material. My fingers ran gently across it as I stared in utter amazement. After all these years he still had it?

Still smiling I slipped it on and walked out of the room. He was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands and suddenly I became uncomfortable in my own skin again. But the shirt meant something. Right?

He looked up at me as he heard me enter, a ghost of a smile playing across his lips. "I'd forgotten."

"Forgotten what?"

"How good you looked in that." I looked down at my feet in embarrassment. Back when we were still dating I would steal his shirts. They were always more comfortable then mine. One night, after long hours of patrolling, I went to his house not wanting to go home just yet. I remember I was upset because I didn't manage to get to a girl in time. She died right in front of my eyes as a vampire sucked her dry. When I showed up at his house in tears he had just simply took me in his arms, whispering that everything was going to be okay, that he loved me. I ended up staying the night there, wrapped up in his tight embrace. Before I had nodded off though I had slipped on one of his shirts. My favorite one. And from that moment on his dark blue button down shirt had become known as mine. Every time I was upset, or I had a crappy day, I'd show up at his house and slip on that shirt while he talked all my troubles away. The fact that he remembered that small little detail about our lives meant so much to me.

"This can't possibly be the same shirt."

"No, it is. When you died… I packed it away along with other things that reminded me of you. I couldn't bare to look at them." He shrugged his shoulders. "I just thought that you might like to have something from your past with you."

"Thank you." I whispered. And once again that uncomfortable silence over took us. That was okay though because anything was better then the yelling that for some reason had been the bulk of our conversations the last couple days.

"So you saw everything huh?" He stood up from his position on the bed and began to pace.

"Not everything. But enough." I bit my lower lip. "Angel, you really should…"

"I don't want to talk about this Buffy. We already had this conversation. That stuff is in the past and that's where I plan to keep it."

"Well you're obviously not doing a very good job at it."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Look at you Angel. You're a mess. If you've been so adamant to keeping those memories in the past, stopping them from affecting your life, then what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me! I can't just have a bad day?"

"A bad day? Try a bad week. Hell, try a bad couple of months." I pinched the bridge of my nose. I think I probably jinxed myself by thinking that we might get through a conversation without jumping down each others throats. "Look, I don't want to fight with you."

"Then why are you?"

"God Angel just stop it! I've had shit I've had to deal with to in my life. And every damn time that I got to in over my head I talked to someone about it. It helps whether you want to believe it or not. You should know this. How many times did I show up at your house in the middle of the night huh? How many times did I spill what I was feeling to you?"

"Oh don't give me that bullshit because you shut yourself down when bad things happened to you! You went into your slayer mode and ignored everything else that went on around you until whatever was wrong had blown over. Don't sit here and patronize me about shutting down Buffy."

"Fine, you know what? Yeah, I did shut down a lot. I'll admit to that. But the rare times that I did open up, I opened up to you. You had this stupid way about you and you were always able to get me to talk. Well now it's my turn. I'm not leaving this damn room until you start sharing a little bit of your life here."

"I don't work that way Buffy. I can't just open up and share these feelings to any person that just comes my way!"

I starred at him. "Is that what I am? Just any old person that walks by?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" He slammed his fist on the wall and leaned against it heavily. Deep breathing could be heard from his side of the room as he tried to calm himself down. "Angel, I know you don't love me anymore. I get that, I really do. But I'm telling you that…"

"What did you just say?"

"That I get what's going on?"

"No, the other part. The part where you said that I don't love you anymore." He looked genuinely confused.

"What's there not to understand?"

He pushed himself off the wall and looked at me hard. "You think that I don't love you anymore?"

"Well… yeah. Not the way you used to at least. I mean, why else would you be acting the way you are?" His facial expression switched from pissed off, to disbelief. I was starting to get to him.

"God Buffy, no, that's not what… You actually think that I don't love you?"

"Well can you blame me?" My temper was beginning to flare. "You've barley said two civil words to me since we got here, you've been keeping these huge secrets from me, and you go off and almost get yourself killed more times then I can even count!"

"How can you even say that with a straight face?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it's _true_? Look around you Angel? Do we look like couple that's in love? Do we look like happy people? Because if we do, then you sure have your priorities screwed up here. You even told me yourself. Yesterday you told me that we don't care about each other anymore, that we don't love each other and that the sooner we dropped this stupid façade the sooner we could move on. What am I supposed to think after I hear that?"

"Why don't you try for one second to image how I feel here. You've been dead for hundreds of years and suddenly you're just thrown back into my life! How the hell am I supposed to act?"

"Not even three weeks ago you were fine!"

"That was what you called fine? I think you're the one who has their priorities screwed up here."

"My point is, you weren't like this. And then suddenly out of the blue you just freak out on me. Yeah, I was thrown back into your life. But Angel, I was thrown back into a life that I shouldn't even be a part of. Me being here isn't only affecting you. And yes, with the way you've been acting lately, I have been doubting the fact that you love me and this little conversation we're having at the moment isn't making me think any differently."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I think you should be asking yourself that question."

He threw his hands up in the air. "God Buffy. Do you think that all the time we've spent together meant nothing to me? Every damn thing I do is for you. I would kill for you, I'd die for you. Hell, I have died for you. I've came back from hell for _you_! I even killed my own damn sire for you. How can you say that I don't love you? For some unknown reason I still love you even after all the shit that has happened, and nothing is going to change that." He closed his eyes and shook his head sadly as he slowly sunk down onto the bed. "What every happened to us?" He said after a moment of silence. "We never used to fight like this."

"Times change. People change."

"Yeah, well I'm not exactly people." He looked up at me as he tried to figure out just what the hell we were supposed to do next.

"So we start over then. Go back to the beginning." I said hopefully. Suddenly this possibility didn't seem too complicated to me.

He gave a small smile. "You know as well as I do that we can't do that."

"Why not? Why can't we have the relationship we had when I was seventeen? The kind of relationship with no secrets, where we're there for each other. The kind of relationship where one of us can smile with out worrying about if it might offend the other person? Why can't we have that?"

"I don't know." I looked at him in shock. Usually he'd fight me on this. "There's so much between us that going back to the beginning kind of seems pointless."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I don't know Buffy! I…" He stopped and started rubbing his temples with shaky hands, and suddenly my mind was brought back to the conversation between him and Spike that I had walked in on early. Was it only a day ago? It seemed so much longer than that. Everything had seemed to go down hill from the moment Spike opened up that door.

"What's going on?" That's how it all started before. That simple little question was asked and then before I knew it we were in one of the biggest fights we've ever had, all because I had asked that damn question.

He looked at me confused for a moment. "What do you…? Are you just now joining me in this conversation?"

"Is that the same headache from yesterday?" I inquired, ignoring his statement completely.

"It's nothing."

"You're hands are shaking." I nodded my head towards his shaky fingers as he tried to hide them. "This is what I mean by starting over. We get rid of the secrets. Get rid of the tiptoeing we do around each other." He refused to meet my eyes. Slowly I moved towards him and knelt before him. "Angel," I took his hands in mine. "What's wrong?"

Closing his eyes he squeezed my hand. "I thought it was nothing at first, but it's been slowly getting worse. I'm uh… I'm hearing things and it's… It's just making my head hurt a little bit."

I scrunched up my brow knowing full well that he was lying through his teeth about the pain. "Why didn't you say anything?" He gave me a look. "Right, forget I asked that." I got up and walked over to the basin of water to my left. "How long has it been going on?"

"About a year now, off and on." Taking the wet cloth I laid it on the back of his neck, watching as the small beads of water dripped down his neck, wetting his shirt. It'll never cease to amaze me how we can one minute be fighting, screaming at each other at the top of our lungs and then the next, comforting each other.

"Who all knows?"

"Spike. Maybe Julia."

"Not Connor?" He shook his head causing me to raise my eyebrow. "You told Spike and the whor… Julia, before you told your own son?"

"He doesn't need that right now. He's already going through enough and he'd just think that this whole thing was some sort of ploy of Leon's. And I didn't tell Spike and Julia anything. Julia just suspects probably and Spike was there when… he just found out."

I got up to pace the room as I processed what was going on. "Do you think it is?"

"What?"

"Do you think that Leon has something to do with these headaches?"

"I haven't thought of it one way or another."

"An evil vampire has been trying to kill you for the past how many years and you're telling me that you haven't thought of the possibility that he many be involved? Please. You're not that dumb."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Are these voices saying anything specific?'

"Not really. I rarely hear words. It's just kind of a whispering sound that I'm hearing. I can sometimes understand what they're saying, but not often. It's just been lately that the whispers started getting louder, and more frequent."

I nodded my head. "Okay, I'll go hit the books, see what I can find out."

"Buffy," He grabbed my hand before I could move as much as an inch. "I want to start over."

I was dumbfounded. Did he just say what I thought he said? I didn't question the sudden change of heart, mostly because I didn't want to anymore. I was just so sick of fighting with him. "No more secrets?"

"No more secrets."

I smiled slightly as I gave his hand a squeeze. I wanted to lean down and kiss him, touch my lips to his in a slow sweat kiss. But if we were truly going to start over, then I couldn't. Trust needed to me regained before we move any further. So I smiled softly at him and left the room, preparing myself for what was to come.


	8. Chapter Eight: Forever Young

Authors Note: Sorry once again for the delay. School has been hell. I feel like I'm sounding like a broken record here. Anyways, I kept trying to write the next chapter and everything I wrote sucked. So tonight I just decided to randomly start writing something and this is what came out. It has completely changed my idea's for the ending around and has added something kind of twisty to the story. Hope you guys like. It goes a little fast in my mind but I don't feel like trying to slow it down anymore for now.

_**Chapter Eight**_

_**Forever Young**_

Punch, kick, stab. That was the mantra that I currently had reeling through my head. Over and over again I'd repeat this, coinciding my actions right along with them. I was pissed. I was mad at myself, at the world… God, I was pissed at the fly that buzzed by my head earlier. So here I am now. Punch, kick, stab. What else was I supposed to do at the moment.

Hollywood I think has ruined me forever. The actors and the directors with their stupid little movies and their two-hour conflicts. You see if my life was a movie, Angel and I would be perfectly happy right now. We'd be lying on a beach somewhere wrapped in each others arms and he'd just be able to kiss me and say "We'll get the bad guys," and "I love you" and you know what? My life would be absolutely perfect from that point on because that's where the story would end. You leave the theater feeling happy with your stomach filled with popcorn and candy, and then you sigh to yourself and just wait for the day that you find your own true love so that you can have romantic lines wash over you night after every damn night. Well guess what? Reality sucks. Reality isn't anything like that. Not mine at least.

Sure, Angel and I aren't fighting anymore. We can be in a room with one another without saying anything that could be taken as offensive. But that's just it. There are no lines of poetry. There are no moonlit walks on the beach. There's nothing. We hardly talk, we hardly touch, we hardly even make eye contact. We sleep in the same bed but on opposite sides and when we finally do get around to saying a few words to each other, it's all business. And I hate. He hates. We both know our mutual disdain for how our relationship is going, but do we try to fix it? Do we make an effort? No. We go through out our days living lives that we know we can make better but don't even try too.

The truth is, we're both scared. We're scared we're going to get attached and then ripped from each others arms once again. I mean isn't that the Powers That Be's favorite pass time, fucking up our lives? Now we just carry out our life as a couple, choosing not to even kiss. We stopped fighting and chose to do a complete one eighty and just stop doing anything all together. So punching, and kicking, and stabbing are the only things that are on my agenda at the moment, because that seems to be the only thing I know how to do. The thing that pisses me off the most though, is the fact that I'm accepting this instead of doing something about it.

Movies and TV shows cram as much drama and angst into their designated time slot as humanly possible and in the end they sum it all up in two minutes. In two minutes the world is right again and soul mates unite to be together for eternity. I don't care who you are, if you're a vampire slayer or an everyday human being, life doesn't work like that. I wish it did. More then anything. But happily ever after can be summed up in two minutes let alone two hours. It takes some people half their life to actually be happy with their love life. Until then we all live the fantasy dream that Hollywood offers us.

More dust settles in the alley as I kill my seventh vampire this hour. Looking over at Angel I catch the tale end of another vampires death as he plunged the stake into the creatures dead heart. All I wanted at the moment was to go over and hold his hand. Just for a second. Contact. That was all I was asking. But with just one look into his eyes, seeing exactly what I was feeling reflected there, I knew it couldn't happen. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I closed my eyes trying to fight back the tears, feeling the weariness in full effect now. One moment I was standing there trying to figure out my pathetic life, and the next I was laying flat on my back hearing Angel yell my name before I blacked out.

"Buffy…" The voice sounded far off and distant. "Buffy…" But it persisted as gentle tapping could be felt on my cheek. Groaning, I peeled open my eyes, greatly aware of the little dwarves hammering away inside my head.

"Hey, you okay?" Angel loomed over me brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes.

"I'm… fine." I managed.

"You had me worried there. What happened?"

I sat up with some difficulty. "I don't know. One moment I was looking at you and then the next… I think somebody hit me or something."

He looked at me concerned. "You and I are the only ones here."

"Then why were you yelling?"

"I wasn't yelling." He said slowly, helping me stand. He had to hold onto me a few minutes longer as I swayed on my unsteady feet. "We were walking and then suddenly you fainted."

"Walking? Angel we were in the middle of fighting vam…"

"Buffy!"

I froze. I stopped breathing, my heart stopped beating, every ounce of me wanted to turn around and look at who had just called my name, but I couldn't. Because when I did, she wouldn't be there. Her voice would just be some figment of my imagination.

"Hey, what are you guys doing out here?" I took a sharp intake of breath and closed my eyes. I couldn't be. It just couldn't. I saw her die. Julia showed me her death. She wasn't…

"Buffy are you okay?" Angel's voice came back to me once again, grounding me with his gentle concern.

"Yeah, just hearing voices." I looked down at the ground and laughed softly. "Looks like you and I have something in common."

Silence resounded around us as Angels hands still stayed firmly on my arms. "Sweetie maybe you should sit down or something."

"Angel I'm fine. Really. It's just the past coming back to…" I looked up, and when I did my eyes were greeted with the hazel eyes of my best friend. "haunt me. Willow?" I chocked out after a minute.

"Yeah." She said slowly, not quite understanding why I was looking at her the way I was.

"Willow? Oh God, it's really you." I flung my arms around her neck, hugging her and holding on for dear life.

"Um… It's good to see you too Buffy." By the tone of her voice I could tell that she was giving Angel one of those looks over my shoulder. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I…" And that's when I realized it. I was standing in the middle of a cemetery. Not just any cemetery, but Restfield cemetery. The place that I patrolled for five years. The place I grew up. That wasn't possible though. Backing away from both Angel and Willow I started to shake my head. They were getting to me. Someone was doing some sort of hocus pocus on me and it was working. They were causing me to open up to people that weren't even supposed to exist. Only one thought was racing through my head.

Leon had found out. He had found out that I was a slayer and…

"Buffy?"

"Stay away from me." And I darted. I ran in-between grave stones and mausoleums until I exited out of the grave yard, and I just kept on running and running until I couldn't do it anymore. I had to keep repeating to myself that none of this was real. The images were so vivid though that I was having to fight to keep my eyes from shutting against the unwanted pictures. I had to go somewhere to think, somewhere to figure all this out. Because I'm telling you right now there was no way in hell that I was back in Sunnydale again. Someone had put a spell on me. Probably the same someone who knocked me out. That had to be it. The last thing I remember was being hit from behind right? Well who was to say that after I blacked out they didn't take me back to their place and put me into some sort of drug induced sleep. It wouldn't be the first time that had happened to me. Hell, not even a few weeks ago I relived parts of the past. I gritted my teeth as I sucked in more breath and continued to run. From what? I'm not exactly sure.

When I finally stopped I was standing outside of my house, my heart pounding steadily against my rib cage. But it wasn't my house. That thing was long gone by now. There's no way in hell that a house could stand for over three hundred years. But it looked exactly the same as it did the last time I saw it. Whoever was doing this, whoever was fabricating these images of my past, definitely did their homework. Everything was the same, down to the smell of the flowerbeds outside the windows.

Who knows what made me go in, what force was pulling me towards the front door. But before I knew it, I was standing in the foyer of what used to be my home.

"Buffy," A shadow of my past came walking out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on an old dishrag. "You're home early. Did you decide not to go to the movies?"

I starred at her. I couldn't move even if I wanted to. I missed her so much. She died before this all happened, before my own death, and the last image I had seen of her was of her lying on the couch cold and lifeless. But now she was standing before me and… A sob ripped out of my chest before I even knew it.

Immediately her arms were around me. "Buffy what happened?" I couldn't speak though. I just stood there crying on my dead mothers shoulder. What was I supposed to tell her? That she wasn't supposed to be here? That none of this was real? So I stood there crying because there was nothing else I could possible do.

Long hours later I was sitting up on my bed staring listlessly off in the distance, clutching my old stuffed pig in my hands.

"Buffy?"

"I was beginning to wonder when you'd show up." I said without turning. What was the point? I knew what I would see. He'd be sitting there at my window with that questioning worried gaze of his. The gaze that he wasn't even allowed to give me in the reality I was supposed to be in. To look at him and see how we used to be would just hurt too much.

"I wanted to give you some time." The bed sunk a little as he sat down behind me. I still wouldn't turn though. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"It would be pointless."

"What happened tonight Buffy?" Concern laced his every word

"You tell me."

"Hey," He touched my arm causing me to turn at the sudden contact. "If you want me to leave just say so."

"Leave." He looked at me with that wounded puppy dog look. The one I couldn't resist. "I'm sorry." I sighed. "There's just… Some stuff is going on right now and I kind of need to figure it out. Alone."

"You were perfectly fine until Willow showed up. What suddenly changed?"

"Angel… I can't talk about this with you."

"Give me one reason why."

"I just can't okay!" I stood up from my bed, running a tired hand through my hair.

He looked at me and I could tell by his clenched jaw that it was taking everything inside him to keep himself sitting on that bed instead of running over and taking me into his arms. He always hated to see me cry.

Nodding his head once he stood. "Okay. You know where to find me if you need to talk." It was a whisper and nothing more. Walking over to me he gently kissed the top of my head, leaving his lips there a second longer, not wanting to pull away.

"Angel," I called out as he was finally climbing out the window.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you one question?"

"Anything."

I took a deep breath. "How old am I?"

He looked at me strangely, his brow knitting together. "Sixteen." He said after a beat. And my heart fell.


	9. Chapter Nine: Ghosts of My Past

Authors Note: Thanks to kiprusoff34 for sending me the reviews. It's always nice to have a new reader.

Chapter Nine  
Ghosts of My Past

Sixteen. Most grownups considered it the age of innocence while all teenagers considered it a right of passage. It was the age when you could get your license, get your first car. Your curfew would change and you were free to run your life a little bit more then when you were fifteen. Some consider sixteen to be the best time of their life because they were still young enough that they didn't have to deal with all the adult responsibilities, but old enough to go and do the things that they couldn't only a year before. Even though I was a slayer at sixteen, that I was out in a graveyard every night trying to save an innocent while still managing to pass my sophomore classes, sixteen was still my time of innocence. Seventeen was the time when hell began.

I don't know how long I had been starring at the wall. Angel hadn't left. The moment my age left his lips I had gone into a sort of trance, not answering to his calls, just starring distantly off at the picture frame that held the smiling faces of my two best friends. At some point in time he had moved me to sit down on the bed as he finally accepted the fact that I wasn't about to talk to him. So he just sat there with me, holding my hand. Something that was foreign to me at the moment.

I knew I couldn't stay like this forever though. Something had happened to me. What though is still completely up in the air. The only thing that I knew for certain was that this wasn't some sort of a dream. Everything was too real, too familiar. Besides, dreams rarely ever last this long.

"Buffy," Angel started hesitantly. "Is there something I can do?" I shook my head sadly. "Do you want to talk about it? I mean you don't have to if you don't want to. I just think it could help or something." He added, remembering earlier words tossed back and fourth over this same subject.

"I don't even know where to begin." And it was the truth. If I wanted to tell him what was going on I would have to say everything. I would have to start with the fact that in a couple years I was going to die and leave him behind to face the rest of the demons and monsters we were constantly trying to beat back. Leave him even though I promised one Christmas day that we would fight these same demons together. That little piece alone would cause him to ask why he wasn't with me when I died, why he couldn't stop my death from ever happening, and I would have to go through the whole story of him leaving me. It was just something that I not only wanted to avoid, but it was just something that I plane old didn't want to even face.

"Did you want to go see Giles? Maybe he could help…" My head whipped around. Giles. Giles was alive. Willow, Xander, my Mom, God even Cordelia, they were all alive. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing. That's just… It's a good idea. We should probably do that." I got up and grabbed my coat, about to head out the window. If I was Angel at the moment I would probably begin to wonder if I was bipolar with the way my emotions and moods kept bouncing around.

"Buffy wait."

"No Angel. I want to see them now. The sooner the better. So don't you dare sit there  
and try to tell me to wait until morning when I have a little more sleep in me, or for me to even rest because I'm going to go see my friends with or without you."

"Buffy," He walked up to me and gently took my wrist. "It's midnight. You can't just walk out the front door; your mom could see you."

"I'm not waiting 'till tomorrow." I said slowly and deadly. Every second I was stuck here was one second to long. I needed to get back to Angel. The real one. Not the one standing before me.

"I just meant that maybe we should use the window."

I looked at him dumbly. "Oh," I'd almost forgotten that I used to have to sneak out at night. After mom found out that I was a slayer I never had the need to hide the reason why I was going out so late. "Sorry," I mumbled. And in a matter of moments we were off to see one of the many ghosts of my past.

By the time we had reached Giles it was nearly one. We had taken a short detour in order for me to take my jitters over this whole matter out on something. I was practically ready to jump out of my skin. I really had no idea why either. It could have been the prospect of seeing the man I considered a father after all these years, or maybe it was the fact that right now my body was lying somewhere in an alley in LA getting God knows what done to it. And Angel? I didn't even want to think of what could happen to him if Leon got his hands on him.

"This better be important." A muffled voice said from behind the big oak door. For the second time tonight my heart stopped as the door swung open. "Buffy? Angel? Is everything okay?" He immediately opened the door with a hurried invitation for Angel. I couldn't even say a word. I felt as if my heart was in my throat.

"Something's wrong Giles." Angel said for me. "She's been like this for the past couple hours and she won't tell me why."

Giles rummaged around for his glasses and gestured for us to sit down on the sofa. "Demon related?" Giles looked at me expectantly, but when I didn't answer Angel had to just shrug his shoulders for me. "Hmm… yes. Why don't I go make us some tea and then we can talk about this."

I couldn't help the smile that came to my face at his words. It's amazing how much you miss the little things when a person is dead. Certain gestures or phrases will just trigger a memory and you'll want to hear them more then anything else in the world. Giles and his tea would always be one of those triggers.

Within a few minutes he had come back with a cup of boiling water for each of us. Without hesitation he added three lumps of sugar and a lot of milk into mine. He always used to tell me that I was ruining a perfectly good cup of tea by doing this, and yet he still fixed it for me like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Silence had overcome the room. No one was really sure what they should say. I had no idea what I was even supposed to do at the moment.

"I'm guessing something happened tonight." Giles said after a moment. "We could start there and then maybe…"

"Why don't you just ask me what's wrong?" I spoke for the first time.

"What's wrong?" He looked a little taken aback at my straight forwardness.

"Nothing." I said standing up from the couch. "Can I go now?" The walls were beginning to feel like they were closing in on me. I was getting to attached. I was under some sort of spell, I had to be. Or maybe even a coma. I needed to keep in mind that none of this was real, that I couldn't start thinking of these people as my family again because that was exactly what my attacker's plane had to be. The way to get to Angel was through me, and if they someone are able to manage for me to not wake up, to stay in this fantasy world where I feel safe…

"It was your idea to come here Buffy." Angel said, pulling me back down beside him.

"I changed my mind."

"Buffy…"

I sighed. I needed to get back to my life. Yes, this was my life. But it wasn't' the one I was supposed to be living. So now the question became, do I tell them what's really going on in hopes that maybe they're enough like the old Giles and Angel that they might be able to figure out a way for me to get home? Or did I keep my mouth shut and just hope that Angel and Connor were currently figuring out a way to get me back. Could I face the questions that they were bound to ask me if I did spill my secrets; their future?"

"Buffy…?"

"I don't belong here." There, I said it. Blunt and straight forward. It was a risk, I know. But I really didn't see any other option.

"What do you mean you don't belong here?"

"I mean just that. I don't belong here. In this time, in this place. This whole entire thing is something that has already happened and…" I looked at Angel. "Didn't you say once that this is what hell is like? A place where you're doomed to repeat something over and over again?"

"What…?"

"I don't belong here. Where I belong is nowhere near here. I live three hundred years in the future, in LA, and right now I need to get back there before anything happens to me."

Both men just looked at me blankly. Who was I to blame them? But I kept going anyways.

"Look, I was fighting in an alley in LA when someone came up behind me and hit me. Now I'm here in Sunnydale, a place that from my understanding is pretty much a nothing anymore, and I'm sixteen again."

"Buffy…" Giles scrutinized me. "Did you and Angel go patrolling tonight?"

"I'm making this up Giles! I swear to you that I'm from the future as corny and cliché as that might sound the fact remains that that's still true."

"Buffy, I know you're not making any of this up but think about," Angel stood up and gently started caressing my shoulders. "It's not possible. You're not a vampire, you're not a demon, you're a human being. Human beings rarely live past a hundred baby."

"I didn't live past a hundred. I'm only twenty." They just looked at me with growing concern. "This is why I didn't want to tell you." I squirmed out of his grip.

"Buffy, where are you going?"

"If you're not going to help me then I need to find somebody who can." I said before I slammed the door behind me.

"Think Buffy." I mumbled to myself. There had to be someone out there who could help me with this. I just couldn't think of who. I mean, Willow wasn't anywhere near being a witch yet, I didn't even know who Tara was, Anya was a demon still, and Dawn? Dawn hadn't even been created yet. The only two people in this world who could possibly help me were the two people who currently thought I was insane. So what do I do now? 

Punch.

Kick.

Stab.

Yes, I was back to that mantra as I went in search of something that I could beat into the ground. Fighting tended to clear my head. I was so focused on what I was doing, on staying alive, that the problems that were currently plaguing my brain didn't even matter. All the mattered when you went face to face with a demon was the kill. The anticipation on your opponent's next move, the rush of adrenalin when you stare them down, the whoosh of dust as you plunge the stake into the things dead black heart. That's all it ever came down to when you were fighting. Survival. How you were going to do and what you're next move would be. The thrill of the kill as most would say.

After I had exhausted myself, and was covered in a film of dust, I slowly made my way to the place that had been haunting me in the back of my mind all night. For some reason I knew just where this gravestone would be, even though I had never before laid eyes on it. It felt like it was subconsciously engraved into my memory. Sitting down I leaned against the huge oak tree, feeling the soft grass underneath my fingers. Silently I stared at the now vacant spot. In only a few years time though it would be filled. My body would be laying six feet under the ground with the simple markings to remember me by.

BUFFY ANNE SUMMERS  
1981-2001  
BELOVED SISTER  
DEVOTED FRIEND  
SHE SAVED THE WORLD  
A LOT

The same markings that I shouldn't even know about but somehow I did.

"Hey," I smiled. I couldn't help it. No matter how mad I was or how alone I felt, he still always managed to find me, come to me when I most needed it. I still don't know how he knew about my mother dying that time. I didn't tell him. But the sun set and suddenly there he was, slipping his hand between mine. "Is it okay that I'm here?"

I laughed. "I don't really have a choice in that now do I? If I say yes, then you'll sit down and start trying to get me to tell you what's going on, and then if I say no, you'll still sit down and try to get me to tell you what's going on."

And right on cue, he sat down. "I'm worried about you." He simply stated.

"I'm fine."

"Buffy, please don't give me that."

"What the hell am I supposed to say Angel? I was living in a time where you and I are together but we can't so much as hold each others hand, and we were fighting in an alley and the last thing I remember is looking at you and hating every ounce of our lives. Then the next thing I know I'm knocked out, then I awaken in a graveyard to find out that I'm in a place that shouldn't even exist any more, and suddenly you and I are acting like a normal couple again and then Willow shows up. And you know, I decided that seeing your dead best friend is highly overrated. So I just ran off, saw my mother who is also dead, then you came and tried to get me to share my feelings, which you knew was something I didn't want to do, and when that didn't work you took me to Giles to try and get me to open up there. But when I finally did open up, finally did share my feelings, you all looked at me like I was insane. So after I ran out and killed about a dozen or so vamps I decided to come here and sit by the tree that in only about four years time, I'll be buried by." He stared at me. "I thought that you might rather hear the words 'I'm fine', then all of that."

I crossed my arms over my chest trying to ward off the cold. "You can leave now."

"You're actually telling me the truth. You're…" he swallowed, out of fear or curiosity I'm not really sure. "You're not Buffy."

"No, I'm her. I'm just not the one you know." I laughed bitterly. "I'm not even the one you fell in love with."

Cold air brushed my cheeks as the leaves started to rustle under the winds feathery caress. I closed my eyes against it wishing that I could be emotionless. I was about to tell him to leave once more when the warmth of his coat was gently laid on my shoulders. Slowly and hesitantly he pulled me into his arms and even though I knew I should pull away, I didn't. All I could do was look up at him, seeing the Angel that I had fallen in love with all those years ago. It wasn't until this moment that I realized how much he had changed. As I look into his eyes I see torment and guilt, but it's an emotion. The Angel in the future, the one that I seem so desperate to get back to, doesn't hold emotion anymore. Since I've been back I can count the number of times I've seen a true feeling in his eyes with one hand. To see the Angel of my past seemed so wrong and yet so right all at the same time.

Choosing not to argue, not to fight anymore, I laid my head on his chest. Leaning down he gently brushed his lips to the top of my head and together we sat and stared at the place I would eventually lay.


	10. Chapter Ten: Die a Thousand Deaths

Authors Note: LOL. I made myself sit down and write this chapter mostly because someone by the name of smileydommie1 sent me two e-mails within a couple days begging me to write the next chapter. So I figured if someone out there is that desperate I better post one quick. I hope you like this one smiley! I really like the end of this chapter. I was really excited about it when I got half way through the chapter and figured out exactly where all this was going to go

_**Chapter Ten**_

_**Die a Thousand Deaths**_

Life has this funny way about throwing you curve balls. Just when you think you have everything figured out, something comes along to make you realize that you're still lost in the void of life. It's kind of ironic in a way. Not a week ago I was wishing for the life back in Sunnydale with my friends and family and an Angel that I didn't have to tip toe around. And now that I have it, I'm not sure if I really want it.

Part of me wants to find a way to get back to where I belong so I can work things out with Angel and make it so people can go outside without being afraid of what's around the next corner. Then the other part of me just wants to stay here. I know here, I know what's just around the bend. Just think of all the things that I could prevent happening if I stayed. I could find a way to keep Angel from leaving, I could stay home the day of my mother's death, I could keep Faith from crossing over… so many mistakes and problems could be fixed if I turned a blind eye to what's in the future. I never thought I would see my friends or my mother again. But here I am sitting in the high school library with the very people that are supposed to be dead. It's at this very moment that I'm hit with the decision I might have to make. Go back to a world shrouded in darkness, or stay here where I know I'm loved and the things I took for granted still exist. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do or say if we figure out what is actually going on.

"Uh… say that again?"

I looked over at Xander's confused face. It was exactly the reaction that I was expecting from them. Confusion, disbelief. I had just finished telling them what I've been going through for the past couple months. Right from the point where I woke up in that alley, to the fight that led me here. I didn't spare a single detail about Leon, which was definitely something Angel could have gone without. The moment I mentioned the vampires name he took a protective stance by my side, almost as if he could save me from something that hasn't even happened yet. The only thing that I didn't put into my little story was the fact that Angel now had kids and the deaths of each person surrounding me. I tried to stick with facts more then feelings most of the time, which automatically lead to me leaving out the little bits and pieces of Angel and I's relationship in the future. To share that would just bring up more grief and confusion then I really needed or wanted at the moment.

"Which part?" I finally asked Xander. All of them had been quiet through the whole story, no matter what came up.

"How 'bout all of it?" I looked down at the table knowing what I was getting into, trying to decide if I should just shout of April Fools in hopes that they would all think this was some sort of joke. At least then I could go back to having a normal life.

"It is quite a story." Giles added.

"I'm not making it up. I wish I was but I'm not."

"Buffy, what you're telling us is practically impossible."

"Giles, we fight vampires and daemons on a daily basis. To most, that is impossible, and yet it still happens. Yes, we haven't dealt with any time traveling sort of thing yet but it can happen. It _has_ happened. Now I'm sitting here and asking you for some help."

"We could do some research Buffy but I don't even know where to begin."

"Look in your books, go on the computer, call the watchers council. I don't care what it is we do but we need to do it fast. I don't know what's happening in the future but someone obviously wanted me out of the way for some odd reason."

"You're right. Something is going down where you're from. Something bad. All the more reason for you to stay here."

"Angel, don't." I just gave him a look. He was trying to protect me, I got that, but it was already going to be hard enough to go back to that world of darkness without him saying things that were starting to sound good in my mind.

"Alright, let's just go about this rationally. Who would want to get you out of the way?"

"Leon." It was a simple answer.

"But Buffy, you said so yourself that Leon doesn't even know that you're a slayer. He has no reason to send you back here."

"What if he found out though? I mean it's possible that he did."

"Possible, but not likely."

I turned my head towards Giles. "This whole thing isn't likely."

Sighing he took off his glasses to clean them. "Who else might want you out of the picture?"

"I don't know… maybe Spike."

"But… isn't Spike dead?" Willow looked at me confused which automatically triggered something in Giles memory that he hadn't thought of before.

"Spike and Drusilla died two weeks ago Buffy. They were caught inside a burning church. I'm trying to keep an open mind to what your saying but there are so many things that are counting against you at the moment."

I rubbed my temples. I had forgotten that there was a brief period of time when we thought Spike and Drusilla were nothing more then a pile of dust. How much could I tell them though without affecting the future? "Giles, I don't know what I can and can't tell you. What if I say something here that will prevent some huge event three hundred years down the line? I might have already done that."

"From the sound of it, I don't think your future can get any worse by telling us a few things." Willow, always the one to back me up no matter what, spoke up. And she had a point. It didn't make it any less nerve wracking though.

"Spike and Drusilla aren't dead. They got out of the church alive. Spike will be pretty hurt but the ritual helped restore Drusilla back to her full strength."

"Do you know where they're holding up?" Xander stood to go get some weapons. "We could catch them by surprise…"

"You can't kill him."

"I'm sorry. Are you living in the same reality I am? Spikes a bad guy. We kill bad guys…"

"Xander, he's in the future. He feeds us information about Leon. You kill him and we have no inside man."

"What's the point of you coming all this way then if you can't help us prevent the stuff that will eventually make life hell?"

"Killing Spike isn't going to prevent anything bad from happening. If anything it's only going to give Leon more leverage and opportunities to take control." I leaned back in my chair. This was going to get complicated really fast.

"Buffy's right. We can't try and change the future. Maybe it'd be best Buffy if you refrained from telling us anything that is going to happen in our immediate future."

"Or our life time for that matter." Willow quickly agreed with Giles. I think the whole thing about me knowing what was going to happen before it actually did was freaking her out a bit. "Buffy, do you think Spike could have done this to you?"

I shook my head. "No, he's changed. He wouldn't be trying to double cross us."

"Anyone else?"

"I would say Julia, but I think that's more out of my complete dislike of her then anything else."

Giles walked over and started pulling volume after volume off of the shelf. "It's not much to go on but it's a start. We can try and find out what Leon's been doing over the past hundred or so years. Maybe he acquired the kind of magic to send you back here. Either way I don't think we're going to find much here. Just hope that we get lucky."

And that was it. Hour after hour went by with all of us having our noses buried in a book, not finding a single thing that might lead us to solving the puzzle we were currently presented with. Everything that I had talked about took place three hundred years in the future. With resources that were currently only dated to the early nineteen eighties, it was highly unlikely we would be able to find anything of use. But we still sat and read until our eyes became dry and blurry from the strain they were put under.

"That's it." Xander shut his book and started rubbing his eyes. "I just read the same sentence six times and I still don't know what it says. I need to get some sleep."

Giles yawned wearily. "Yes, maybe we should pick this up tomorrow. There's nothing more we can do now."

"Alright." I half hear tingly agreed. "Tomorrow." I waved a tired goodbye before I stumbled out of the library. I was amazed I was able to sit in there that long. Every second spent in there was just reminding me of the life that I currently shouldn't have. The one that was dead and over with. By the end of the night I was so pressed to get out of there that the last two words I spoke was about all I could do before I started screaming. I loved them all but to see them again just reminded me to much of what I couldn't have.

Praying that these feelings and guilt would just go away, I started heading home. The only problem was that I felt like if I went to sleep I'd just be wasting time. The few precious hours that I would allow myself to sleep were more minutes ticking off the clock. More time I wasted on something as trivial as rest when I could be looking for a way back home. But things pretty much looked hopeless right now. There was no way to really tell what would happen years and years in the future, there was absolutely no way of telling who even sent me here or how they did it, and without that knowledge, how was I supposed to be sent back? We were searching for an answer that didn't even exist.

Even with all these thoughts racing through my mind I managed to climb up the terrace outside my window and get into bed. I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow.

"Morning Giles." The doors to the library swung open as I pushed them gently out of my way. It was barley even six and yet he was here. He probably just went home for a quick nap and a change of clothes before coming back.

"Buffy, you're here early."

"I couldn't really sleep." I slipped into one of the chairs, curling my knees up to my chest.

"Understandable."

"Did you find anything?" It was stupid question but it seemed like a good place to start.

"No, and I don't think I will."

"Me neither." I buried myself deeper into my dark grey sweatshirt. "But you believe me right? You don't think that I'm just making this all up?" The verdict on that was still out to jury as of last night. Who was I to blame them either? If someone would have came up and presented me with the story that I had told, I probably would have told them to get lost almost the second I laid eyes on them.

"I believe that you believe it."

"Great. So you think I'm insane."

"I never said that Buffy. It's just that I had seen you a few hours before you and Angel came to me and you were perfectly fine. You were yourself. And then suddenly you and Angel show up at my house and you're spouting tales of being from the future. Now Angel told me that you had hit your head pretty hard that night and…"

I rolled my eyes, trying to control the desperate urges to yell at him until he believed me.

"Buffy, as I said before, it's quite a story. And if it is all true then I promise that I'll help you in any way possible. But I'm not all together convinced that it is yet."

"Giles you know me. Why would I lie to you? I have no reason too. And I've hit my head hundreds of times and never once came back with a story like this one. I don't know what else I can do to make you believe me."

He sat down across from me and looked me in the eye. I held his gaze, knowing that this was the deciding moment. If Giles believed me then the rest would easily follow suit. "I'll believe you until reasons come up to make me think otherwise."

I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding. "Thank you."

"Buffy," His voice still held the serious tone to it as he kept his eyes straight on me. "You might have to settle for helping the future from here. Maybe with your knowledge we could prevent the events that now plague the earth in the first place."

That was already a thought that I had tossed and turned about the previous night. "What if I can't though? Whoever did this to me was smart. They wanted me out of the way for good. I think they would have anticipated the fact of me trying to change the future Giles."

"I don't know what else to tell you. There will be absolutely nothing in the books that will be any use for us. The only thing that may help up is a spell of some sort. We could see if you have any residue left on you from the spell that originally sent you here, but I don't know how much that would even help us not to mention that I don't know who would cast it. It would take a witch of somewhat magnitude to reveal a spell cast by someone of great power."

Right on cue Willow walked through the door. "You guys couldn't sleep either huh?"

"Willow could do it." I immediately jumped up.

"Do what?'

"Buffy, what makes you think that Willow would be able to…"

"She becomes this bad ass witch in the future. Her first spell is one that takes years of practice to do. I bet you anything she would be able to pull it off."

"What are you guy's talking about?"

"Buffy, I don't know. A spell like this one could severely hurt her."

"Giles think about it. This one little spell might be able to help us figure out how to get me back. The kind of magic she does is already in her somewhere. It's not something you just learn how to do. You already have it in you. You're born with it. All she has to do is tap into that power and let it out."

"_She _is standing right here. What are you two talking about?" Willow looked at us apprehensively.

"It's up to Willow Buffy. That's not a decision I can make for her." Giles said. I could tell he was already hitting himself for giving me that kind of permission.

"Willow, you would do anything for me right?'

"Yeah, you know I would."

"Then how do you feel about getting a head start on your future?"

"So what exactly is this supposed to do again?

We were all standing around in the library when Cordelia asked the question. It had taken us twelve days to get Willow comfortable around magic. Which was considered an extremely short time, but when you know the things I know it's an eternity. Giles had started out just teaching her little things, not wanting to strain or hurt her. But yesterday he and I had put her to the test. All we had to do was put her in a situation where Xander and I were both in immediate danger and the power I knew she had in her all along was unleashed. Her eyes went black and the building shook, proving to Giles that she was more then capable to handle a reversal spell.

"In theory," Giles started. "Buffy should have some sort of residue remaining on her from the spell that sent her back here. Big spells like that always leave their mark. If that mark is still there, which there is a great possibility that it might not be after all this time, we may be able to gather the substance and reverse it, thus sending Buffy back to where she belongs."

"And if this doesn't work, if Willow screws up and says the spell wrong?" Cordelia had her hands on her hips.

"Let's not go into the repercussions shall we?" He had been refusing to tell me or anyone else what might happen if the spell somehow backfired. The only one that knew was him and Willow.

"Alright, Buffy, you have to stand in the circle there and whatever you do don't break the line of sand."

I nodded my head giving Angel's hand a squeeze before following Willow's orders and I jumped into the faint purple and green outline of sand that was one the floor. "Okay, now what?"

"Just stay there and cross your fingers that this works." She bit her lip muttering words of encouragement to herself. "Here goes nothing."

Sitting down right outside the circle she began to light her candles.

"_Goddess Hecate, here my call. Show me the path of the unseen show me the lines of the unclean."_

A bitter stench started to fill the room as moaning slowly filled the background.

"_Let the mark of the future glow in the light. Let us put back what is right."_

The moaning became louder and louder as the books started shooting off the shelf, one of them hitting Xander right in the eye. But Willow stayed still with her eyes closed and just shouted her words over the constant wailing in the room. She was a born natural

"_Goddess Hecate, heed my warning. Guide us to the path of reversal. Show us where reality bends and the sands of time have folded." _

"Umm, Willow? Maybe we should stop this." The sky above me had opened up, splitting the library roof in half, the sides peeling back to reveal the night air. Dark purple clouds were humming above and the rain shot down. But Willow couldn't hear a word I was saying as she began to slowly levitate off the ground. "Willow!"

"Buffy don't break the circle!" Giles called to me over the roaring sound of the wind.

The darkness of the clouds were slowly closing around here. Engulfing her into their wrath. I knew she was still chanting, I could see her mouth moving, but for the life of me I couldn't hear a word that she was saying. Shadows began to swoop down, weaving their way around the objects of the room, and slowly they began to surround me. They had almost taken on a life of their own. Their murky forms hovered right outside the circle, wailing and moaning at me, starring at me with what I could only assume were eyes. Taking deep breaths I stayed calm. Willow and Giles would both die before they let anything happen to me. At least that's what I told myself as the shadows talons started ripping into me.

I put up my hands in a desperate attempt to keep them away. All I wanted to do was fight them off. I knew they were really no match for me. But the circle was so small and tightly compact that I was afraid that if I moved the line would be broken and this would all be for nothing. So I covered my face to protect myself, taking a silent vow that if these things were still hanging around when this was all said and done, I would be sure to kick their ass.

And just as quickly as the talons and the ripping and the pain had started, it stopped. Along with everything else they just seemed to disappear into thin air. But when I opened my eyes I realized I wasn't in the library. I was expecting the worried faces of my friends to fill my gaze but instead nothing more then a simple ring filled my vision.

It wasn't all that elaborate of a thing either. It was nothing more then an emerald stone sitting gently on a golden band. But everything about it screamed power. It seemed to glow, lighting up the darkness around me with its bright green light. Slowly, as if I was pushing my way through sand, I reached for it. Stretching my fingers out, straining to touch it, to know what it was all about. But the second the tips of my fingers grazed its glossy surface a brick came down on me, crushing my fingers and the ruby gem underneath them.

Ignoring the biting of broken glass that was currently possessing my hand, I looked up to see who exactly it was that did this to me. Angel's soft gaze was the only thing that filled my eyes.

Quickly I sucked in air as the library's scenery came rushing back to me. Deep breaths were currently the only thought on my mind. My brain was acting as if it hadn't had oxygen for months and my heart pounded with the effort to will my body back to its working purpose.

"Buffy," Angel was by my side in an instant helping me sit up, holding onto me in almost a death like grip. If it wasn't so comforting I would have told him to let me go so I could breath better. Btu right now I just wanted my world to consist of two things. Air and Angel.

He waited, brushing strands of hair out of my face as I tried to regain my composure. All I could do was hold onto him. "Are you alright?" He asked as my breathing began to take on a much more normal pattern.

"I… I think so."

"Buffy I'm so sorry." Willow flew down to my side in an instant and hugged me fiercely. "The book said that they'd try to get to you but I thought I could hold them off. I'm so sorry Buffy. I swear I didn't know it would be that bad." She practically sobbed into my shoulder.

"Willow, calm down. I'm alright. Really, I'm fine."

Xander kneeled down next to us and gently pulled Willow away. It was then that I noticed how tear tracks stained the faces of everyone around me. "I'm going to go lay her down. You might want to talk to Giles about what just happened." He gave me a look, almost as if he thought he would never see me again, and picked Willow up. Him and Cordelia both took her into Giles' office to try and get her to regain her composer. The spell had taken a lot out of her from what little I had seen.

"What did he mean talk to you about what just happened?" I looked up at Giles, still feeling my heart leaping out of my chest.

"You don't know?" Angel looked at me strangely. "Buffy, you're heart stopped. You had been dead for twenty minutes."

"What?' I could barley even choke out the words.

"We've been sitting here trying to revive you… We were just about to give up when you suddenly just…"

"No… No I couldn't have died. A girl can only die so many times before going insane and I think I'm well past my limit." I was starting to panic. With the recent air loss from my body I could tell that I was a little more out of control then I licked to be. "I couldn't have been gone for twenty minutes either. Twenty seconds maybe, I'll even go with a full minute here, but there is no way in hell I was gone for twenty minutes. My dream didn't last that long…"

"Dream? What dream?" Giles looked completely intrigued.

"I don't know." I said slowly. My recent demise fled from me as that strange feeling I got from the ring flooded back over me. That should have been my first hint that something was different. "It just had a stone in it and then Angel smashed it when I reached out for it and…."

Oh my God. It just clicked. That gem. I had seen it before.

Without saying a single word I looked at Angel with wide eyes. My luck just might have changed.


	11. Chapter Eleven: Here Always

Chapter Eleven  
Here Always

"Buffy calm down." Angel said as he followed me around the library. Now that I had something, something that could quite possibly be the answer to my prayers, I wasn't about to sit down and explain myself. I knew that gem had looked familiar. I just couldn't figure out what it had to do with the situation I was in. But that didn't matter. Visions like that don't just pop up for no reason what so ever.

"I can't. I have to find it."

"Find what Buffy? You're making no sense."

"Angel just trust me and start pulling out any books that might contain something about a ring." I started searching madly through the stacks of books that were already piled around the library.

"Do you know the name of this ring?" Giles looked at me curiously but joined in my quest for a certain book.

"Yes… well no. I don't remember it. I know what it is though. It's the gem of something or other."

"Gem of Merthow?" Giles asked curiously.

"No."

"Gem of Bajarse?"

"No."

"Gem of Lextintoh?"

"No! Giles stop playing twenty questions with me and just find a book with a lot of gems in it."

"What's with the sudden urge to find this thing anyways?" Angel's voice came from my right.

"While I was passed out… dead… whatever the hell I was, I had this image of this ring. It could mean something and I want to find it before I forget what it looks like."

"What did it look like?"

"I don't know. Green, smallish. It kind of sat on this gold band with little strips of gold going over the top of it… It shouldn't be too hard to find. I mean, how many little green rings are there in the world?"

"Do you want me to start with Sunnydale alone?" Giles intoned sarcastically.

"Don't start with me Giles."

"Buffy, this ring could be in anyone of these books."

I groaned. "Don't you have like an 'Ancient Gems A-Z' book or something?"

"I'm sorry, I sold that at my last garage sale."

"Giles, now is not the time to be sarcastic with me." I flopped down in the nearest chair. He was right, it could be anywhere. I might not even be in a book he owned yet.

"Do you know what the ring does?' Angel continued to look through books. But I jumped up in triumph.

"I can be such an idiot at times." I muttered. "It's for vampires. If they put it on then they're indestructible."

"The Gem of Amara?"

"That's it! The Gem of Amara!"

"Buffy, that's just a myth." Giles sat down looking almost a little deflated from coming so close to solving the puzzle and yet losing at the last second.

"It's not a myth Giles. It's buried right here in Sunnydale."

"How do you know this?"

"Because Spike digs up practically the whole damn town looking for it and when he finally finds it he and I have this huge fight in the courtyard at the college."

Giles sat up. "This is something that's going to happen?"

"Yes. In like…" I stopped and mentally calculated the dates. "two years. Maybe a little bit more."

"Do you remember where it was buried?"

I slumped in my chair, my wonderful plan suddenly going down the drain. "No. I wasn't exactly with him when he found it. We have to find this though Giles. I can't really describe it, it's just… I know it's important."

Giles gave me a curt nod. "Alright. I'll see what I can do. You should probably head home though. It's getting late. I don't want your mother to start worrying."

I glanced up at the clock. It was close to midnight by now. I just had to pray that this was one of those nights where mom was out at the gallery 'till late. "I just want to go and talk to Willow and then I'll head out."

"She's resting." Xander entered the room somberly. "She finally passed out about a minute ago. I think the spell did her in." He turned towards Giles. "I called her mom earlier tonight and told her that she was helping me with my term paper. Can she just crash here tonight?"

"Certainly. You best be getting home though."

"Come on. I'll give you a ride." Cordelia offered. It almost took me by surprise. I rarely could remember a time when she was anything but bitchy or sarcastic. I died before she became the woman Angel had known.

Xander nodded once, looking at me with a small sad smile. "You okay."

"I'm fine. The whole dying thing isn't all that bad once you get used to it." I tried to joke. He just came up and gave me a tight hug though making me realize how much I missed him.

"Night." I watched him and Cordelia walk away until the doors swung shut. It began to hit me that one of these times it was going to be the last time I was ever going to see them again. The thought of the decision that I would soon have to make popped back up into my head. Stay or leave. Two words had never scared me more in my life.

"You want me to walk you home?" Angel handed me my coat.

"Yeah." It barley came out. My voice was hoarse with emotion that I was going to have to face sooner or later. Without me even knowing it Angel steered me out of the Library and into the cold night air.

"You okay?"

"I don't know."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

I shook my head. "Not yet. But maybe later."

"I'll be here when you need me."

I looked down at the ground trying to hide the pain that I know what crossing my features at the moment.

"Hey," He stopped and turned me to him. "What was that about?"

"What was what about?" Maybe if I beat around the bush enough he'll forget about it. At least that was the lie that I was currently telling myself.

"That look that you just gave."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I didn't give a look."

He was silent, realization dawning on him. "I'm not exactly there for you in the future, am I?"  
"It's not your fault."

With the tip of his finger he tilted my head up towards his. "That's no excuse."

"There's a lot of things that have happened between us that you won't understand. You and I not being close to each other isn't because of anything we decided really. At least not most of the time anyways." I tried to defend his future self. I don't really know why. It was just really beginning to hurt to see the old Angel all over again.

"So we're not together at all in the future." It wasn't a question so much as a statement.

"That question is more complicated then it seems." I began walking again. "We say we're together but…" He took my hand in his and I had to bite my lip to hold back the bitter laughter that was welling up inside me. "Like right now, we're holding hands and walking along. We don't do that later."

"Why?"

"Because we're afraid we're going to hurt each other again. Before I came here you and I went though a pretty tough time. You were doing things that hurt me to protect me and I was over reacting on some issues. And when we finally sort of worked things out we just…"

"Shut down?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Just seems like the easy way out I guess."

I sighed, not quite sure why I was telling him all of this. Maybe it was because I knew that he wouldn't go and make it all publicly known. He'd take it with him to his grave. "We promised each other that we were going to start over. Go back to the beginning where we didn't keep secrets and we made an effort to have some semblance of a love life. But you know what we do? Nothing. We don't kiss, we don't touch, we barley come within two feet of each other all because we're afraid that it'll just lead to more hurt down the road."

He was silent. It was my guess that he had no idea how he was even supposed to respond to that. In his eyes we were going to be together forever. Our biggest problem that we had gone through was the whole situation with the master so far. He had no idea what was even to come.

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that stuff…."

"No. I told you that I would be here for you and I am."

"Angel…"

"Buffy, I'm not there for you in the future so let me be there for you now."

"You're sweet. But it's not just your fault that things are the way they are later on. It's partly my fault and a huge amount of it also falls on the Powers That Be. I swear they must get off on our misery or something." He just raised an eyebrow to me. "Never mind."

By the time these words had come around we were already at my house. Thankfully it was one of those nights where mom was out late. I wasn't sure if I was happy about this or sad. Even if she would just spend the next hour yelling at me for being out past curfew, I would still get to see her. Right now I would take as much of her as I could get. Even if that meant me getting grounded from here to eternity.

"Thanks for walking me home."

"No problem." Leaning down he brushed his lips with mine, kissing me slowly and with warmth. It was the kind of kiss that you feel from you head right down to the tips of your toes. So when he pulled away I kept my eyes shut just a little bit longer, savoring this moment because I had no idea when the next one like this would come along.

I couldn't help but smile though when I opened my eyes and was greeted with the fact that this wasn't a dream. "I better get inside. Tomorrow should be interesting." He nodded his head in agreement but still kept a hold of my hand.

"Night." I turned to walk away, our hands still connected, but at the very moment that I was about to let go he pulled me to him.

"Wait. You being from the future and all, maybe you could help me with something."

"What?" I asked wryly.

"What did you want most for your seventeenth birthday?"

I froze. "Wh-Why?" Please no. Please no. Please no.

"Because it's only a week away and I still don't know what to get you."

Tears stung my eyes because I had no idea what I should tell him. In one week my whole entire life was about to change and the stupid tragedy of our lives would be set in motion.

"Buffy?" He brushed away the tear that was currently falling down my cheek.

"I already know what you'll get me." I managed to whisper. "And it's perfect." And that's all the more I could say before I ran inside the house.

"I don't know Giles. That all sounds a little fishy to me." Willow was saying when I entered the library the next morning. "Buffy!" She smiled and waved brightly to me. I quickly ran over to give her a hug when I noticed that she was still pretty pale. I don't think she would have been able to get up even if she wanted to.

"Are you alright?" I cringed at her appearance.  
"I'm fine. What about you? I mean you're the one who… well you know."

"I'm fine. Didn't even feel a thing. Besides," I sat down in the chair beside her. "It's not like it was a waste of time. I got that nifty little dream thingy from it."

"About that," Giles looked at me. "I may have found a way to find the ring. There is a shaman who owes me a favor. He'd be able to call fourth the ring from wherever he is pretty easily."

"Did you by any chance introduce this Shaman to his wife?" I hated knowing what our options were but at the same time knowing that they would work.

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You can't use that favor yet." I said dejectedly. "Something more important comes up later on down the road."

They both looked at me, the question of what exactly was more important then this was sitting on their lips, but I knew they wouldn't ask it. "Then we go to option B which is a little more risky. We do it ourselves."

"No," The word was out of my mouth before I even thought of it. "I'm not putting Willow through another one of these spells. She's already been though enough."

"It's okay Buffy. It's really not that big of a deal."

"Willow, you can barely even stand. I'm not going to put you through another spell."

"Buffy, she wouldn't be doing it alone. I'd be helping her this time around."

"Giles."

He nodded his head knowing I was right. It's just that we were running out of options. Willow didn't seem to keen on fighting us on this either. 

"So do we have any other options?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Damn. There's got to be something else that we haven't thought of yet."

"What if we just did a locater spell? We can find out where it is and then dig it up."

"Time's not exactly of our side here Willow. We need something faster then that."

"So basically we're sitting her waiting for a miracle…." My eyes widened as I jumped up from my seat. A miracle. It was worth a shot. I wasn't to sure if it would even work but as Giles said earlier we were pressed for time at the moment. "I think I just figured out how to solve both of our problems."

"What are you talking about?"

"I know someone who can get me both the ring and a safe passage back home."

"Who?" Giles looked at me curiously.

"Let's just say it's someone who owes me. A lot."


	12. Chapter Twelve: Another Minute

_**Chapter Twelve**_

_**Another Minute**_

"Come before us, lower being."

"What have you brought us?"

"Nothing." I intoned

"You come before us, you a mere mortal, with no gift?"

"I've been your damn champion since I was fifteen. That is your damn gift." I stood my ground. I had never once been to the Oracles. I didn't even know they existed up until Angel had mentioned it to me sometime a long long time ago. But here I stood now because I knew that they were the only ones with enough power to fix this. To make things right.

"You're the Slayer." The female said. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a statement. It was just three words strung together.

"Slayers do not come before us. We do not serve your kind."

"My kind? My kind! I'm out there every single day, protecting your people day in day out. How the hell can you tell me that you don't serve my kind?"

"Slayers are only one part in the cosmic balance. You are no more then a pawn."

I starred at them in disbelief. They were saying this so matter of factly that it was beginning to scare me. "Fine. I want you to remember that I'm no more then your pawn when in a couple month the world almost gets sucked into hell. Or maybe when a homemade synthesized monster wants to kill little boys. Or wait, I'll do you one better. How about when the god Glory comes here to our realm and tries to take over. Let's see how much of a pawn I am when this all goes down." I seethed.

They looked at me. Not a single emotion playing across their faces. "You are not the slayer of our realm."

"Ding ding ding. We have a winner." I don't know what it is about the bronzed faces of these two. Maybe it's the fact that they're working for the higher ups. The same higher ups that have cosmically screwed with my life for as long as I can remember. I don't know and I really don't care. Right now I have the perfect opportunity to show my feelings towards them and I'm not about to sit back and be nice about it.

"So the stars tell the truth. You have been brought back."

"Why?"

"That we cannot disclose. It is for you to figure out."

"No. Sorry. Doesn't work that way. Tell me what the hell I'm doing here."

They looked up to the heavens for some sort of answer but obviously it wasn't the one I wanted. "We are not permitted to tell you."

"Oh yeah?" I pulled out a dagger. "What if I make you permitted?"

The woman smiled. "You can't kill us. We are beyond you."

"Way I hear it, you die later on in life. So what stops me from taking you out now?"

"The future." They started circling me. "You kill us now then the aid we will give in the future is lost, plunging the world into darkness even earlier then before."

"You couldn't possibly know what's going to happen."

"We're divine. We see all before it ever comes close to happening. We know of the future you speak of."

"Yeah? Well if your all divine and all that shit, then why the hell didn't you know who I was?"

"We control and view the fates of many realities. They tend to blur at times. But we know of our death. It is foretold, as of your future also. We know what will happen if you change the future. All that you have worked for will be erased."

I threw the dagger, digging it into the nearest wall. I knew they were right but it still didn't keep me from venting any. "What does it matter? Me being here has already got to change about half a dozen important events in the next year and a half alone. If I stay in this realm I'm not going to make the same mistakes I did once. Do you really think that I'll sleep with Angel in a couple weeks? Go through all that pain and torture again? If you don't help me out right now I'll screw up your little cosmic balance."

"You can't." They both said it simply and in unison.

"The realm you are in does not exist." The man said quietly.

Those simple words hit me with blind force. If this realm didn't exist then that meant that everything surrounding me was fake. The man and woman before me was fake. My life right now suddenly ceased to exist.

"You mortals and your narrow ways." My head snapped up at the woman's tone. "Just because your realm doesn't' exist doesn't mean we don't. By entering into our chamber you have ascended your earthly realm and walked into ours. We control all realms of the past present and futre. Even the ones that are non existent are under our powers."

"Yeah. You mind explaining how that one works."

"Your mortal brain is too small and weak to process it."

Did the Powers That Be just insult me? Moving on I started in again. "How do I get back?"

"The ring. It is the path you must take."

"But you said so yourself. My realm that I'm in doesn't exist. I have no ways of getting that ring because it doesn't exist."

"It exists in your realm."

I starred at them wanting for all the world just to scream. Instead I settled for running a hand through my already messy hair. "So I get the ring, I can go home."

The woman cocked her head to the side, genuinely interested at what had just come out of my mouth. "Is that what you consider it? The future is now your home?"

I never really thought of it that way. My home I had always considered to be in Sunnydale. That's where my friends and family were… was, and that to me would always be home. But then why did I want to get back to the future so much? What was so important for me there that I now considered it my home?

"He is." It was a whispered comment from who knows which oracle. But it was still out in the open. He in so many ways made the future my home for me. I don't know how seeing as we were fighting constantly up until a little while ago. But somehow in all that time he had made it my home. Gave me a place to hold onto in life.

"Just tell me how to get back." It was a sound of defeat to their ears, but a sound of consent to mine. I needed to side with them, I needed to work with them. My petty vengeance against the people that screwed with my life for so long suddenly didn't seem all that important anymore. Now it was just important that I got back home to Angel. That I killed Leon and made the future somewhere that my friend's great great great great grandchildren could look forward to. Where Dawn and her little girls death would be avenged.

"As we have said before. The ring is your path."

"How am I supposed to get it?"

"You already have it." A weight suddenly fell in my pocket. Reaching inside I pulled out a little green ring with a golden lining. "Slip the ring on at midnight and you'll be back to the place you need to be."

"That's it. No loopholes or consequences? You're just going to give me the ring with no charge?"

"Consider this a payment for all your future troubles."

And it was enough. Sending me back. Helping me home was all I needed. I'm not saying I won't ever cuss out the PTB ever again. I know I will. But right now it's enough.

"Thank you." I turned to leave with absolute sincerity. I didn't want to stick around. I didn't feel like questioning anymore. I felt like getting home. But the foggy misty…. whatever the hell that thing was that brought me through here, wasn't appearing. Turning back I was about to question them. But then I saw it.

"He loves you. More than life itself." The woman said and with a wave of a hand a past memory started.

"_Mmm, this is a dream. You're human for like a minute and already there is Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip in the fridge." _

_"God, I love food."  
_

_"Food is good." _

The scenes played out before my eyes, causing it all to painfully come back to me. The words more than life itself echoed in my ears.

_"It's a good sound. Thump-thump. Thump-thump."  
_

_"It feels pretty amazing." _

_  
"I'm so glad we didn't logic ourselves out of this. We'll make it work, right?" _

_  
"We will." _

My hand went to my mouth covering the sob that was already building in my throat. Somewhere in the back in my mind the knowledge of what came next was there, I just couldn't recall it until the images started blurring together to form the next one. The most painful ones.

_"Don't you want to wake the girl?" _

_"Not for the world."_

A smile. It was faint and yet it was there. The mere thought of me just lying in the other room made that smile grace his lips. Not the fact that he was human, not the fact that he could finally taste chocolate, the fact that I was with him is what made him smile

_"You. You alone will carry the memory of this day. - Can you carry that burden?"_

The female oracle looked down at the ground knowing full well the reaction I was to make. She almost felt guilty it seemed for having to show me this. But she knew as well as I did that it was only right. It was a part of my past that seemed to be erased from my mind and I needed it back. She herself had said that everything was predestined. I was meant to see this. No matter how painful the next parts were to watch.

_"I'm guessing that expression isn't because they were all out of fresh OJ at the deli. - What happened?"  
_

_"Nothing happened. - I just.." _

_  
"Where have you been?" _

A tear slipped down my cheek. I already knew the answer._  
_

_"I went to see the Oracles. I asked them to turn me back."  
_

_"What? - Why?"  
_

_"Because more than ever I know how much I love you." _

I saw my image backing away. The pain just as real now as it had been all those years ago.

_  
"No. No, you didn't." _

_"And if I stayed mortal one of us would wind up dead, maybe both of us. You heard what Mohra said."_

Tears came unbidden. It felt like he was leaving me all over again. Once again he was making the decision of what I thought at the time was the world taking priority over me. But now I knew that all it was, was him trying to protect me. To make my life last just a little bit longer. And what do they do? Kill me not even two years later.

_"The Oracles are giving us back the day, turning back time, so I can kill Mohra before his blood makes me mortal." _

_  
"When?" _

_  
"Another minute." _

_  
"A minute? No. No, it's not enough time!" _

I shook my head backing away from my crying form, my sob finally bursting though.

_  
"We don't have a choice. It's done." _

_  
"How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?"  
_

_"You won't. No one will know but me."  
_

_"Everything we did." _

_  
"It never happened."  
_

_"It did. It did. I know it did!"_

I reached my hand out as if to touch that once beating heart one more time.

_I felt your heart beat." _

And I fell. My legs couldn't support me anymore. Once again fate was ripping us apart. We had everything we ever wanted in life and it was being taken away for reasons that neither of us wanted to understand. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest as his tears fell down and that endless kiss that lasted only seconds took place. I almost could feel his lips on mine. Feel the desperation. I clung onto him for dear life. Images of sending him to hell flashing inside my head, recalling all the times this had happened. Most of all though, I remember the look in his eyes.

For twenty four hours he had been with me. Free of the curse, free of his demons and torments and I knew right then he wouldn't have traded it for anything else in the world. Those twenty four hours, though brief, meant everything to him. That was his redemption at the time. And right now, as I thought of the man I had left in the future I realized that he was still holding onto that day in his heart. Still holding onto me and that dream that one day we'd get the fairytale, we'd get the Hollywood style romance. Nothing had changed. We were still in love, probably more then we had ever been. _  
_

_"No. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget."_

I told him once that we would fight together. And we will.

"Buffy, where did you go?" Willow rushed up to me and gave me a hug, and the painful truth that none of this was real just bit into me.

"I had a little business to take care of." I pulled away looking at each and every one of my friends in the library. I was going to miss them, but it was time for me to go. Slowly I pulled out the ring, my prize.

"You got it. How the hell did you get it?" Xander smiled in half shock and half awe.

"I told you guys. Someone owed me a favor." I just smiled.

"So how does this work? How is this little ring supposed to get you home?"

"Believe it or not. I just have to slip it on." They looked at me not really believing the simplicity of it all.

"When?" Angel asked for the first time. I had to fight back the tears upon seeing him. He didn't know yet though. He wasn't faced with the decision to give up humanity for me yet. And I wasn't going to tell him. He had two weeks before his life came crashing down. I had to let him enjoy it while he still could. Before the light and passion in his eyes burned out.

His question resounded in my head and I almost laughed at the irony of it all. "Another minute." Not giving them a chance to even voice their opinions I hugged Willow. "Bye Wills. I'll miss you."

She smiled through her tears. "Something says I'll be seeing you."

I nodded. "Xander, don't let anyone tell you you're not important. You're the most important of us all."

"Oh God. I die in the future don't I?"

I laughed and hugged him tightly. "Giles," I sighed and leaned up to him whispering my adoration for him into his ear, along with a few other things. Leaving Angel for my last goodbye as the sound of the bell started to ring, counting down the amount of time I had left before I would go back.

What was I supposed to say to the man before me though? His life was just about to go downhill. He suffered so much in the future. I almost wanted to stay to protect the look of protruding happiness his eyes held. But I knew it would make no difference. They only existed as long as I was here.

"I'll never leave you." He said, pulling me into his strong embrace. "Tell the future me I promised." I smiled, allowing one tear, just one, to run down the side of my check. He pulled away from me and took the ring from my hand and before I knew what he was doing he slipped it on. "I love you." And it all went black.

My head was pounding by the time I opened my eyes. "What the…?" I half expected to wake up in the alley. Not here in the bedroom that Angel and I currently shared. And I definitely didn't expect to see him sitting next to me on the bed, his body wrapped around mine as he held me tightly in his embrace.

"Angel?" I choked out as I looked up at him. I don't think I've ever been more afraid in my life. I needed him. I knew this and yet there still might be nothing I could do. His eyes were open in a flash though as his name finally reached his ears. "Hi,"

He starred at me dumbly, not quite believing that I was here. "Buffy… I…" He pulled me tighter against him. Holding me to his chest hardly allowing me to move. But somehow I didn't care. I was back and I was with him. Nothing was going to change that. Three hundred years couldn't change that.

I didn't even know I was crying until he started kissing away the falling tears. "I love you. I swear I'll never leave you. God… Buffy."

All I could do was laugh. What a picture we made. Both of us crying, our tears mingling with one another's. "Is that a promise?"

Pulling away he looked me dead in the eye, leaning his forehead against mine. "I swear." Gently he touched his lips to mine, sharing our first kiss in what seemed like forever. It quickly deepened to something more, each one of us pouring all the love that we held for each other into that one single kiss. Tomorrow we could die. Tomorrow this all could end and my story would stop here. But right now? Right now life was perfect.


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Necessary Moves

Chapter Thirteen  
Necessary Moves

"What happened?" After long minutes of crying and holding each other we finally were able to calm down enough to answer each others questions. Neither one of us let go of the other though. Time had already been wasted enough.

"I don't know. You just passed out. One moment you were standing there and looking at me and the next you were on the ground."

"You didn't see who hit me?" I was fit tiling with the Gem of Amara that was still firmly placed on my finger. I was afraid to take it off. I had no idea if it would suddenly transport me back to Sunnydale or not.

"Buffy," He looked at me seriously "No one hit you. There wasn't anyone even near you."

"That's impossible. Why would I just black out like that?"

"I don't know. We had someone come in and look at you and she said that you were in a coma. They didn't think you were going to wake up Buffy. They pretty much told us there was nothing we could do. It was your choice on whether or not to wake up."

"It still doesn't explain why I would suddenly just go into a coma. Something had to have triggered it." I muttered. Nothing seemed to come to mind though that could answer that question.

"Do you remember anything?" He asked after a moment. "You weren't… you weren't in pain or anything like that were you?"

I shook my head. "No, I didn't even know I was gone at first." He looked at me questionably. "I was in Sunnydale."

"That's impossible. Sunnydale's practically non-existent now."

"My thoughts exactly. But it wasn't now a days Sunnydale. It was the Sunnydale I remembered. It was almost as if I was sucked back in time or something. Every little detail was the same, not a single leaf was out of place. It was just so… so surreal almost. Everyone was there and alive and healthy. I was sixteen again." I shook my head slightly. "I was pretty much in the happiest time that I ever had in my life. It was before Angelus, before Acathla and the Mayor, before Mom dying. Before Glory. Dawn wasn't' even there yet since she didn't get created until a few years later."

"So you were happy then?" There was something about his tone of voice as he spoke.

"In a way I guess you could say that. I mean, I saw all the people that I've ever loved and cared for. I got to see my mom again." I looked down, part of me wishing that I hadn't figured things out so soon. That I was still back there in my old house, watching old movies and eating home cooked meals with my mom by my side. "I just… I don't think I realized how much I had missed them all." Tears started to fall down my cheeks. "I mean… I feel like I'm losing them all over again Angel. I only had a couple minutes to say goodbye and…"

"Hey. Shh…" He pulled me into his arms. "At least you got to say goodbye this time."

"I know. It doesn't' mean that it hurts any less." I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

Pulling back slightly I frowned. "Why do I think that that apology wasn't a sign of empathy or comfort?" He looked down abashed. "Angel?"

Sighing he leaned back a little bit. "When the doctor told me that it was your choice on whether or not you'd wake up again, I didn't accept it. I looked everywhere, trying to find a way to bring you out of the coma, to show you that we could make this all work. I didn't want you to go without knowing that I… that I still loved you."

"I know you love me." I frowned

He ignored me though and continued. "I… I found a spell. It was supposed to kind of rip you out of there. I swear Buffy, I didn't know that you were happy… If I knew…"

"Angel," I looked at him in complete shock, hoping he wasn't thinking what I thought he was. "You couldn't possibly think that I wanted to stay there could you?"

"You said so yourself Buffy. Sixteen was probably one of the happiest times for you."

"I've lived that part of my life Angel. Do you know what I kept thinking when I was there? How can I get back here? How can I get back to you? Despite all of the things you and I have gone through these past couple of weeks I still wanted to get back here to you."

"But if you were sixteen, technically weren't you and I still together? You hadn't turned seventeen yet. We were happy, thinking we had the whole world at our feet. Why would you want to come back here to a man who hasn't shown you love in…?"

"Stop it. You don't get to do this. I made my choice Angel. A spell didn't rip me out of that world, I did. I sought out how to get back here. I'm not going to lie to you and say that the thought of staying there and changing my life around, preventing Angelus from ever surfacing hadn't crossed my mind. Because it did. Do you know how many things I could have changed? We could have been together, my mom wouldn't have died, the mayor never would have gotten a chance, Faith wouldn't have gone rouge, I would still be alive, and the list just goes on. But I didn't do it. Instead I fought to get back here tooth and nail. Instead I'm sitting here right now not even regretting my decision."

"How did I ever get someone like you?"

I smiled. "I have no idea."

He pulled me towards him and kissed me once again. It seems like in the past hour we've kissed each other more then we had in the past couple months. "So how did you get back here?"

"The Powers. I simply told them that they owed you and I something after everything we've done for them."

"How'd you know even where to find them?"

"You told me once a long time ago that they used to be located under a post office in LA. I just went with the assumption that they were still there. After that it was simple. They gave me what I needed to come back here."

"Why though? I mean at that point in time you had been the slayer for only about a year and I was still considered evil to them."

I smiled. "Here's where it gets confusing." 

I told him everything that had happened there up until the last five minutes. I told him about the Gem of Amara and that the universe I was actually in wasn't real, and yet the PTB still managed to be real and have power of who knows how many dimensions, and I told him that there is where I made my decision to come back. What I conveniently neglected to say though was about me remembering. It wasn't time yet. I didn't want to spoil the moments of comfortable companionship with the feeling of guilt by talking about the day that never happened. In time it would come out. In time I would talk about it. But now wasn't that time.

"So what now?" We lay on our bed just wrapped in each others arms.

"Not to sound corny or anything, but we go get the bad guys."

"Buffy, we're still on the same page as when you left. We have no way of killing Leon, no way to get an upper hand. We're running out of ideas here."

"Are you still hearing the voices?" I whispered.

"Yeah. Off and on."

"Are they getting any louder?" I didn't know if I even wanted to hear the answer to that one.

"At times. It's mostly while I'm trying to sleep. It's like if I don't keep myself busy then they start talking. I try to keep myself distracted as much as possible, but it doesn't always work."

"What if I told you that I might have a way to make these voices stop, and maybe in the process defeat Leon?"

"I'd say you're a little delusional from your temporary coma still."

"I'm serious."

He sat up and turned me towards him. "You're serious?" He repeated my words, checking to see if the content of them was true.

I bit my lip. "I'm not sure it'll work. I'm not even sure if it ever happened seeing how I was in a made up reality, but… It's worth a shot isn't it?"

"Buffy, what are you talking about?"

The air was cold, the kind of cold that just chills you right down to the bone. I stepped lightly through the streets, afraid almost to even breath. If what I was hoping for, what I was searching for, was here, this whole future could be turned around in a snap of a finger. I was running a lot on faith here. It was a shot in the dark that I was currently taking, but it was a shot all the same.

"You're insane. You know that right?" We came to an alley close to the outskirts of town. A place where most humans didn't even dare wonder, knowing full well that if one of the many guards of demons and vampires alike that stood out here caught them, they would be dead in an instant.

"Just shut up and help me look alright." I was running my fingers across the paved floor of this alley, looking for the one little reminder that the past was real. "Come on Giles. Come on." I muttered.

"What exactly am I looking…? Damn it!"

"What? What happened?"

"Nothing, I just ran my hand on some broken glass." He looked at his fingers in the moonlight, watching the borrowed blood drip down his wrist.

I didn't even blink an eye though as I ran over to where he was and dropped down on my hands and knees. "Yes!" I squealed as I saw the jagged piece of rock, not glass like Angel had thought, protrude out of the ground. I quickly pulled an old rag out of the back of my pocket, wrapping it around the sharp piece of rock and started to pull.

"Buffy what the hell are you doing?"

"Help me with this will ya?"

He gave me one of those looks before gently pushing me aside and pulling at the rock. After a few minutes it came up to expose the soft dirt floor beneath it. As Angel just looked at this small patch of dirt with a bit of annoyance I flung myself at it and started digging with my fingers, feeling the soft pebbles scratch the skin under my nails. It didn't matter though because things were suddenly turning to the bright side.

"Buffy…?"

"Ah ha!" I yelled out triumphantly. A small metal box, about the size of one of those engagement ring boxes got pulled out and into my hands. Smiling brightly I looked up at Angel and scrunched my nose. "We have a winner."

He was about to smile at my behavior at the moment, really having no idea why I was suddenly so happy, but the sound of footsteps could be heard in the distance.

"We need to get out of here." He grabbed my wrist and started pulling me along and into the shadows. It was to late though. The vampires had already seen us.

"Well well well. What do we have here? If it isn't the great Angelus." One of them sneered. I rolled my eyes. He would be the first I'd kill. "I must say, I didn't think I would get to kill you tonight. Business has been kind of slow lately."

"Please. You guys have been telling us this for how many years now? What makes you think that you'll succeed in beating us now?"

And as if on cue, a dozen more of them appeared simply out of no where. "And who the hell are you?"

"She's nobody." Angel said hurriedly, cutting me off before I could yell out who I actually was. "Now fellas, do you think killing me is your best move? I mean, Leon's been trying to kill me for years. How do you think he'd feel if he found out that you all did exactly what he couldn't? If I was in his shoes, I'd be pretty pissed."

"He never has to know." They started advancing towards us forcing us to back up against the alley wall with no where left to go.

Angel genuinely laughed. "He's not that stupid."

"Obviously he is if he hasn't killed you yet. You're nothing but a threat around here."

"Well, I'm glad to see that even after all this time I still have a name in this city."

"Not for long."

"You guys really need to come up with some better one liners." I kicked out and with the heal of my boot managed to send the one spouting all the bad movies lines across the alley. Then all hell broke loose.

In one fluid motion both Angel and I laid into the vamps before us. Kicking and jabbing as best we could, but we were severely outnumbered. After only six of them down, Angel was favoring his right side while I was practically nursing a head wound. Both of our hands were bloodied and raw from the punching, and sweat dripped down us like it was nothing. I was beginning to tire but I couldn't see a single way out. If something could only distract these vampires for a few minutes, enough time for Angel and her to get away, everything would work out. We just needed one little chance so we could make a break for it. Looking over at Angel I realized he was thinking the exact same thing.

Thinking fast, I kicked the feet out from under the vamp I was currently fighting. "Hey," I yelled, jumping up onto an old crate. "You really don't want to do this." It was a desperate attempt, that I knew. But if it worked, we'd live through tonight.

The three vamps that currently were holding and pummeling Angel stopped and laughed at me. "And why not?"

"You mean you don't recognize me?" I feigned shock and surprise.

"Buffy don't." Angel said dangerously.

"Wait, what?" The vamp closest to me asked dumbly. "Are we supposed to recognize you?"

"Well, I probably died long before you were sired." I just smiled broadly at all of them, trying to hold the nervous laughter out of my voice. Angel was going to kill me for this.

"Fine, we'll play along. Who are you?" Angel started struggling frantically trying to prevent me from saying anything else. But there was no way we were going to get out of this alive without taking some drastic measures.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer," I bowed dramatically as all of them just starred at me, not quite sure what they were supposed to do. It almost shocked me a little when I realized that after all this time, each and every one of them still knew my name, still remembered who I was.

Moments of silence passed before one of them just burst out laughing. He was beginning to laugh so hard that he had to hold onto his side. Soon all of his cronies followed his league. "You're a funny little bitch aren't you?" He said through his laughter. "You might actually scare us if we didn't know that the slayer's been dead for hundreds of years."

I wasn't discouraged yet. "You're right. She has been dead. Just because I talk like her, sound like her, fight like her," I laughed a little bit, "And have the exact same boyfriend who she was so desperately in love with for so many years, doesn't mean I am her. You know what?" I hopped off of the crate "You guys are right. Leon's not going to really care if you kill a look a like of one of the greatest and most powerful slayers in history. Okay," I put my hands up in a fighting stance. "Continue."

They all stood around looking at one another for some sort of hint of what they were supposed to do. Angel took that as his cue and immediately pulled out of their grasps and managed to stake two. Both of us were off and running before the dust even hit the ground. They were close on our tails. But at least now I knew that they couldn't kill us if they managed to get a hold of us. If they did, they'd just be signing their own death warrants.

"In here." Angel pulled me around a corner and led me into an abandoned warehouse. Before I could say anything he dragged me to the far end of the room and crouched down behind a couple of barrels. Two or three of the vamps came into the room, checking to see if we had stopped in here, but apparently they didn't sense or see us because they were gone within a minute.

Sitting silently, neither one of us dared to speak, I barley even dared to breath. When we were positive that the vamps were long gone Angel sat up and walked to the middle of the room, running a shaky hand through his hair.

"Okay, I'm trying really hard to understand this but… What the hell just happened back there? No, you know what? Don't answer that. God Buffy! Are you insane? I'm mean seriously, did you hit your head during the fight?"

"Angel…"

"Buffy, they're running back to Leon right now and telling him that there's another slayer wondering around out here! Not just another slayer either, a slayer who has gone down as one of the strongest forces to reckon with in history! Buffy, Leon's not going to ignore that! He's going to search for you 'till he finds you. And then he's just going to use you like he has all the rest of the slayers! God! How could you be so stupid?"

"Oh, I'm sorry! Here I was thinking that I just saved both of our asses! My mistake!" I got up and brushed off my jeans. I knew he would be upset with me for this one.

"It was a dumb move Buffy."

"It was the only move Angel." I looked at him defiantly. "We both know that if I hadn't had done what I'd done then we'd both be lying in that alley dead right now."

He leaned against the stone wall, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. "That doesn't make this any easier." He whispered.

I smiled suddenly. I had completely forgotten that he didn't know what the two of us had just done. "You forget though. We now have a secret weapon."

"It better be a damn good one seeing how it almost got us killed." I pulled the box out and held it out in front of me. "What?" He looked wryly at the ring box. "You going to propose to me now?"

"No, that's your job." I smiled letting that one sink in for him. "This is going to tip the scales in our favor." I flipped the box open showing him our prize.

"It's a piece of paper." He looked at me like I had gone insane.

"Yup."

"A piece of papers going to save our lives and the worlds?"

"Uh huh."

His face had gone from the previous expression of complete insanity to now looking at me like I'd grown a second or maybe even a third head. "Mind explaining this one to me?"

"If you're nice maybe I will." I looped my arm through his and led him out the door. Things were finally starting to look up. Now the only question was, could I pull all this off before Leon got near me.


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Breath From Past

Authors Note: No, I have not died. I'm still here. Finals had just been killing me though so I'm so sorry I couldn't write. I've come to learn to absolutely hate the last week of school. But hey, guess what? SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER! In the words of one of my readers Legen, those hamsters are finally in over drive. 

As to Bre, thank you so much for the review. Don't worry about your friends calling you obsessed, I don't know how many times I've heard them say that when I'm going on and on about how "I can't believe Buffy said that to Angel" or" it's so sad that they're not together and if in the end they don't end up together I will personally hunt Joss Whedon down and make him write a reunion." I'm not obsessed though, I'm passionate. I like the sound of that one. I'm definitely going to have to tell them that I'm just passionate the next time they tell me I'm obsessed.  Thanks so much for the review! Now what are you guys doing reading this, get going with the story.

_**Chapter Fourteen**_

_**Breath of Past**_

"Mind running that by us again luv?" Spike leaned forward a little in his chair looking at me pensively while Angel just sat with his arms crossed, looking like he was yet again in deep thought.

"It's from Giles. Right before I left I gave him the exact location that I would be looking at when I got back, and then left it up to him to figure out what exactly we would need to defeat Leon."

Angel and Spike exchanged a look of confusion, disbelief clearly shinning through both their eyes.

"Stop it."

"We didn't say anything." Angel said defensively.

"Yeah but you're both thinking it. Look, I know this sounds strange and everything but trust me, this is going to help us. If it turns out that I am totally insane and that this little piece of paper is just… well, a little piece of paper, then fine. But at the moment what do we have to lose? We're coming down to the point where we either make a gutsy decision or sit back and wait for death to come knocking on the door.

"Buffy, you said so yourself, that dimension wasn't real. It doesn't exist. How the hell would Giles be able to send you something if the plane you were on is fake?"

"It's not fake."

"You said so yourself that it was…"

"I know what I said but I'm telling you now that that's not true."

"Then why'd you tell us it didn't exist in the first place?"

"Because it doesn't."

"I need a drink."

"I second you on that one mate." Angel and Spike both got up reaching for a bottle of whiskey.

"Look, you guys are going to have to trust me on this one. When I saw the Oracles they told me that they control all of the realms, even the non existent ones. So on some level that plane has to exist if it needs controlling over. I think that all they meant was that yes the realm doesn't exist, but in our reality only. I was in a completely different place. So far away in fact that anything I did there wasn't going to affect the future here. It wasn't the same realm of our life that we've already lived. It's just another realm, with another Buffy and Angel and unfortunately another Spike…"

"Hey…."

"…That's currently making all the same mistakes we already did. But now that part of that realm is a little different since I came there. The Oracles told me that nothing I did in that place was going to affect the future because it didn't exist. Angel, I'm telling you, it does exist, but not in our minds. They were trying to make it easier on me and not get me really confused and more irritable then I already was. It's so hard to think of lives out there other then our own. We don't tend to stop and think about what other people are doing when we're not around. We can't see what's going on outside of where we are. Subconsciously our brain just thinks that everything kind of stops moving when we're not around because we can't see, feel, or touch something that's thousands of miles away. Without even knowing it, humans think they're the center of the universe because they are. They're the center of their own universe. It's hard and headachy to wrap your brain around the fact that at this very moment billions of other things are going on that you can't see. Do you get what I'm saying?"

Angel was quiet for a moment going back through my words. "Yeah, I suppose. The place you were in could exist but in our minds it doesn't because that's already happened to us and it's hard to think of people living in the present in our past."

"Exactly."

"That was just a moving lesson there Buff but the only problem is you just said the Oracles told you that nothing you do there could affect our future. So how the hell would that piece of paper get into our possession?"

I sat there for a second. "Well, think about it. Every single decision you make, no matter how small, changes your future some how. Now what if there was a reality following each different path you could take. When you get up in the morning you could sit and wonder whether you want to wear a blue shirt or a yellow shirt. So you're reality splits off into two, one following the path of wearing a blue shirt and the other a yellow one. There are so many different realities out there, more then anyone would be able to count, all branching off of something as simple as what do I want for lunch. Me telling you this right now already made a different reality. There's one that's coexisting at the moment of me sitting here and being quiet, not even thinking about telling you this for fear that you guys might think I'm crazy."

"I came to that conclusion a long time ago."

"Shut up Spike," Angel took a big gulp of his whiskey, grimacing as it went down.

"I know this is hard to wrap your head around. I'm not even sure if I just understood what I was saying. But it makes sense to some degree and it's got us a boost up in this war."

"Again though I ask, how the hell could this thing come into our possession if that reality can't affect us?"

I was so hoping they would forget about that one and move on. "I told Giles something and he followed through with it."

"What'd you tell him?"

I looked at the two of them, disbelief slowly starting to ebb away from their faces. "I told Giles about Glory. Told him that I was going to die and that he wasn't allowed to stop it. He needed to just use it to his advantage instead."

"What?"

"He used the portal that opened up Angel. He must have said what I told him too because somehow I've gotten this piece of paper from him. The only thing he had to do to get it to us was jump in that portal once and hide it in the spot that I wanted him too."

"And then what? He just stayed there? Let you die? Somehow I doubt that happened."

"I don't know what he did. I wasn't there. But somehow he got that message here for us and that's all I care about. We may be able to do something now so I'm not really about to question the how's and why's of this whole subject. Giles knows what's right and somehow I don't' think that something as little as me dying is going to stop him from saving the future."

Spike shook his head. "You weren't there when you died Buffy." My head automatically snapped to him. I rarely had ever heard him use my name in that way. It was… normal. It wasn't full of hate or some sort of lust; it was my name, not slayer, not love or pet, but Buffy. That's what caught my attention. Maybe Angel was right to start trusting Spike. Maybe he really had changed. "Giles was beside himself with grief. You were a daughter to him. He would have given his life for you. Somehow I don't' think he just sat back and let you die."

"So you're telling me he somehow managed to breach realities in order to help me and save the life of his Buffy all at the same time? Giles isn't stupid Spike. He wouldn't let feelings get in the way when it comes to something like the fate of the future."

Spike ignored me and continued. "I can tell you right now that there is a reality out there somewhere where you never died, there's one where Giles wasn't about to help us now, and there's one where you came back from the dead more screwed up then you already were. I know this because I was there during the aftermath of that whole damn thing. I saw your friends try to be strong, I saw Red go down the path of dark magic to try and bring you back, I saw your sister nearly destroy herself with the grief of losing her mom and her sister in the same exact year, and I saw Giles close in on himself more and more until he was nothing more then a shell." Spike stood lighting a cigarette. "Say all you want, but in all the realities that contain a Giles knowing how and when you were going to die, the results were all the same. He either saved you, or died for you. There's no in-between. That paper may have gotten to us, but don't you ever start thinking that he chose saving the future over saving you." Spike looked at my shocked face for a minute, taking time to take a drag on his cigarette, and then walked out of the room.

I just stared at his retreating form not really sure what I was supposed to say to that. Never before have I had more respect for Spike. True emotion had just shone through and that was something that I had rarely seen except for when it involved himself.

"He's right you know." Angel said from his position on the other side of the room. "When you died everyone took it hard, especially Giles. He was probably the only sane one of us though. He kept all of us together and stopped us when we tried to bring you back."

"You tried to bring me back?"

"Plenty of times. Willow even went as far as to resorting to black magic. Tara left her for a while after that and the only one to pull her out of it was Giles." Angel shook his head. "I still don't get how he suffered the most out of all of us and yet he was the only one that kept things together, got us back to some semblance of our own lives as he let his go to hell."

"It was that bad?"

Angel shrugged. "Yeah."

I got up and walked over to him, sitting myself down on his lap. Part of me wanted to cry at the thought of what people went through when I died, what people were still going through because I died. But then at the same time I was almost happy about it. I knew my friends loved me, and I knew Giles loved me like I was his own, but to know that we were so intertwined like that, to know that when I died they didn't just grieve and move on was somewhat comforting. I hated to admit that I actually felt happy about my friends grieving, but in a way it was almost like a compliment. Then at the same time I found myself wishing that they hadn't cared about me so much. That none of us had become close, because all it seemed to do was ruin parts of their lives. For the first time I found myself wishing for Spikes words to be true.

"Do you think he's right?"

"Who?"

"Spike. He said that there's a reality out there were I'm alive, where I lived past Glory or got brought back."

"I think he is." He shifted me a little in his arms so he could see my face. "Somewhere out there there is one perfect reality. One were I'm not cursed, you and I are together with dozens of little kids, and everyone lived happily ever after."

I laughed. "A fairy tale huh?"

"Buffy, if what you say is true. If every single decision we make makes a different reality, then I know that there is one out there where we're alive and together."

"One where you're human?" He tensed a little bit, that day coming up in his mind once more and the hateful decision he had to make. The decision where they had specifically told him that if he didn't make then I would die, and what do they do? Kill me a little over a year later.

"One where I'm human." He sighed.

Silence took over the room leaving us to our own thoughts. Thinking of a time that would be so much simpler then the one that we were living now. But those were the cards we were dealt and you can't change your luck around no matter how hard you try.

"One day we'll have that. We have to. After everything we've done, how could we not?" I tried to be optimistic, but the truth was, we didn't even know if we were going to make it past this night alive. Leon and his men could come storming in here any minute and that would be it.

"So what's the piece of paper got to do with giving us that life then?" He asked.

"Honestly? I have no idea." I replied sheepishly. "I just kind of wrote a note to Giles explaining what was going to happen and that we needed the help. Before I left I just whispered in his ear to go look in his mailbox when he got home. I was just lucky that he took me seriously and followed through with it all."

"What does it say?"

I reached over for it and let in unravel. It was fairly small and yellowed, making the words a little difficult to make out but still legible all the same. It was Willows loopy hand writing that met my eyes, making me smile at the thought that it wasn't just Giles who was helping me at the moment, it was the whole gang.

"It looks like a spell of some sort."

Angel nodded. "It's Gaelic."

"Can you read it?"

"Maybe. I haven't really spoken that since I was practically in grammar school." He leaned forward a little bit and stared at the paper, practically willing his child hood teachings to come back to him. "Breathe of wind cross this time. Let the…. Let the dust come forth and show the path. Give the strength of many to one. Breath of wind your time is past."

We both sat there holding our breaths, neither one of us moving in case we missed what was happening. But nothing came. Not a single sound rang out after Angels words had stopped. "Maybe I read it wrong." He said hopefully.

I got up from my position on his lap. "No, I think you read it just right."

"What are you…?" And then he saw exactly what I had seen. Standing before me was the answer to our prayers.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Heaven or Hell?

Authors Note: Short but... well I was going to say sweet but that would be a lie. grins evilly

_**Chapter Fifteen**_

_**Heaven or Hell?**_

"Willow?" The one friend who was probably held closest to my heart smiled at me in that knowing little way. "Oh my God…. Willow…" I ran up to her and threw my arms around her, a laugh bubbling up out of her at the gesture.

"Heard you needed a little help."

I pulled away from her but still kept my hands on her shoulders. "Couldn't hurt." I just starred at her. She looked exactly the same from the last time I had actually seen her. Her hair was still cut short and fiery red and she still held that spunk in her eyes that was hidden behind the awkwardness that she was slowly growing out of. "You have no idea how much I missed you."

"You don't remember do you?" She kept her smile but it was one filled with more curiosity then anything else.

"What do you mean?"

"You just saw me seven months ago." I raised an eyebrow at her. "I'll explain later. Right now I'm thinking we need to get to work before Leon figures out who you are."

"To late."

She stopped and looked at me. "He…? When?"

"A couple hours ago. Some vamps jumped Angel and I. There were to many of them so I kind of distracted them with my name and then ran."

Willow nodded quickly. "Then we have less time then I thought."

"Wait…? How do you know all this?"

Willow laughed. "Sorry, my minds running all over the place. I've been watching you." She said as if this was a simple enough explanation.

"Can I just say that's kind of creepy."

"It is a little bit. I probably know things that neither of you really want me too." She gave a pointed look at Angel causing him to fidget under her scrutiny. "Hi Angel." She spoke to him though as brightly as ever.

"Willow." He nodded his head once and turned to me. "I'll be in the other room."

I starred at his retreating form, he had been uncharacteristically… well I guess it is his character to stay quiet, but I thought he'd at least stay and see what Willow had to offer. "Don't worry about him. He'll be fine." Willow said comfortingly, but something about her words made me worry. The look she had given Angel didn't sit with me right but I couldn't think of a single thing that would solve the answer to that question. "How you holding up?"

Turning my gaze away from the door Angel had just exited through I shrugged. "Same old same old I guess."

"Buffy…"

"Willow, really. I'm better then I have been." I motioned for her to sit down on the vacated sofa. "So who is it I'm actually talking to here? The Willow from my reality or the Willow from the other reality?"

"Our… You're reality."

I crossed my legs beneath me getting a little bit more comfortable. It was so weird to see her. Not to long ago I would have given anything to have my Willow back, the one who had lived through my death, the one I was best friends with. But now to have her sitting in front of me looking exactly how I last remembered her by was weird. I good weird, but weird. "How'd you know to come down here then? I mean, that spell Giles gave me, did I like open a portal for you or something?"

"Spell?"

"Yeah, you know, _the spell_." She just gave me a blank look. "You have no idea what I'm talking about?"

"Buffy, you sure you're okay?"

"You know, I'm starting to get really sick of people asking me that question. I thought you said you had been watching me, you should know what I'm talking about."

Willow leaned back and cleared her throat. "I haven't been watching you the last couple of days. It takes a while to transfer from one plane to the next plane. Last thing I saw of you, you were in some sort of coma."

"So I'm guessing you can only watch one reality then." Willow just looked at me and sat back for what she knew was going to be a long and hopefully detailed explanation. Biting my lip I began to tell the story I had been living out for the past couple days. The look on her face was just growing more concerned with each word coming out of my mouth though. Then as I got to the part about the letter I had written to Giles asking for any sort of help her face just grew pale. "When I got back Angel said the spell and then you appeared. Willow, that has to be the reason why you showed up. There's no other explanation to it."

"Buffy, I showed up because they sent me down here. Not because of a spell."

I stared at her. "Then what did the spell bring?"

Willow shook her head. "Don't start thinking that way Buffy." She knew me to well, the slight widening of my eyes told her exactly what thoughts were racing through my head. "If what you say really happened, if Giles managed to get a message to you, it would only bring good."

"Will, what if I just led Leon here? What if I conjured up something that….?"

"Buffy no. Stop it. It's from Giles. Giles would never purposely do something like that." She said quickly. "You don't know Buffy. Maybe the spell didn't even work. I don't even really feel any magic in this house. I'd know if something had happened here, I would easily be able to feel it."

I knew that her logic was right. I still couldn't shake the feeling that I just did something completely stupid out of my head. I had been so certain that we were finally out of the woods, that just possibly we could turn this whole thing around and kill Leon. But what if I had been wrong? It just seemed to easy. The paper, the simple words and the coincidence that it was in a language Angel had been born into. We should have taken more caution. I shook my head trying to get the offending thoughts out of my mind. "Let's just hope you're right. What about you? How's death been treating you?"

Willow turned towards me, the color slowly coming back to her face. I knew that she too was worried about what that spell might have brought. "Do you know how good it is to finally after all these years not have to worry about demons and vampires and the fate of the world?"

"No."

"Yeah, neither do I." I looked at her strangely as a huge sigh came out of her mouth. "You know how we used to think that when we died we'd finally get to rest? It's not like that. You're constantly looking down on the people you love, watching them and seeing the pain they're going through and not being able to help them. You're in the land of eternal happiness and yet you keep wishing to be alive again and suffer with them."

"I thought Heaven was supposed to be paradise?"

"It is. It just so happens though I keep bringing this pain onto myself. When you got sent back down here Buffy I couldn't just sit by no matter what you had told me. I had to watch over you."

"What I told you? Will, try to remember here that I need a back story to everything you're saying?"

"Buffy," She laughed. "Seven months ago you were dead. You were with me. Xander, Giles, Dawn, you, me, everyone we've ever known was together."

I took a moment to let that soak in. I knew I was a good person and that if a God did exist, Heaven would ultimately be were I ended up, but to think of me having that ever longing happiness and then getting plunged back into this world. Part of me was pretty pissed that I couldn't remember what heaven was like, and then the other part of me was glad. If I had that memory of perfect happiness with me at all times, what would the world look to me when I came back down. "I'm guessing that explains the whole confusion on why you were surprised I didn't remember you, huh?"

"I watched when you first came here and everything. I saw how disorientated you were. I just thought that it would wear off I guess." She smiled at me sadly. "When you got sent back down here, before you left you told all of us that we weren't allowed to watch you because you knew that would be all we'd do, thus taking pieces of our happiness away. You made us all swear that we'd go on living out our eternal lives like we had been for the past hundred years or so. Happy and carefree. You always told us that we all needed a break. That we had to go through the hell of earth to get where we were today and that nothing, not anything, should ever lead us back to here to our damnation."

"Sounds like you should have listened to me then."

"You've had plenty of dumb plans in your life… and you're after life Buffy. This was one of them. You shouldn't have come down here. You should have listened to your own words."

"Willow, look around you. This world has gone to hell." I gestured to the open windows where the sun hadn't hit for far too long.

"Yeah it has. But you didn't come down here to help the world you came down here because of Angel." I could tell that she wasn't very happy with my decision.

"Well I was right. Have you seen him Will? He was practically falling apart before I got here."

"Buffy," She sighed. "I didn't come here to fight with you. We've already had this argument before you left."

"Then why'd you come here?"

"To help. You're in over your head right now and the people up stairs aren't very happy about how your handling it. They say you're too emotional for this job."

"Excuse me." I gritted out angrily. "You've got to be kidding me."

"They're words, not mine."

"Too emotional? What are they thinking? Of course I'm going to be a little emotional here. I unlike you got sent down here without the memories of heaven in me. I had no idea that I had even died and suddenly I woke up in a world where everything had changed on me!"

"I told them that. But most of them haven't been alive for billions of years. They don't really understand human emotions any more."

"So they sent you down here to what, reign in these emotions?"

Willow looked down sadly. "Buffy…"

"You said you were here to help with Leon Willow."

"No, I said we needed to get to work before Leon found out who you were. Meaning, I'm here to make sure that Leon doesn't get a hold of the most powerful slayer in history. I want to help all these people Buffy, more then anything. But I can't. It's not my place to do any of this anymore. I died trying to get rid of Leon so I know how it feels to want him dead, to want the sun back. But I can't interfere with people's lives like that anymore. It's part of the rules."

"So you're telling me that whoever's in charge is just going to let this world go to hell? They're not going to do anything?"

"They're doing something Buffy. They're making sure that you don't fall into Leon's hands." She said this so quietly and slowly, causing the realization that something was painfully wrong to fall on my shoulders. I wanted to run to Angel, to not hear anything she was about to tell me, but I knew it couldn't be done.

"What did they send you here to do?" I held my breath, not wanting to hear the words that I subconsciously knew was coming.

"To take you back."

Authors Note- That was for all the people who check every day for a new chapter. Luv ya!


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Promises

**Authors Note:** To smileydommie1: LOL, calm down and breath. You're freaking out on me. Everything will be okay. I'm not so evil as to have her go back... or am I? grins evilly

Also, I'm sorry if things are coming few and far between. Right now I'm in Washinton visiting my brother. The only reason why I had time to write this was because he and his girlfriend are currently at work at the moment. I'll be getting back up around the 6th or the 7th, so I would expect another update until then.

**_Chapter Sixteen  
Promises_**

"Repeat that again for me."

"Buffy…"

"Because it just sounded like you said that you were here to take me back."

"It had to happen sooner or later Buf?"

"Willow," I said warningly. "You know me; you know I would never go for something like that. So please tell me that you told them to shove it." Willow looked down at the ground. "My God, Willow! What the hell were you thinking?"

"Buffy..."

"No don't you dare Buffy me. I'm not going back there Willow. There's no way in hell I'm leaving here."

"You have to Buffy, you don't have a choice." She said sadly. "Usually when the Powers want something, they get it."

"If they didn't want me here so much then why the hell did they send me here in the first place!"

"Because Angel was in trouble. He was walking the line between Angelus and death. No in between. So they sent you down here on the pretense of making him better, snapping him out of it, and then having you come back up when it was done with. They didn't count on you two become a couple again Buffy. That wasn't supposed to happen. With all the guilt of the curse and the things he has done they just thought that a simple goodbye for you guys would be easy."

"Since when are things between me and Angel easy?" Willow just looked down at the ground, her of all people knowing that my heart felt like shattering right about now. "I'm not going back Will. Not now, not ever."

Willow sat down and sighed. "Buffy, when you took this mission you said that you would, no matter what, come back here when you were done because you knew as well as anyone else that you couldn't be on Earth without causing trouble. The mission's over Buffy. You have Angel back to his normal self and now you have to come home."

"This is my home! Just because I have Angel back to the way the Powers That Be want him, doesn't mean my mission is over! What about all the people that are being killed every damn day by Leon? What about everyone living in darkness? How the hell do you and the Powers expect me to go back to a place that is supposed to be the embodiment of eternal bliss while people down here are dying every minute."

I was seething with anger, not at Willow, she was just the messenger of this whole charade. She had the decency to look sorry about all this, to have that understanding look in her eyes. But she also had a mission. A mission to bring me back, and that was something she had to commit too no matter how pissed off, or how much yelling and screaming I was doing.

"There are time periods were stuff like this happens. It's the universes way of balancing good and evil, keeping the two in order."

"So you're telling me that the universe has decided to let human kind suffer for a couple hundred years in order to restore a balance?"

"In a sense? Yeah."

"Bull shit. Willow, go back up there and tell them that I don't care about balance here, people are dying, they have no way to defend themselves over this sort of thing. It's not a fair fight. And if they're so worried about balance then they should be helping us out. I mean, this world has been in turmoil for around three hundred years, I think enough balance has been restored. If anything evil seems to be majorly tipping the scales at the moment."

Willow crossed her arms. "What? You don't think I haven't made this argument? You don't think you haven't made this argument? Buffy, the Powers have heard all this a thousand times from you, me, and so many others, but all they keep telling us is that it's not in the stars. Before you ask, no I don't know what that means, all I know is that if you don't come back up with me, you might never come back up."

I starred at her not quite believing what she had just said. "Are you telling me that they're going to revoke my right to heaven?" She didn't' say anything, instead just looked me in the eye with and angry glint over the Powers. "That's rich. Very noble of them. God! What are we, like kindergarteners? I'll take you're crayons away if you don't play with me?"

"I don't know the full extent behind their reasoning Buffy. I just know that they seemed pretty animate about making you come back."

I looked a Willow for a minute and shrugged with a slight shake of my head. "It's not happening." Without waiting for a reply from either her or the people listening in up above, I stormed out of the room and into my own.

Sitting down with my head in my hands I tried to calm down. How the hell could they expect me to go back? I was the Slayer. My job was to protect people, and now they were taking me away from the job they had assigned me to in the first place. No matter what Willow had said, I highly doubt that when I took this mission that I agreed to come back up once Angel was no longer suicidal. I wasn't that careless. They were watching us upstairs. I had to have known what was going down in this world. I had to have seen the suffering, the pain and the loss. There was no way I had said to whoever the Powers are that once I made Angel all better I was going to leave Earth and turn my back on the people that need the most help. I had to have known before I went down here that I wasn't coming back up. At least not willingly. By the tone and expressions on Willows face, she had known this fact too. She had known that nothing that the Powers said or did was going to make me change my mind. But she kept up the effort, kept up the pretence of her wanting me to come back home with her, all the while knowing she was fighting nothing more then a losing battle. For the life of me though I couldn't understand why the Powers wanted me back in the first place.

Supposedly they were always watching us. Seeing us at our best and our worst. So if they were looking down, watching the people that they're supposed to love above anything else, why aren't they stopping it? They see the people in the street getting raped, they see men and woman falling to the ground in a pool of their own blood every damn night. How can they sit there and watch all that going down and not even lift a finger to make it better? How can someone see kids being struck down when their life has only barley begun? The Powers might have the strength to sit back and watch that but I didn't. And until the sun came back up again, until laughter filled the street, chalk drawing of hopscotch painting the sidewalks, I wouldn't even consider going back to heaven. This wasn't so much about me and Angel as it was about the world suffering something that shouldn't have even begun in the first place.

"Buffy?" A knock sounded from the slightly jarred doorway as Angel peaked his head through. "You okay? I heard yelling."

I sighed and gave him a slightly inviting look as he came and sat down on the bed next to me. "That spell that we did, the one that was supposed to be from Giles, Willow wasn't the result from it. The Powers sent her, not Giles."

Angel nodded. "I kind of already figured that."

"Do you think the spell even worked, do you think it even did something?"

"Spike's finding out for us right now. He has a contact that can practically see the traces of magic when a spell is done. She'll be here as soon as possible." I nodded my head slowly, making sure I had acknowledged him even though my mind stayed firm of the subject of me maybe not even being here when she came. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked as my silence overtook the place.

"I have to tell you something." I said as I turned my body towards him. "But you're not going to like it. So promise me you're not going to freak out and get all dark avenger on me."

Angel looked at me, his brow becoming more serious. "What happened?" His voice was dangerous, enough to make me wince because I knew that the moment I told him, all he'd want to do was go out and rage and kill everything in sight, searching for a way to contact the Powers in order to get the point across that I was not going back to them any time soon.

"Promise me Angel."

"Buffy..." He said warningly. I cut him off though before he could continue.

"Angel, promise me. I'm not saying a damn thing until you promise to keep calm about this whole thing."

He nodded his head slightly, not even trusting himself to open his mouth. But when he saw me cross my arms and raise an eye brow at his dead silence he could only sigh and say, "I promise."

I took a deep breath preparing myself for the rage that was to come. "The Powers sent Willow here. She gave me a little back story on how and why I got here in the first place. Apparently the Powers had sent me down to kind of keep you from turning into Angelus or dieing all together. My mission was to come here and turn you around, set you back onto your path so you could start the fight once again. We're not really sure why I don't remember any of my time in heaven though, so it kind of took me longer then they expected to complete this." Now for the part I was dreading. "I guess I've kind of… well completed my mission. Willow was sent here to take me back." I said the last bit so quickly I wasn't even sure if he had heard a word that I had said.

Angel's jaw went rigid. "What?"

His voice was dangerously low, sounding for the entire world like he was about to attack.

"It was an agreement I made with them. Before I got sent down here. I agreed to come back as soon as you got better. They thought that this would be extremely easy for me. They didn't really count on us being a couple again because of our... past events together. But now that we are, and I don't even remember agreeing to any of this in the first place, they had to send Willow down here to bring me back up. It's almost like I sighed a contract or something."

He was quiet, sitting there staring at the opposite side of the room, glaring at the chipping paint on the wall. "And what did you tell them?"

"I told them yes." I said sarcastically. I wasn't really in the mood to get stupid questions like that one. "God Angel, what the hell do you think I would say?"

"So you said no?"

"Of course I said no. I practically told Willow to relay the message of 'go screw yourself' back to them. Somehow though I wouldn't be surprised if they're listening right now, already hearing what you and I think of them and this whole situation."

Angel got up and started pacing the room. "You do realize you and I really don't' have a choice in this right?"

"Excuse me but I think I do kind of have a choice in this whole thing. It's my life."

"Buffy, we're talking about higher powers here. They have the ability to make and end us. Do you really think that if they want you back they're going to give you the choice of staying down here with me? You're going back up there whether you agree to it or not."

I got up and threw my hands up into the air. "Thanks for the support here Angel!" He and I were two of the strongest people on this Earth. There was no way that the Powers were taking me back up there without a fight.

"I'm being realistic here Buffy! Since when has what we wanted ever came true? They do stuff like this to us all the time. They've screwed with my life since I got my soul back, and yeah, I probably deserve it more then anyone else in this world, but you? You they've screwed with since you were fifteen years old! Since when has anything you wanted on a personal level ever come true? Huh? Come on Buffy, tell me when the last time you had done something that was was for yourself, and no one else, and it's come out good! Because I sure as hell can't think of a single thing in that scenario! They've been fucking with our lives for years now Buffy. They don't want us to be happy because I represent everything they're against. You staying with me, caring for me, it's against the god damned rules! We were starting to be happy again Buffy. It was only a matter of time before they decided to take that away from us again." He laughed bitterly. "After all, aren't we at our finest when the two of us are in pain? Seems to me more things get done while we're suffering then when we're happy."

"So lets take control of our lives this time around Angel! Let's fight back!"

"Buffy, they control the whole damn universe! We can't fight them! They know we can't fight them and they're using that to their advantage! We're nothing more then pawns to them!" His words brought back the memory of the Oracles telling me the exact same thing. That we were pawns in this world and nothing more. We were just vessels, carrying out their biddings one by one. "I would like nothing more then to try and stop this. Believe me if I could I would go and slit their throats just so they could feel an ounce of the pain that we deal with. But it doesn't work that way. We fight them, all we'll be is selfish."

"Selfish? How the hell is me wanting to stay down here to help restore what we lost a long time ago selfish?"

"Because Buffy, all of our energy would be spent trying to fight back towards the Powers. Trying to win a battle that we lost a long time ago. We can't... or at least I can't, fight the Powers in good conscience when I know that kids no more then three years old are dying every damn day by the very things we're supposed to be defeating."

"So what? Wouldn't us ignoring our callings piss them off? Wouldn't us ignoring the people that need saving show them that I have to stay here? That we're not going to play their stupid game unless they agree that I can be down here to help? Angel, think about it. We show them that we'll let innocents die until they give into us..."

"Are you listening to yourself? Buffy, that's not what we're meant to do." Angel just looked at me sadly, and through his eyes I could see that the only thing he wanted was to do what I said. But right now he was being the more sensible one, the practical one. "We're not turning our back on them Buffy. Because if we do, we become no better then them." He sat back down on the bed rubbing his hands over his tired face. "This isn't about us. This is about the people out there that wake up every morning wondering if today's the day they'll die. I don't want you to go. I don't even know how I'll act when you do. But I'm not going to ignore the people that need our help just so I can have the woman I love back in my life."

I looked at him. I hated the fact that he was right. I hated the fact that I was going to have to give in and go back up there. Once I left this place I would be powerless to help. I would just being watching from up above as all the pain and suffering spread through the world. But to fight back the Powers, would be nothing more then a losing battle, the time and energy spent trying to figure out a way for me to stay down here would be better spent killing Leon. I had lived my life already and this was a second chance. It was something that most didn't get after they died. My heart just wanted to be selfish though and say screw the Powers and the rest of the world. But I could bring myself to do it. I couldn't push the words past my lips because my brain wasn't allowing them too. Once again I questioned the many reasons as to why the hell I was the one chosen all those years ago for this job. I couldn't grasp what they saw in me when I was fifteen. The decisions I had made over my life had all been ones of heartbreak and endless pain. Sending Angel to hell, jumping off the tower to save my baby sister, facing the Master when I knew that I could very well die that night. It all seemed so cruel and unfair. But the thought of some scared little girl outside at the moment caught in the down pour of rain made me realize that I couldn't be selfish. Somewhere out there a child sat huddled in some dirty alley corner as one of the many vampires that plagued the street came forth, sinking his white fangs into the soft baby neck. To prevent that from happening I would have to leave. I wouldn't wait for the powers to drag me back up kicking and screaming because I knew that all it would do was prolong the suffering out there. Angel and I would be focused on each other more then anything else, causing us to get sloppy. Every single second that we had left together would be spent thinking upon things that we knew could never happened. The longer I stayed the harder it was going to be. So I had to make the mature decision and go to Willow, telling her to take me away. Take me away from a life and a man that I love with all my heart. I just hoped that this was the last time I would have to sacrifice my life to save the world because I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to handle this whole thing.

"I love you." Angel said, knowing that I had come to my decision, breaking both of our hearts with every second that was passing by, knowing it was one more moment gone from our final minutes together.

"I love you too." Slowly his hand came into view and wrapped into mine as it had done so many years ago at my mothers funeral. He tried to give the comfort that I needed at the moment. But he too was going through pain that most can't even imagine. We would be saying goodbye to each other. No hope in seeing one another in the afterlife like so many said right as their lovers breathed their last sweet breath across their lips. Angel would live forever, as long as Leon did that is. And then when and if he finally did die, the question of his afterlife would be a difficult one. He was technically a demon and for all I knew, demons didn't go to heaven, even with the status of their soul. "I don't want to do this." I whispered brokenly."

"Come on." He said, swallowing a lump in his throat, trying to stay strong and keep the tears clear from his eyes. "We better go tell Willow."

I could only nod. Slowly we got up from the bed, his hand staying securely wrapped around my own. We walked brokenly towards the room where Willow sat, her head in her hands, dreading what she would have to eventually do. Looking up as we entered the room she gave us a sad apologetic smile. "You ready?' Her voice was soft and filling with comfort, but it still didn't ease any of the pain of what I was about to do.

Angel squeezed my hand tighter. "Take care of her Willow." Willow nodded slowly, taking a deep intake of breathe and then began to chant.

The tears fell at that point. There was no going back. I was leaving him to face this all alone. I was leaving him for paradise, a place he couldn't follow. Without warning he pulled me into his embrace and kissed me. All his warmth and fear was poured into that kiss as he held onto me. Maybe he thought that if he held on tight enough I would leave him. "God..." He whispered, his voice laced with the tears he was trying so hard to hold back. "I hate this so much." A single tear finally fell loose as sobs began to rack my body.

"I don't want to go Angel. Please, I don't want to go." He just held onto me tighter, squeezing his eyes shut, willing the outside world to go away.

"I love you so much Buffy. Never forget that." He whispered into my neck, no longer caring about the tears that ran down his cheeks or the tremors of grief that started running through his own system.

Pulling back, the sound of Willows words droning on in the background, I gently brushed a tear away from his wet cheeks and kissed him will all the passion I could find. Somewhere in the distance I could hear the spell coming to an end as the last couple words became louder, Willow shouting towards the heavens. It was now or never.

Holding back the sobs, making sure that my voice came through clear, that there was no doubt in his mind about what I meant I looked at him sadly. "I never forgot." And in a blinding flash my whole world faded, his shocked expression on his tearful form being the last thing I saw.


	17. Chapter 17: Cookie Dough Fudge Mint Chip

_**Chapter Seventeen**_

_**Cookie Dough Fudge Mint Chip**_

**Authors Note: **In between my updates I want to encourage you guys to go check out the story New World Rising by Faith Slayer89. She's a good friend of mine and I have to say that this story she is currently writing is blowing me away. I think you guys would definitely enjoy it.

To yodaschum13: LOL. Breath. Take deep deep breathes. In and out. Everything will be okay. Well, actually that's kind of a lie but I'm not going to tell you the truth in fear that you'll have a seizure right then and there. Thank you for the review. It keeps things interesting for me. And come on. Do you really think you would have enjoyed the chapter so much if I hadn't pulled something so unexpected on all of you?  I'm evil. I know it, and I love it. 

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since I had come back here to the place that I should consider my home. Three weeks since our tearful goodbye, and three weeks since I'd been truly happy. Isn't heaven supposed to be a place where you feel no grief, no remorse or fear? I thought it was. But since I've been here that seems to be all I've felt. The moment I got here, all the memories of my time in heaven before my little trip down to Angel had come rushing back. I remember clearly thinking that I needed to get to Angel, that everything would be okay once I got to him. The funny thing was, even then, even before I had gone down and had seen first hand what a hell zone Earth had become, I had never once planned to come back. I didn't care about the proverbial contract that I had signed, all I cared about was getting to Angel. Don't get me wrong. I was happy here. Nothing upset me, not even when I saw all the horrible things that had happened to my friends and family in my absence. I hadn't experience their pain though like I had when I was down there. It was like the moment I got there every feeling that was floating around had hit me, and they weren't about to let go now that I was back in paradise. A little piece of hell had stuck with me through my trip.

The moment I had arrived here, the moment the white light that had brought us through faded, I ran. I ran to a place that I had visited so many times before. It was nothing more then a graveyard, almost like the ones back in Sunnydale, except the sun always shined here. It was our connection between the living and the divine. It was here that you could look down and check on your loved ones that had stayed behind. For the first couple of years I was here, I'd spend hours just looking down on my friends. My time slowly started lessening though as one by one they joined me. For the past couple hundred years the only one I checked on had been Angel. And now, once again, I was back to that same routine. I sat there in the graveyard, seeing everything happening around him like it was nothing more then some TV show on a big screen. I was looking in from the outside once again. By the time I reached here, the amount of time it took for me to run here was maybe about two minutes Earth time, time here had no meaning, he was still standing in the exact same spot, just looking at the area that I had disappeared from moments before. And then he broke. He slid down the wall and cried as he tried to accept the fact that he was never going to see me again. I don't know how long I sat there, how long I watched him as silent tears slid down my face as well. But soon he had fallen asleep, and it was only then that Willow came to get me and made me rest also.

Now three weeks have past and I practically live in this graveyard. After that night, Angel never seemed upset again. Calmly he told Spike and Connor what had happened, shocking the two of them into complete silence, and actually getting a sympathetic I'm sorry from the both of them. But other then that, he never talked of me. Spike and Connor did. I seemed to be the main subjects of their conversation when Angel wasn't in the room. I was shocked to learn that Connor had actually cared about what had just happened, and even more shocked when Spike's voice grew soft as he told Connor there was nothing we could do about it, Angel just needed to deal with this in his own way. Not once before in my life had I ever thought Spike would be the one to understand Angel like this. To understand that he can't be pushed into a grieving process, he was different then others. He had to come to things on his own terms and put on the show of being strong to everyone else. The two people that were left in that world, the two people that were most familiar to Angel, were the same two people that I had thought all this time hated him the most. These two were the ones that I was almost positive were going to contribute to Angel's downfall. And yet there they sat, giving a new light to the term of understanding. I don't know why it surprised me so much. They've been through thick and thin, mostly thick, with Angel for the past couple of years, they knew him even if they never would admit it. Unbeknownst to most, they knew the pain he was going through at the moment, the things he wouldn't show to the public eye, the things he would rarely show to me.

"Buffy, you've got to leave him. You've got to stop torturing yourself like this." Willow sat beside me in that graveyard, trying in the best way she knew how to coax me out of my mindless staring at a world I couldn't be a part of anymore. Her face was drawn tight with worry. She always knew that I had watched over Angel. She sometimes sat with me. But it would be the occasional viewing of him maybe every couple of days. Not the incisive mind controlling stare that I seemed to be doing at the moment.

"I'm not leaving him Wil."

"You've already left him." She said quietly.

"I have to go back down there."

"Buffy…"

"No! Alright? Don't you start! How are we expected to sit up here like this? I don't get it Wil. How can we just stand by with everything that's going on down there? Knowing full well that people are dying every damn second while we sit up here in a place that most don't even dream of at night. I can't stay here. This isn't paradise to me anymore. It's the exact opposite." And it was the truth. Every moment I was spending up here seemed to be a days worth of torture. My heart and soul belonged down there, not here. This wasn't the place I was meant to be. I was no longer ready for that rest I used to wish for. I wanted nothing more then to put up a fight now.

"It'll get better over time." Willow said soothingly. "You just have to be patient."

"I don't want to be patient. I want to help."

"You can't Buffy. You've lived your life, you got a second chance, one that most people are never allowed to get. You have to accept this and start living… well, not necessarily living but… you know what I mean. You have to stop sitting here day in and day out. Angel wouldn't want you to do that."

"Yeah, well Angel doesn't want me to do a lot of things. But since when has that stopped me?"

"In the end it'll all work itself out Buffy."

"You don't know that."

"I don't have to know it. I just have to believe it."

Despite Willows words though I still came to the graveyard every day, still watched him carry out the fight that I believed I should be a part of. Watched him struggle with the decisions he had to make, watched him agonize over his son, over the people he was supposed to be helping. It killed me to see him like this. But I didn't really have a choice. I promised him we would fight together. That we wouldn't brave the damn storm alone. I couldn't break that promise even if I was dead. All I needed was the right opening and I was out of here.

"Giles come on and think. We're the all divine here. You should know what the piece of paper did."

"Buffy," Giles took of his glasses and started cleaning them. We had been having the same conversation for over and hour now. "I'm telling you. I have no idea what the spell was. That wasn't my life. That was a different version of me, a different plane of reality."

"But we're on a higher plane! Shouldn't we like... I don't know… be able to know everything?"

"What would be the fun in that?"

"I don't want fun Giles. I want answers. That piece of paper could be the very thing that we need. I have to know what it is."

"And I'm telling you, I have no idea. Buffy, there are thousands of different realities out there. More then we can even imagine. They all coexist together without knowing it. When one dies they go to where they're supposed to be, whether it's heaven or a different plane of existence. Two people from different realties are never going to meet. If they did you'd see millions, most likely even billions of different versions of yourself walking around. You said so yourself Buffy, by choosing something just as simple as what you're wearing today, you create a new reality, a new path and a new race. The person that gave you that paper wasn't me. It's some different form of me. I'm not going to know what he's thinking just as I don't know what you're thinking. I'm sorry Buffy, I wish I could be of more help."

"That's the point though Giles. Whether or not you guys ever met, you should still know what he's doing. It's still you in some shape or form, it's still the exact same mind."

"Not necessarily. What if I never came out of my Ripper days? What if I still acted like that twenty years down the line. My way of thought wouldn't have been the same, it would literally be like meeting a completely different person."

"But Giles…"

"Buffy, for the last time I don't know what was on that piece of paper. I don't even understand how it got there in the first place."

"I told you, I told him exactly where to hide it and…"

"Buffy, this paper was buried under ground with no protection, going up against the changes of society, sitting under a place where buildings where erected, where natural disasters probably happened, I don't see how that thing could possibly survive."

"Thousands of papers have been preserved over longer periods of times."

"Yes, but they have protection. They have facilities filled with people working every day to keep them that way. This thing didn't."

"So what are you trying to tell me then?" I was growing impatient really fast. The way he sighed reminded me of the days back in the high school library. He was seeing something I obviously wasn't. But with the small shift of his eyes it came to me as clear as day. "You don't think you actually hid it do you."

He was silent for a moment at my brief almost whispered words. "It seems highly unlikely."

"So then the theory of it actually did nothing good and that it's most likely counting against us is…"

"Highly likely and more plausible."

I leaned my head against a tree. "Damn it." I whispered. Why hadn't I thought of this before? I went through high school science. Why didn't' it hit me that that little piece of paper couldn't last this whole time.

"I'm sure everything will be fine Buffy. It's been close to two months since you've said the spell now and nothing has happened."

I shook my head. "I can't help thinking though that the same people that planted that piece of paper are the same ones that sent me to that fake little reality in the first place. Something's going on Giles. I know it." I looked up to the fabricated sky above me. It never ceased to amaze me that my version of heaven was the same as Earth. Even though I was dead, I couldn't' seem to get past the sense of having the place look like whatever I wanted. Sure I was perfectly fine with thinking up of a little place in the Bahamas to spend my time in. But that was human sites. Land, tree's, the grass and the animals were all just a human's way of life. I couldn't' think of anything else to live in. I couldn't think of anything that would fit the theory of being able to bend your surrounding at your will because to me, surrounding equaled things you see.

"Giles, why now?" I said after my brief ramblings. My mind had been doing that a lot lately. Going off on the little things that I used to take for granted. "Why did they choose now to bring me back? It can't be a coincidence. I won't believe that. I _can't_ believe that."

"You have to have faith that it was all for a reason."

"Oh I know it was for a reason. I'm just saying I don't think it's the reason that they've told me."

"Buffy, from the very beginning they told you that you'd be coming back as soon as Angel was better."

I shrugged. There was more to it. There had to be. Things weren't that simple. In all my life, the greatest thing that I've learned is things aren't always that black and white.

"Buffy," I turned my head at the sound of Willows voice. I didn't want to hear how I needed to let go of the threads tying me to Earth. I didn't want to hear speeches about how everything would work out one day. That in the end good always triumphs over evil. In my heart I knew that she was probably right about most of the things she said. But the fact that I was sitting around on my ass while people younger then me were dying didn't sit well with me. I'm a warrior, helping people, making sure that they're safe, is my job.

"Yeah?" My voice was tired from the thought of the conversation that was coming.

"You um… you need to come see this."

"What?" I turned fully to her. Her voice was laced with anxiety.

"Just… you have to come and see this okay. Don't ask me to explain just come."

Getting up I brushed off the imaginary grass that was sticking to my jeans and followed her. In a matter of seconds we were down by a river, the sound of the water soothing to my ears. Willow stopped, motioning me to venture forward. "Willow what…?" She just shooed me though, leaving me no choice but to walk down to the rivers bank. That's when I first noticed her.

A young girl sat on one of the rocks, swinging her legs back and forth, staring out at the calming rush of water passing by. I gave a brief thought as to where the water was actually going, but skipped it out of my mind and looked at the girl instead. There was something so familiar about her. It struck me the moment I got close. It was almost as if I knew her, like I was being drawn to her, but I just couldn't' quite remember who exactly she was. She turned her face to me smiling slightly as the warm sun shone down on her, causing the highlights in her hair to turn golden.

"Hi," She said.

"Hi," I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Why was it so important that I see this? Willow had came in with the expression of horror written on her features, causing me to believe it was something that was going to make me upset.

"You're Buffy right?"

"Yeah, how did you…?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Let's just say it's a matter of finally fitting the square peg into the round hole." I raised my eyebrow. "What? It's sounded better then plane old instinct." She turned back to the water, resting her hands on her knees. "You can sit down if you want. I don't bite."

Blindly I sat down next to her, feeling the warmth of the sun wash over me as I came out form the shading of the trees.

"It's funny you know? I never thought the afterlife would be like this."

"Yeah, it's pretty much the same as Earth."

"You're kidding me? This is so much better then back home. There's sun here. There are flowers and trees and grass and water that isn't red from the spilt blood." She scrunched up her nose. "This is just like the stories I heard."

"Stories?"

"I had a friend when I was alive, he was kind of like an older brother to me, more so then my actual brother, actually he was probably more of an uncle since he was like really old… that's not the point though. Anyway, he used to tell me story after story of how life used to be. He'd tell me about the laughter that filled the air. About how he used to get so mad when he was sleeping during the day because he'd here lovers walking outside his cryp… house, whispering terms of sickening endearment. I just never thought it was true though. I've only seen the world of darkness. This is just like a fairy tale."

"I can guarantee you Prince Charming isn't going to come riding up on his horse any time soon."

She laughed. "Good, I never thought Charming was all that great looking in the first place. I'm sorry, but no one is as perfect as they make him out to be. I'll take the dark and romantic types any day. You know, the ones that just make you smile because they're like…" She stopped for a moment trying to choose her next words. "They're like a blueberry muffin with the crunchy munchy stuff on top. Ya just can't get enough of them."

I smiled a little. She reminded me so much of myself when I was a teenager. "I know exactly what you mean."

Silence overtook us as the sounds of the rustling trees took the place of our words. What else was there to say between us? I didn't know this girl. Was I just supposed to say 'So, how did you die?' Somehow that just seemed a little to forward for my liking.

"I was murdered."

"Excuse me." My head snapped up to look at her. She was still looking up at the sun, seemingly fascinated by it. But I guess anyone that had never seen the sun in their whole life would be.

"You were wondering how I died. I was murdered."

"How'd you….?

"We went over that already remember? The whole square peg in a whole analogy." A hint of a smile played on her lips causing a funny feeling to wash over me. I'd seen that smile before. I'd seen _him_ give it dozens of times. "You can ask it you know."

"Ask what?"

"Where you know me from."

I just starred at her. "Has anyone ever told you that your whole little intuition thingy is kind of freaky?"

She broke out into a full out grin this time. "My father used to tell me that all the time." She tilted her head to the side, now facing me. "So, do ya wanna know?"

"I think you already know that answer to that." She nodded her head in agreement and then turned silent once again. After a few moments had past and she still hadn't said anything I looked at her curiously. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you going to tell me?"

She got this look of innocence on her face but I could clearly see the evil grin she was trying to hide. "Tell you what?"

"How do I know you?"

"You know me?"

"You know, I'm not your average human."

"Well duh. You're not even human. You're a… it. Or whatever we're called now."

"Point is, I could kick your ass if I needed to."

"You better watch what you say, I may just surprise you." I looked her over briefly wondering if she was a slayer or not. She certainly had the spunk and the attitude it took to become a slayer. But weren't' slayers practically Leon's property at the moment? The question of where the hell did I know her from though seemed to be the more pressing one in my eyes. Getting up she stretched a little. "Is there anything to drink around here?"

"Umm…" I too got up. "Yeah… I guess. What'd you want?"

"I don't know. I just feel like drinking something. I'm craving a caffeine overdose."

"Did you want some coffee or something?"

"No, coffee makes me all jumpy."

"You could probably conjure up a soda."

She shook her head. "I've changed my mind. I want ice cream. I mean, this is paradise right? You don't really have to worry about putting on a few pounds… or a few hundred. Funny thing is though, I've never really had ice cream. I mean, I've heard of it and people say that it's better then sex…. What's your favorite kind? Ice cream that is, not sex. Is there certain kinds of sex even? Maybe I'll start out with that. Again, you're choice in ice cream, not sex."

I just kind of looked at her, she definitely wasn't shy about things. "Umm… Cookie dough Fudge Mint Chip."

A sour look came across her face as she scrunched it up into a vision of repulsion. "I think I'll pas on that one. Bad images."

"Bad images? You said you've never had ice cream before. How can you have bad images about something you've never even had?"

"Hey, if you found out that your mother licked it off your father's chest; you'd know how I feel."

I froze.


	18. Chapter Eighteen: The Game of Catch Up

_**Chapter Eighteen**_

_**The Game of Catch Up**_

No, this couldn't be. Things like this didn't happen. When you go to heaven things are supposed to be simpler. Granted yes that my life here was all but simple but my reasons for that were really only Leon's fault. And now…? This just couldn't be…

"Are you okay?"

I stared at her as her lips formed those three words. If this was Angel's daughter, if this was Mira, then what did that make her to me? She had said that her mother had licked ice cream off of her father's chest. That little once upon a time story had happened. Granted I wasn't supposed to remember a single word of it but it was still there. The memory, the thought and touch, the actions, every little piece of it still lived within my mind and most likely Angels, but how did this girl know this? How was this girl even dead? If she was dead then didn't that technically mean that Leon was dead also? The slayers dying were practically his downfall. His power source was cut off. So was it only a matter of minutes before the thing that I had vowed to kill joined the rest of the sinners in the pits of hell? Or was this once again some sort of shame and I was in another alternate reality where my life still sucked.

"Hey," The girl clapped her hands in front of my face causing me to blink. "Snap out of it. This place is a little too new to me at the moment and I don't really fancy the first normal person I meet to be some sort of nut case that freezes when ever I say som…" That's when it registered. She had let it slip. The whole entire ice-cream licking incident wasn't supposed to come out of her mouth I think. She knew exactly who I was thus thrusting me to believe that this all really wasn't a dream or alternate reality. This was life. Or as lively as life could get once you were dead. She was too young though. I found myself hoping that this was all some sort of huge mistake because this girl was much too young to die. She had been living her years in a tower with Leon where she should have died a long time ago. In real life her youth had probably long faded. Her power had been drained out of her for years now. There was no way a girl with that kind of torture put on her still looked like the heartthrob of a teen world. She shouldn't have died though. I'll never get that. She had sat and suffered for reasons she couldn't control. And what was her reward? Death. Death always seemed to be the gift of choice now a day. In the end though she probably prayed for it. And frankly, I don't know if I could blame her for that.

"Well, that kind of explains the whole freezing up on me thing." She muttered to herself, obviously wanting to give herself mental kicks, or physical, take your pick.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest not quite sure what I was expected to say here. I mean, 'congratulations, you got out of Leon's grasp and are now doomed to watch as the people you love still fight and struggle down on Earth' just really didn't feel like the Hallmark special you were supposed to give on these occasions. "So then my guess that you're Mira wouldn't be wrong then, huh?" It was all I had to fire back at her.

She shrugged. "Cat's out of the bag I guess so yeah. That would be me. It's funny though. You don't really seem to surprised to see me."

"No, I'm completely surprised. On more points then one."

Mira bit her lip. "Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do."

Did she want to talk? Did she want to ask questions on where I had been all her life? Was she even going to explain how a kid who could never be born because the day she was conceived didn't exist or was she going to let that small little fact fade into history? I tried to calm the tremors going through my body. How the hell was I a mom? There had to be some huge mistake. I had to have interpreted all of this wrong. "What would that be?" I finally said.

"Get ice-cream." She started walking off to some direction that neither one of us knew where it would eventually end.

"That's your solution. You're dead and you just see me for the first time and your solution is ice-cream?"

She shrugged. "Supposedly ice-cream is supposed to solve everything."

"No, ice-cream is what you drown your sorrows in."

"So let's drown some sorrows then. It's not like anyone's going to miss them."

"This is Heaven. I don't think sorrows are allowed."

"Oh please," She turned to me and started walking backwards. "That's just an old tale they tell people on their death bed. That when they arrive at the pearly gates everything will be perfect and happy go lucky. Sorry, but that's no ones idea of heaven. That's people's idea of a dull time."

"You really think you should be saying this stuff?" I looked around half expected to see some sort of angel glaring disapprovingly as she played her harp and looked beautiful. It was weird to finally realize how much movies and poems and literature had influenced my vision of heaven. Because when it all came down to it, heaven was a place that you couldn't describe. One thing was for sure though, cherubs weren't flying around playing their sweet melodies. The only creatures here were human. Well, at least they used to be. I don't know what we would be considered now.

"Why, is someone going to smite me or something? Please. You know as well as I do that we're not all immune to emotion here. That emotion and feelings, even the bad, are what makes us who we are. What keeps us human."

"We're not human anymore." I had already gone over this confusing thing in my head a couple times since I had arrived back here.

"Yeah, well no ones perfect."

I ran and caught up to her. "You know, people are going to look at you kind of funny when you're not going around and pretending like this is paradise." I cringed at the slip of the word 'pretending'.

"Isn't it a sin to lie? You telling me that they're going to get mad because I'm telling the truth in the land where that is one of the most important things? Besides, isn't anger, if they get angry that is, isn't that something that should be kicked out of paradise? Face it, heaven is a place of no weapons or mass destruction, not a place where we're all on some sort of acid high and can only feel the good. My father once told me that you have to take the bad, with the good."

I stopped and looked at her strangely. "Angel didn't say that."

"No, but Heath Ledger did."

"Knights Tale?"

"For a corpse you're pretty up on pop culture."

"Technically it's ancient history now and of course I'm going to know where that comes from. That was my era. Plus do you really think we can't watch movies up here?"

"You can watch movies up here?" Her face lit up as her blonde hair bounced around her bright face.

"First you want ice-cream and now you want movies. Boy, I guess this is a teenage paradise."

She smirked; the same smirk that I now realized was genetic in this family. "Ice-cream first, then Hollywood heartthrobs." She stopped and looked around. "So, how do I do this? How do I get the ice-cream I mean?"

I realized that she really didn't know the ropes here. "Think it and it'll happen."

"Kind of like that whole 'build it and he will come' thing?"

"Just hurry up and get us some ice-cream."

Closing her eyes in mass concentration Mira furrowed her brow. All the while she stood chewing on her bottom lip like this was one of the most important things in the world to her. And then as if out of nowhere it appeared. An old fashioned ice-cream shop straight out of the fifties where kids would go before a sock hop had appeared in front of our eyes.

"What's with the retro?"

"That's the only pictures of ice-cream shops I've ever seen." She shrugged and walked in, and to both of our surprise a man stood there behind the counter, his red and white pinstripe outfit neatly in place, greeting us with a smile.

"What can I get you young ladies today?"

Mira looked at him at a loss. "Anything?"

"First time?" He smiled. She just nodded briefly allowing him to turn to me instead and ask the same thing.

"Um… I'll just have a chocolate milkshake please."

"One chocolate milkshake and a little bit of everything else coming right up." Snapping his fingers my shake appeared right along with dozens of other dishes of cream overflowing with chocolate and raspberry syrups with nuts swimming inside their frothy substance. Mira just looked at them all with wide eyes as the dishes extended down to the bar. "Enjoy." The man smiled before disappearing into what we could only assume was the back room.

"Wow. I don't think I've ever seen this much food at once."

"Honestly? I haven't either." In all my years of Willow, Xander and my movie nights, our nights of endless partying because we had just defeated some sort of big or bad or ugly, sometimes all three, I had never seen this much food. Granted, if we did have this in front of our faces, it would have all been gone by the end of the night. Seeing how at that point in time we still had to deal with the trivial things such as weight and health, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that I hadn't' seen this amount of food before. I would have weighed seven hundred pounds if I had.

Like a child in a candy shop, which in all actuality she really was, Mira dug in with the utmost excitement. It wasn't until about an hour and a half later, when the two of us had stuffed our faces with so many things, ordering more and more of what we liked the best, did we go sit down in one of the booths by the windows and watched as people started gathering around and discovering Mira's little piece of heaven. A park lay outside the window right next to us where kids were longingly looking in on the ice-cream shop. Not quite certain if they should stop in and grab a cone or continue playing in the endless sun. Each and every one of them acted as if tomorrow they would be pulled out of this fantasy land and back into the harshness of reality. It was a fear that was widely felt but rarely admitted here, and no matter how hard we tried, it seemed to be the only one we couldn't escape.

"So…" she started.

I looked at her. She was chewing a straw and fiddling with her drink a little. "So…?"

"You know you weren't supposed to know who you are right?"

"Not quite following you." I lied. I knew she was getting at the whole entire mother thing but I wasn't so sure if that was exactly something I wanted to say out loud. I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that technically I had a kid that I had never seen except for in a freaky walk down Angel's memory lane before today.

"I slipped. I wasn't supposed to let you know that you're my…. Well that you're my mom."

"Why wasn't I supposed to know?"

"The Powers thought it would only complicate things."

"Oh yes, because they just strive to make my life so easy."

Mira smiled. "You hate them too huh?" She sighed. "Point is, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. It should have been something that I sat down and told you when the time was right, when this war was over… that's not going to happen any time soon though."

"You sound as if you already know the outcome of all this."

She looked down at her drink almost in disgust, keying me off right there that that was exactly what she had meant to sound like. My heart dropped. She knew the outcome of all this and it wasn't in our favor. "Dad should have been the one to tell you." She said quietly, changing the subject just as effectively though. "He would have wanted it that way."

"Yeah, well if you haven't noticed, he tries to avoid uncomfortable conversations. This wasn't going to be one that was about to come up any time soon if ever."

"He would have told you in the end. When he has… had," I cocked my head at her changing of tense in her words there. "When he had to kill me he would have told you in the end. I don't know how he would have told you seeing how you're never a grantee to listen while your up here, but he would have found a way. He would have wanted you to see me."

I just looked at her. She sounded remorse and sad about this whole subject. Which in some ways surprised me. This was the girl that was related to Connor was it not? Connor rarely spoke of his father with concern in his voice. His words tended to be laced with bitter anger instead of this sadness that was on Mira's at the moment.

"Is he…. Is he better?" I had completely forgotten. She had been locked away in a tower now for a couple years. She had no idea who her father was anymore. Before she had gone yes he had been pretty insane, depressed and so many other words that had fit his state of being at the time. Still, it had only gotten worse, much worse, since her kidnapping. He had broken after that. And now? Now he was back to some semblance of the man that I knew, the man that she had never got to meet.

"He's better. I was… I was actually down there for a while."

Her head went up and met my eyes. "You were on Earth? With Dad?" I just nodded my head as she laughed shortly. "It's really gone to hell since you've been gone."

"You have no idea."

"How'd you even get back down there?"

I smiled faintly and motioned to our surrounding. "The Powers. Your dad was in a bad place so they sent me down there to straighten him out, keep him from doing something stupid."

"And you did?" She smiled brightly. "You know, people always told me that you seemed to be the only one that he would truly listen too but I just didn't…." Her words trailed off and she leaned back a little bit as she stared into my eyes, comprehension dawning on her. "They took you away from him again." I was going to nod my head for an answer when I realized that she didn't need one. It had been rhetorical. "How the hell could they do that to him?" She just looked shocked. Obviously she didn't know the history between the PTB and him. "They thought that that was going to make everything okay? They send you down there to snap him out of it and then as he starts to get better they take you back up here? What the hell were they thinking? Are they insane?" She got up from her seat and started walking around. "What the hell kind of people would do that to him? I mean, my dad is screwed up, yeah I know. And for the little time that I knew him, I knew that it was pretty bad, but it's had to have only gotten worse since I've been gone and so…." She threw her glass up against one of the walls, the few people that had wondered in here during these past couple hours gave her strange looks, not quite sure what could possibly cause an upset in a place like this. "They must just love fucking with our god damned lives." She shook her head, resting the back of it up against one of the glass windows, her voice deadly, and from experience, that was never good.

"He's okay Mira. Granted he's not great. But he's a lot better then he was. He's back on his feet."

"Yeah, and the only person that was there supporting him is now up here once again sipping on milkshakes. Guess Earths not the only screwed up place."

I bowed my head slightly. I couldn't really yell at her or tell her that she was wrong in her thinking because I had thought it myself not to long ago. I had thought it when I arrived here the first time around all those hundreds of years ago, and I had thought it just recently. It was something that you kind of had to get used to. The answers came with time; the reasons why certain things happened the way they did. I was never going to get them. And I absolutely hated the Powers for that. But I had… no, I needed to believe that this was all going to work out in the end and that the Powers were doing what's right for everyone all together instead of just the few people like me and Angel. Like I had said earlier, we were no more then pawns in this cosmic game of chess. We were here to pave the way for others so in the future they wouldn't have to deal with shit like this. And unfortunately, I couldn't tell Mira this. She had to come to this on her own. I needed to fully accept this too before I even began to speak of it with her.

"He's better then you think Mira. He has…" I trailed off. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Who did he have? The hooker? His son that hated him? Or how about the vampire that ran and pillaged with him for years and then proceeded to torture and try to kill him for years after that while all the while killing innocents, the very thing he thought he had to save in order to serve his repentance?

"Is… Is Connor still there?" She looked at me through the corner of her eye.

"Yeah."

She took a deep breath. "Alright, that could be good or it cold be bad. What about Spike?"

"Again, yeah."

She seemed to almost breathe a huge sigh of relief. "Good. I guess things aren't so bad as long as Spikes there."

I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up through my throat. "You're kidding right? Spike being there is a good thing?"

She looked t me confused. "Well, yeah. You don't' think so?" At first I thought she was joking. She seemed to have enough of my personality to pull something like this but the look on her face was slowly telling me that this was anything but a joke.

"I think the question is is that you don't' think so? Spikes tried to kill Angel and the rest of the human populace more times then I can't count. Not to mention he's taken out two slayers that I know of. Who knows how many more since I've been dead."

"Spike couldn't hurt a fly."

"We are talking about the same Spike here right?"

She smiled slightly. "So he can be a little rough around the edges when it comes to the subject of my dad… or really anything seeing how he hates most things in this world." She looked off fondly seeming to remember something, but then shook herself out of it. "Anyways, he's good back up. He's always got Angel's back and is helping him out with spy work and stuff. He won't let anything happen to dad."

"And you think this because?" I still looked at her like she was insane.

"He made a promise to a girl once."

"Spike makes a lot of promises…"

"He promised me. Not long before I got kidnapped he promised that if anything had ever happened to me or Connor that he would look out for dad because he knew he would just go off the deep end. I trust Spike. You may not but I do. This guy used to spend hours telling me stories about all sorts of things. That's how I got to know Angel, was through Spike. Hell, that's how I got to know you."

"And color me surprised when you aren't trying to kill me after the stories that Spike's told you about me."

She rolled her eyes. "He was in love with you. He thought you were practically an angel yourself."

"He what?" Spike said this? She had to be suffering from some sort of mental weirdness from post death trauma or something.

"Yeah, He did. He used to tell me how I took after you more then anybody. How I had the same personality, the same courage, how I looked after dad just like you did. He told me about how you died saving the world and your little sister because family was everything to you. He told me how you had to sacrifice everything and send Angel to hell to save the world. You were a god in his book Buffy." She paused to let that sink in. "And dad? Yeah, his stories were a little interesting and far fetched. Poof and wanker played big parts in these stories, but underlying all the cracks about the nancy boy hair gel and his gay taste in clothes, my dad was there. His old personality was there. And I got to know my parents. Spike treated me like I was his own kid. He might not have shown it but he was probably just as upset when I got kidnapped. He just had to be strong because for reasons unknown he hates to show emotions like that. Now you may not think he's good with teenagers but…"

"No," I interrupted her. "No, I know he's good with teenagers." I couldn't believe I hadn't stopped and thought about this before. Of course Spike was going to be the one who had taken care of her. After all, Dawn had adored him. When I died she had spent hours in his crypt watching old movies as he let her forget that there was such a thing as death as he himself mourned over her dead sister. I knew exactly what Mira was talking about, I just never thought that his care and compassion for people around him that knew Angel, could extend as far as promising to look after the man that he hated. "I believe you on that one. No more arguments."

She raised her eyebrow. "That was too easy."

"Yeah well I'm tired so don't get used to it. On a regular day I could still kick your ass."

"You wish."

I smiled. Maybe this whole thing wasn't going to be as awkward as I thought it would be.

"Come on, we need to go figure some things out. Away from people." And without words spoken again, we headed towards the graveyard.


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Sneaking Curiosity

_**Authors Note: No, I'm not dead. No, I'm not in prison. And no, the aliens didn't take me up to their mother ship… yet. I've just been extremely busy with my grandparents coming up, then me going to visit my brother, then the start of school… and the list goes on. The only way I've been able to get this chapter out is because I'm sick at the moment. I'm so sorry for the wait though. Hope you enjoy this chapter, and I'll try to get a new one out very very soon.**_

_**Chapter Nineteen**_

_**Sneaking Curiosity**_

"Leave me alone Connor."

He stood in the doorway to his father's room, his arms crossed. "As much as you seem to think, I'm not coming in here to try and cheer you up or tell you it's all going to get better, because it's not."

"So you're here to do what exactly?" Angel said, swirling the scotch that was left in the bottom of his glass 'round and 'round.

"To tell you to get off your ass and use your anger in a constructive way."

Angel just laughed. "I've been out there all day fighting, how else am I supposed to be constructive?"

"Get her out of here, out of our lives."

"Who?"

"You know who. She's making too much trouble. In the end, she's just going to get us killed."

"Let me worry about that one."

"I have been now for a long time. Why the hell do you think I haven't said anything to you about her lately? But after today, enough is enough."

"Connor…"

"Angel she needs to go."

"And she will. But not now."

"Why? Are you really missing Buffy so much that you need someone here to give you a little cold comfort every now and then?"

Angel downed the rest of his drink and stood up. "I'm not having this argument with you again. Today wasn't her fault Connor. You just caught us in a bad situation."

"Yeah, a situation where you two were on top of each other half naked. Right. Just a bad situation." He said bitterly. "If Buffy could only see you now."

Angel grabbed his coat. "I told you. It isn't what you think."

"So she wasn't trying to seduce you?"

"I never said that."

"Then how is it not her fault?"

Angel slipped his coat on and turned to his son. "Aren't you kind of past the point of caring what I am or am not doing?"

"I don't give a damn about what you're doing. What I don't like though is how Buffy has been gone for two weeks and you're already forgetting everything she ever taught and gave you. She was the only one that seemed to bring the good out in you and now that she's gone, you're going back to your usual ways to thank her." Connor wasn't speaking with the stain of anger biting his tongue, it was almost as if he was having nothing more then a normal conversation someone would have on a coffee break.

"Buffy's gone Connor, and I'm still going to be here for God only knows how long. I'm living my life and moving on with it. I'm not going to sit here and dwell on what could have been."

"I'm not telling you too. I'm saying that she was sent down here in the first place for a reason and now you're screwing that whole reason up. You're reverting back to what you were."

"Connor, if I was reverting back to what I was, I'd be angry at anything that moved within my vision. I'd be yelling at you right now, and Julia and I wouldn't have stopped when you walked into the room today. I'm nowhere near where I was before."

Connor shook his head. "No, you're almost worse. I would much rather you be psychotic then in this… this quiet almost normal state. You just lost the love of your life for the second time. Why aren't you pissed?"

Grabbing the ax from his closet Angel walked past his son and towards the door. He wanted to get out and start his fighting once again. He kept thinking that maybe one day, after he'd killed enough of them, that all the demons would finally just disappear. Die off so to speak. He knew it was wishful thinking, but on the slight chance that this might be true, he would continue to stay out there every chance he got. "I've grieved Connor. I grieved more then you or anyone else will even know. And now I'm trying to continue the fight that she wanted me to."

I glared down at the images I was seeing play out before me. Connor was staring at the door, willing it to open back up with his father standing there, walking back through to say he was right about all this. But much to his, and to even my dismay, it didn't happen.

"Are you telling me he's screwing that person still?" Mira asked bitterly from behind me.

"How do you know about her?" I turned, the wispy images of the life I wanted to be living disappearing from sight.

Mira could only bite her lip in return. "Willow kind of tapped what's been happening while I was in the tower."

"What? This isn't some daytime TV special." I said incredulously. "You can't tape my life."

"She's a witch. She just kind of snapped her fingers and whatever I wanted came up and… well, played for me." She said nervously. "Oh come on." Finally her normal bravery and bravado came back. "You can't expect me not to be curious as to what everyone did when I was gone. I kind of wanted to know what people were saying about me and if they even tried to get me back."

"Tried to get you back? Mira! He's your father! Of course he's going to try and get you back! What were you thinking?"

"I was curious! You can't tell me that you wouldn't want to see how people reacted when you go off and do something. It's always on someone's mind. 'What did such and such do when I fainted?' 'What did they say when I left the room?' Everyone goes through it, especially teenagers and drama queens, we just have the power to douse our curiosity now."

"He's not screwing her." I said changing topics. Her argument was truthful. I would have probably done the exact same thing in her case.

"Not yet."

I looked at Mira strangely. "Shouldn't I kind of be the one who's being all bitter about this subject? Not you?"

She got up and threw her hands in the air. "What the hell is wrong with him? She's nothing more than trash! What the hell was he thinking when he decided he wanted to be with her?"

"Mira, he hasn't slept with her."

"Again I say _not_ _yet_. We don't know what the hell him and Connor were just talking about. But the way it sounds to me is that Connor walked in right before they were about to get down and dirty."

"But the point is that they didn't. Angel is right. If he was reverting to his old form, he would have continued whether Connor had or had not entered the room."

Mira crossed her arms. "Aren't you supposed to be the irrational one here? I mean, he is cheating on you."

"He's not cheating on me!" I said loudly. "Mira," I gave her one of those I can't believe you smiles. "I'm dead. It's not cheating on someone if they are no longer breathing."

"I could state a very obvious slip you made here about him not being of the breathing kind and all."

"Don't you have like homework or something you should be doing?" I said irritated.

"Yes, because we all know that Heaven is filled with history and science exams."

"Let me translate then. Go away."

"I still say you have every right to get pissed off."

I rolled my eyes and stayed cool until she left my sight. Then the real emotions came out.

He was back with her? How the hell could he do something like this to me? I mean, yes, like I said before, this was technically not cheating but… It has only been a couple of weeks and he's already back in her arms? What exactly is that supposed to come across as here? You didn't see me chasing after another guy when I had sent him to hell. I ran away from home, grieved, left everything. I didn't go and screw my dead lovers enemy. That would have been like me going out and screwing Spike the moment after Acathla had closed.

This though, if I thought about it long enough, wasn't what was bothering me. People unfortunately grieve in different ways. This may very well be Angel's solution to the grieving process but it didn't in no means translate that he didn't love me. What bothered me were Connor's words. Angel seemed to think that today, whatever had happened between them, wasn't Julia's fault. That they must have fallen on each other and they so happened to be half naked. Happens every damn day doesn't it? I let my head fall back onto the grass beneath me in frustration. If only I could see exactly what had happened, determine if Connor's accusations were right or not.

And that's when I realized that that's exactly what I could do. If Mira was able to recall a good couple years worth of memory and play them back, why couldn't I recall a few minutes of the past. Then I could decide for myself what exactly had happened today.

Getting up I raced off to find Willow. I had no idea how I should even approach something like this. I didn't want to ask anyone else though either. Willow would give me what I needed to do without really asking any questions, knowing that it was just another matter of Angel that I needed to take care of. To tell you the truth? I think she stopped asking what I was up to a long time ago.

"Wil!" I called, seeing her relaxing with a book under a tree. Unlike Mira, I was completely used to the idea of everything around me being conjured up in my own little head. None of this was real, and yet I perceived it as that still, Mira on the other hand seemed to be endlessly fascinated with the power Heaven seemed to obtain.

"Hey Buffy," She greeted.

"I need to ask you a favor." I spoke these words as quietly as possible, waiting until I had kneeled beside her before letting them out. For some reason, I didn't want anyone else to overhear us.

"What is it?"

"I need to see something that happened today."

Willow frowned. "Buffy…"

"Willow please don't give me the lecture on all this. You let Mira see a lot more then what I'm asking for."

"Mira needed to see it though, she needed to know what was going on."

"And so do I. Wil, please, I need to see this. I have too."

Willow looked at me, searching my eyes. "Alright," She finally conceded. 'But you are not allowed to tell absolutely _anyone_ that I did this. I could get into a lot trouble for this."

I leaped at her and wrapped my arms around her in surprise. Part of me was beginning to think that she knew that I had been coming. She gave me the crystal a whole lot easier then I expected her to. "You're the best!"

"Yeah yeah. What do you want to see?" She paused for a minute. "On second thought, here," She held out her hand, a small crystal placed in her palm. "Just whisper what ever it is that you want to view into here and you should be able to see it once you close your eyes. I don't want to know what it is, so just give me back the crystal when this is done."

I snatched the crystal from her hands. "No problem." Without really any hesitation I ran off to the place I had first met Mira at. It was quiet and calm there, definitely the perfect place to ease drop on your ex boyfriends life.

I sat down and starred at the little stone in my hands. This was wrong. By all rights I knew this was wrong. But I couldn't shake the small feeling of wanting to know exactly what had happened earlier today. I was dead. I had no reason to see these things, and if I didn't like what I saw, I wouldn't be able to change any of it either. So why was I so intent on watching what had happened?

"This is stupid." I muttered. But even as I said, thought, and felt these words, I was rubbing the rock, willing it to show me what had gone down.

Angel walked through the front door to the house, a sword in had. Blood easily covered his clothes and hands, his expression grim. Connor sat in the living room reading something that looked about as old as Angel was.

"Rough night?" He commented without looking up. I was getting the impression that he wasn't all to thrilled with his Dad at the moment. Things were obviously going sour between them again even before the soon to be known Julia incident.

"Angel took off his sticky coat and hung it up. "Same as any other night." He hadn't seemed to notice the hardness that was in Connors voice and expression. Or he didn't care. "I'm going up stairs to take a shower. Come and get me when Spike get's in."

"Why?"

"I want to see if he did what I told him to do." He said as he walked down the hallway and into his bedroom, leaving behind a confused looking Connor.

"So far so good." I said to myself, knowing that this quiet normalness wasn't about to last.

Upon entering his room, Angel did exactly what he said he would do. Almost immediately he went to the bathroom and started up his shower. Everything he was doing was normal. Nothing was causing me to suspect any sort of "foul play" on his part. Julia wasn't even anywhere near here. So why was Connor so upset earlier? What had happened between now and in a few minutes when Connor would come walking in?

My question was answered almost immediately.

"What do you want Julia?" he said with a sigh as he was about to reenter the bathroom for his shower.

"Can't an old friend stop by to say hi?"

"Hi, now go."

"Baby," She pouted. "What's wrong? Did you have another bad day?" Wrapping her arms around his waist she leaned into him. Angel did nothing to shrug her off. "I could make it all better for you."

"I don't need your help."

"Come on. You've been feeling it too. The pull. You and I were meant to make each other miserable. You can't deny that. And now with your little play toy gone, there is nothing to hold us back. Nothing to keep us away from each other."

"Buffy had nothing to do with me not wanting to see you anymore."

"_Excuse me?"_ I said, shaking the rock in hopes that it was getting the lines wrong.

"Oh really?"

"Yes really."

"And what exactly makes you think that?"

"I stopped seeing you Julia, because it wasn't fair to you. I don't love you."

"And I don't love you." She laughed, laying a kiss on his shoulder blade. "Therefore we're perfect for each other. Come on. Two people whose lovers died a long time ago now looking for some semblance of relief, some happiness, even if it's only for a moment. What more proof do you want to show you how well we fit together."

"We don't fit together Julia."

"We make each other happy."

"No we make each other miserable."

She smiled slightly. "Miserable. Right. So," She looked up at him through her eyelashes. "Why haven't you pulled away from me yet?"

He had nothing to really say to that. Instead he took her hands in his, detaching her from him. "I need to go take a shower." Without much more he turned around and went to do exactly that. Relief flooded me for a moment as I thought that this was all over and done with. But I quickly remembered that Connor had walked in on them, meaning that this was far from done.

My view switched to Angel leaning against the shower wall, looking utterly exhausted. I frowned slightly. He wasn't sleeping. I knew this, and yet there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it either. He sighed slightly and lifted his face to the water, letting it run down him, soothing his demeanor some. Grabbing the soap he blinked his eyes rapidly to get the water out of them. The same soap though soon slipped from his hands and hit the floor with a thud.

"Here, let me help you with that." Julia's voice came from out of nowhere it seemed. I could only cringe though as I realized what was about to happen.

"Get out."

"Baby." She lathered up the washcloth and started rubbing the suds into his back, causing him to close his eyes in pleasure. "Relax. You've had a long day. You deserve this."

He bent his head down, his shoulders sagging with consent.

My breathing picked up a little as I watched what was happening. How the hell could he be doing this? How the hell could he just stand there when he full out knew that he didn't love this girl? Just because I was dead didn't mean he could go running back into her arms. Could it? That I think is what my major problem was at the moment. I was still thinking as if I was alive. I was still expecting to walk into that room later and chew him out for what he had done. Yell at him for letting this girl touch him. But I couldn't. I was powerless. And I would be for the rest of eternity.

Even though what I was watching was in the past, it was almost as if Angel heard me think this, because he retched back a second later, flinging the dirty curtain open and grabbing a towel. "Out." He stated more firmly.

She smiled knowingly and climbed out of the steamy shower, not even reaching for a towel. He reached past her to shut off the water, but she was able to grab his hands before he could pull away from her even more.

"You know you want it. You just keep believing that she's watching you." She stood on tippy toes and put her mouth next to his ear, causing him to shut his eyes and gulp. "She's gone Angelus. She's dead once again, leaving you to deal with the shity cards you got dealt. She's not coming back."

He laughed. "Your right Julia. She's not coming back. She's dead. I've accepted that once though so I think I'll be able to accept it again. You on the other hand never have been able to except it. You're not her Julia, you never will be. We're done with. We have been for a long time."

"You keep telling me that and yet I'm not seeing it. If we were truly over, you would have kicked me out by now."

"You're right." He grabbed her wrist and dragged her back into his room tossing her her clothes. "Consider this your eviction."

She just laughed at him. "You don't think I'm actually going to believe you on this one do you?"

"You don't have to believe me Jules, you just have to get out."

As she was pulling on her clothes she continued to laugh. "How many times have you said things like this now? How many times have you told me it's over with?"

"Too many. But this is the last one."

She snapped her bra closed and walked over to him. "Tell you what. I'll leave, and I won't come back until you ask me to, if you do one last thing for me."

"What?" He asked through gritted teeth.

"I want one last kiss."

"No."

"Then you can expect to see me day in and day out and never to leave you alone." She smiled mischievously. "Come on Angel. One last kiss isn't going to change anything. She'll still be dead, and you'll still be alone when this is over and done with. It's really a small price to pay if you think about it."

He looked down at her standing there, pretending to be innocent. "Fine," Bending down her kissed her quickly. "There. Happy?"

"Come on lover. I know you can do better then that." She walked a little closer to him, "Make it good. Unless you want me to stay that is."

He stared at her, weighing his options, his eyes darting back and fourth. And in an instant he had grabbed her, pressing her up against him as he attacked her mouth, ravaging her lips with a force of a desperate man. That's when Connor came walking in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Connor said quietly. I could barley hear him myself. Although I was kind of busy with keeping my anger towards Julia down at the moment The manipulative little bitch.

Angel pulled back from her and looked at his son. 'Nothing."

"It didn't look like nothing."

"We were closing a deal." Connor was about to protest as he opened his mouth but Angel quickly cut him off. "Give us a minute Connor."

He glared. "I just came to tell you Spikes back. I'll go down and tell him you're a little preoccupied at the moment."

"I'll be down in a minute." Angel managed to pull this off without a hint of anger anywhere in his voice. The moment the door slammed though he shoved Julia away from him. "There. You got what you wanted, now go."

She smirked as she started to button up her shirt. "Fine by me. Just remember. You enjoyed that last kiss as much as I did."

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Oh," She said coyly as she walked up to him. Before he could put a stop to it, she grabbed the bulge in his pants. "I'm not." With that she sauntered out of the room and the images I so wanted to see faded.

I starred down at the tiny piece of offending rock. A kind of calm seemed to have taken over my system. I saw first hand what had happened in that room. I knew that none of that was really Angels fault. And yet I wanted to go down there right now and hit him. Smack some sense into him so to speak. He was starting down the same path he had gone all those years ago, and yet this time, he was fighting it. He was trying his hardest to keep from going astray again. Honestly though, I didn't know how that made me feel.

With a sudden burst of energy I threw the rock at the wall, watching as it shattered into little pieces.


End file.
